Sunday, February 28, 2010

Butt Pirate

First off, let me tell you that this man is the most high-strung, touchy, insecure yet self-absorbed, pretentious dick on the planet. He is the type of guy who would jump all over me because the tone of my text messages was not friendly enough. I guess he means I don't use faggy emoticons, exclamation points, triple dots (to infer being coy), and upbeat embellished language to signify that I'm SO EXCITED TO TEXT HIM!! Sorry- I like to stick to my 160 characters and get my fucking point across- that doesn't mean i hate your guts.

He was also the kind of guy who would scour,, and other fake Philly papparazzi websites to see if he made the pictures. These websites were created to make ordinary losers feel important. There is no such thing as a "Philly Celebrity", and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Needless to say, this guy felt he was one and probably spent half the day googling himself.  If he did come across a picture of himself, he'd text me "Do I look alright? Does this picture make me look fat? Don't I look pale next to that guy?" The whole time I'd be thinking, "gold jacket, green jacket- who gives a shit?". There is nothing sexy about an insecure man, especially one that likes to look at pictures of himself online- like a highschool chick who takes pictures of herself pretending to be hardcore by flashing the sideways peace sign. If I didn't respond in a nice enough way, I'd get the "so you do think I look fat, huh?" "guess I'm not hot enough for you". Seriously- are you a chick?

Anyway, I was at his apartment before going to dinner one night and had to use his bathroom. He must have forgotten that company was coming over because he left his cabinet door open. Big mistake.

What was in it?  Anal suppositories, Tucks Medicated Hemmroid cream (I just burst out laughing while typing this), Stool Softener, Ex Lax, and Fake Tanning Gel.

I guess he really WAS a tight ass- literally and figuratively. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there!

Friday, February 26, 2010

I feel as if it is my fatty duty to share with you the deliciousness that has been taking over my life for the past week.  The one and only, amazing kolache my friendly friends.  They are the most incredible little things in my life right now.  If you have never had or heard of such a thing, let me fill you in.  Kolaches are melt in your mouth pastries that are filled with whatever your little heart desires.  My calorie filled choice is ham and cheese, or strawberry.  I would like to thank my Czech friends for inventing the kolache and bringing them into my life.  I would especially like to thank the Czech descendants who live in my state and have kept the family kolache cooking going strong.  I don't give two shits about my jeans being too tight this week, or for the constant heart burn.  Every little morsel is worth it.  I have no idea if these things exist in any other part of the country.  When I lived in Boston, I went in a manhunt and they were no where to be found.  I resorted to my mom becoming a kolache smuggler during her visits.  She almost got busted three times.  I know, scary.  Peeps around these parts take kolache eating very seriously.  So seriously that they hold festivals in honor of the fat pastry.  Thank you festival throwers.  I heart you so.  You have made my breakfast, lunch, and dinner life that much better.  I strongly suggest that all of you find a kolache and put it in your mouth. If you find no such kolache in your hood, we can probably work something out with my mom.  You can pay her in danishes.  Enjoy.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

You ask, we deliver.

Disclaimer to dude fans: This is all about clothes.  If you stick it out, there is a prize for you at the end of the post, so don't run away.

I'm sure all of our smart, amazing, highlarious readers are already fans of MODG.  If not you are crazy, and should click here.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that is where we got most of you lovely peeps.  Thanks for that by the way.  Anyway, she came to the Bats for some style ideas since we are super stylish and trendy wizards.  She is the new proud owner of a bad ass girly tulle ballet skirt pictured below (in both colors I might add).  This is def better than being the new proud owner of a baby I would say.  Like Kourtney Kardashian who pulled her own baby out of her vag on national reality television.  I loved this so much.  Moving on.  MODG gave birth to the tulle babies and needed some outfit direction.  Here is what we came up with. 

Our bad ass tulle skirt pairing suggestions are as follows...
Tight as shit tank tucked in. We would go with black, white, or gray.  That is just because we don't wear any other colors like weird green.  Long crazy necklace over the tank to jazz it up a bit.  Def go with some chains, or metal.  Go big or go home with the necklace.  Since you live in blizzard land, some snazzy patterned tights to protect your leg epidermis is vital.  As for the shoe choice... go with some bad ass pumps or booties with some studs or something punk rock to balance out the cutesy-ness of the skirt.  On top.... cropped leather jacket.  The end.  Pics included. You're welcome.



(Louboutins by the way)


There you have it folks.  Surprise surprise, we love black stuff.  You likes? 

And for all of you dudes who scrolled to the bottom of the page, here is your prize....  It's an amazing coffee drinking apparatus. You better come back.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


The party of the century. A party where the beer flows, mitch gets ho's, and a wiff of bolognese hits the nose. Mitchapalooza is basically heaven on earth.
After Mitchapalooza, I can die a happy man.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This is a real conversation. Part 2.

seriously Sasha, BB and I are completely taking over Facebook right now


yeah whatever you do, don’t comment on anything we say the time I actually get on Facebook all of it will be long gone
I’m not a Facebook addict, so it might be days before I’m back on

ahhh i see
Sasha is trying to get me and the BB to move in his house so I don’t move away
its really random, and I hope everyone else who commented on Sasha's link hates me
bc if they hate me, that I am practically interweb famous
end scene.

that's pretty great
worst idea ever
but definitely great

Ga Ga Ha Ha ha

Bad Romance - w4m (Philly)

Date: 2010-02-20, 12:26PM EST

yeah, i'm referring to Lady Gaga.
I don't want to be your friend, we are too intimate to be a friend, although we're not fooling around.
Don't say you love me and that you miss me and you don't want me to go away but then tell me stories of girls you're dating. I only go out to see all of this dull men so I'm not bored waiting for you to open your eyes and see how good we are together. But i'm still tired and bored so I'm gonna be unreachable for a while, need to be away from you, for my own good.

  • Location: Philly
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1609685598

anyone who references Lady GaGa on the interwebs will pretty much get a shout out.

This is her cover shoot for Q magazine.  I guess she's getting worn down and had a near meltdown on set, only allowing her bf to photograph.  Poor GaGa needs a nap!!  Read more here.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Brunch Crew

Spring is in the air and you know what that means.  Brunch crew is back in full force.  Its like the Breakfast Club, but with drinking.

Brunch Crew.  Team meetings are at brunch.  You can find us Sunday afternoons at a local bar.  I am usually a team leader.  I missed Brunch today (yes it gets capitalized) due to unforeseen circumstances.  However, I bring you this lovely post instead.

Specifics looked for: BYOB, $3 Bloody Mary’s, $1 Mimosas.  Bottomless Mimosas?  Even better!!

Other pluses: Flavored Mimosas or a Dang Good Bloody Mary
Entrees Under $12
A photobooth or being near anything that makes for a good backdrop

Favorite brunch memory: 
A BYO called Rx in West Philadelphia. (born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days…) Tree friends were united in wonderful tree friend form.  The night prior, we had bartended at the Arts Garage where some of our friends were DJing.  It was my number one favorite thing to do, late nights at the Arts Garage.  I have many fond memories of being overdressed with my girlfriends and making tons of money serving people Bankers Club and PBR at this fine establishment.  We had stayed out til 4am as per usual back in the good old days. 
The next morning, as if we didn’t have enough of each other yet, we had another misadventure to plan.  That’s right, Brunch.  To most people, BYO means bring wine to dinner.  To us, it means bring 3 bottles of vodka and 4 champagne for 8 of us.  In order to not look completely silly, we acted like we were cheers-ing our friend getting a big promotion at work.  (He later got laid off, I hope we didn’t jinx him…. Jk. ) Anyway the afternoon was full of antics and almost getting kicked out of the restaurant but ending up with us drinking with the staff.  An infamous quote from a newcomer was…. “Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your world.”   Bahahaha….. turns out she couldn’t handle us for long.  Anywho… drunken Brunches are the shiz.

When I miss Brunch... this happens.  

And so does this.  The cure for this is to NOT miss Brunch.  TBC…

Photo by Mike Whitson.  Shirt from Philly Phaithful.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Total Death Star

So in Batspeak a death star is anyone who becomes more famous or recognized after they die.  The goal is obvs to become "Phamous" but if that doesn't happen we will be happy to be a death star.  I have already instructed my tree friend to grab my computer and immediately publish everything if i die because that will def make me super fame monster important, and although I will be dead, at least my efforts will have been recognized.

The alternate definition for death star in batspeak would be to really emphasize a feeling or emotion.  Like I am death star miserable today.

Anyway, its no secret our love of fashion and weirdness here at the Batcave and Alexander McQueen is one of our all time favorite designers.  I mean Lady GaGa agrees with us so we must be right.

I was thrilled to sign on Coco Perez today and see that McQueen's line's profits have gone up 1400%.  Way to go AQ!  Make that $$, death star.

Much Love,

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Words from the Wise.

He is a Zach Braff: a dumb a**hole in a nerdy cute guy's body... very deceiving... the worst kind.

Every girl has dated one at some point in time. You lower your physical standards in the hope of finding more substance, but there is none. Instead just a nerdy d-bag who got off on the fact that he dated someone superior to himself. *stumbles off soap box*

Sometimes your neighbors fight.

Once upon a time, I heard my neighbors fighting….
So I was awakened a couple times tonight to hear my neighbor and a lady. First talking then dancing and then to hear her tearing him apart. She said that he was fat and over weight, she would never f**k him because he could barely move, ripped into him about his cat being fat, also something about him being too agreeable. I'm thinking this whole time, if u feel this way about him why did u go home with him and stay @ his house to 4:30 in the am? THEN as I'm thinking he needs to smack this b***h I hear her fall down his stairs and he's like “you ok?” Small “yes.” Then its quiet, I'm secretly hoping she broke her leg, he cut off her air supply and is digging a shallow grave in the basement for this evil woman. Then she leaves and he yells down the road "get out b***h."
So you think that's the end? F*** no. He gets a call and I hear him say to come back.  He goes outside and he's directing her back. I of course jump from my bed because I got to see this train wreck.  She is dressed in dark form fitting cloths, heeled boots I'm guessing, and dark hair shoulder length and thin. She grabs whatever she forgot from him ( a book I believe) and leaves. My neighbor calls to her to get home safe and text him when she arrives. Then I guess he throws a bottle towards the recycling or in her direction, whichever it was she storms back saying your going to throw a bottle at a woman?? Then I heard something about wanting to fight him. Then how she doesn't have time. (hahaha) And he's like I don't know what your talking about. She turns to leave again. And he calls out to walk home safe, text me, I wish you well, I wanna kiss you, I wanna kiss your stomach, I wish you well, b***h! I was loving how he stayed true to his nice roots, really wished he would of called her a G. D. Skank in the midst because her mouth was that trashy. Who needs a TV if you live in this neighborhood? 

Friday, February 19, 2010

Old Man Love

I mentioned this back in September, and it has now come back into my life.  There is a 60 year old man who likes to ride his bike around my neighborhood wearing this.......

Yesterday was a bit windy so he was also wearing a knit hat.  Of course.  Like I said, I had seen him back in September so I wasn't so shocked.  But I was a bit disturbed with my brain when I caught myself thinking, "Wow.  He has gotten in great shape.  That bike has done wonders for him."  Ewww, what?  Why are you looking at his shiny old man biker body you freak?!?  Stop this right now.  What is wrong with me?  I am an old man perv.  Gross.  But it's true.  He looked so healthy and happy in his little silver thong.  Ride on old man, ride on.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Life Demon

I have a creature that is disguised as a Chihuahua.  He is def not dog.  Almost positive he is part fox, ferret, bat, and alien.  Actually yes, that is exactly right.   He is best known around these parts as my demon.  He follows me around 24 hours a day and feels everything I do.  Like if I stub my freakishly small pinky toe, he will cry.  His name is Jax. Aka, Rax in Bat speak.  He has many problems.  I’m pretty sure that his brain is going to explode any day now from the constant anx he gives himself.  He does lots of funny weird stuff that I usually encourage because I think it’s entertaining.  If you stare straight into his eyes without saying anything he starts shaking and making high pitched creature sounds.  He is trying to communicate with his fellow creature demons.  My fave thing is when he does this to strangers when they come around.  They really don’t even have to look at him or even acknowledge him before he sits in their laps and starts probing their brains.  He is trying to mind control them to give me free stuff.  He also is a professional nostril diver.  His tongue will touch your brain if you don’t pay attention to your nose holes.  He has extreme OCD tendencies.  He only likes red pieces of creature food and will pick out all the rest.  Give him a creature treat and he will touch his nose to it, then nose slam the ground.  He will do this for hours if you let him.  Yesterday he was hungry so he ferret swiped my sock and put it in his bowl.  He then creature cried until I went and looked at it.  If I were to die he would chew through his skinny creature wrists.  I promise.  He hides and burrows in small areas around the casa and comes out to greet humans upon arrival. He gravitates towards dudes for some reason.  I did not teach him this.  His fave past time is nuzzling my face and trying to burrow in my chest cavity.  His life goal is to live in there all nice and cozy like.  He also serves as a super stylish black and white scarf when I’m cold.  He just acts like he is dead and lets me wear him.  That is pretty fun, and PETA can’t say shit.  I recommend that everyone have a demon.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Welcome back to Weasel Wednesday.  This is a place we can talk freely about weasels.  Who decides ultimately what makes someone a weasel?  That’s easy.  We do.  Feel free to add your own weasel commentary and maybe it will be featured on the next WW.  As we can see there is no shortage of weaselry and we always have plenty....

- If a guy takes you on a first date to burger king and drops you off early cause his ex girlfriend calls….
- If you hubby is in another state and they get a weekend furlough and he rents a hotel room with the only 2 females in the platoon….
- If you are dating a guy and he only wants to hang out with you late at night so you can hook up with him but never takes you on dates…. Then you tell him you will be out with friends and he won't tell you where he is going for the night...but shows up at the place you said you would be and acts like he doesn't know you just to spy on you….. Then, when a guy hits on you, he comes over and acts all jealous and wants to fight the guy…. Ultimate D-bag Weasel.

I’d Like to steal a term from MODG and call this one the “F***myfaceoff Weasel”
-        If you went home with him and didn't want to get frisky because of the lack of landscaping to the shrubbery down below, but, after some convincing, got in the shower to take care of aforementioned situation then proceeded to get frisky, spend the night, and wake up in the morning to find his roommate in bed with you angrily asking who the f*** you were and stating that you passed out naked in his bed, later finding out that the man you slept with slipped out before you awoke and was in cahoots with his roommate just so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to you...YOU GOT WEASELED….

This week we have our first ever “Weasel-gram”… and let me tell you how super-duper-shades and a-high-side-ponytail excited about this new gem to be bringing you…!!  The world of weasels has reached all time high…
Dear Weasel,
I thought I was slumming' dating you to begin with. I am aware your brain can't be larger than your tiny penis but that is still no excuse for your weasel-ness. For starters you lie to attract girls. I.E. "I'm going to try out to play pro baseball so I'll most likely be playing pro ball soon." when the reality is you will never play pro ball. You tell girls you're super religious but I've never seen a bigger hypocrite in the world. You are superficial, judgmental, and I've never heard a dirtier mouth on anyone I've ever slept with in my life.  I especially loved when I came back from California early just to see you only for you to ditch me and your Facebook status to read "going to see a certain someone". This upset me so much since we were talking every day like we were together, I had to excuse myself from visiting with my grandfather.....who the next evening almost died. Somehow you weaseled your way out of that one and kept me around by saying you were so busy working but wanted to keep talking, however the reality was you were seeing another girl the entire time and stringing me along. When the girl took off, and I had moved on, you tried to reconnect again. I dumbly accepted and invited you to my birthday. Not only did you totally bail out on coming to my birthday but you didn't even text or call to let me know you couldn't make it and you ruined my night. I dumbly reconnected with you one last time.... met up with you and finally realized you were King Weasel!!  I am glad to be rid of you.


And yes, the Moment we’ve all been waiting for… its our Weasel of the Week!

If he’s are dating* a nice, cute girl (Rose)… who's really into him and starts bringing her friend around (Blanche), who happens to have a boyfriend…  and the Weasel and Blanche start to really hit it off….. he’s probably a weasel....
… Now, after a couple of weeks of them all hanging out, Weasel and Blanche start to become really flirty with one another. One night Weasel has after hours at his place…. Rose is drunk and starts to get pissed at Weasel and Blanche for being all flirty, so she goes and passes out in his room, in bed with Sophia…. After everyone else leaves and it’s just Weasel and Blanche, Weasel is laying on one of his couches and Blanche joins him for a cuddle. They mess around** a little bit and the friend starts to feel like a trash bag and says that they can’t… she has a boyfriend. Weasel tells her that he’s going to bed and that she can crash on the couch.
[He lives in a loft type place, so you can see the couches from his bed.]

He lays in bed with Rose (and Sophia) and starts fooling around with Rose's girl junk…. Now, she’s still kind of out of it, so he sticks her hand down his pants and she starts giving him some phantom manual***
And the real weaselry here is …
Weasel said that the whole time that she was giving him a hand job he was looking at her friend sleeping on the couch….  Ouch.

*He’s not really that into her but enjoys the freedom of the drunken hook up when all else fails. 
**kissing on the neck, back rubs, blah blah…
***stroking him while drunk and half awake

Words from the wise: " Where I am from a ho is a ho is a ho and I would suggest you slither your skanky ho self away from me before I put this pool cue in a place that you will NEVER need a man again.."
Thanks to singedwingangel and  Meagan@Megs7827 for their comments last week!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

This is a real conversation.

i'm a degenerate too!
2:50 PM

i am a loser
i need to cleanse my aura
how do i do that?
i should google it
2:55 PM

f***ing heart palps today

f'in death wish today
that was my saying yesterday. death star miserable
i dont even know what a death star is but it sounds cool

oh it's when stars die unexpectedly, ie, the clueless girl

oh! right
she was such a death star
3:05 PM

or get more famous after they die

like the kid in the hot air balloon.
except he didn't die. hahah
3:10 PM

and he wasn't a star
he was a far
feath far
3:25 PM

Midnight Creepers.

Today I would like to talk to you a little about Midnight Creepers.  A Midnight Creeper is anyone who tries to hook up with someone else in the middle up the night by unexpectedly “creeping” on their unsuspecting victims.  The best way to deal with a Midnight Creeper is to roll over and go back to sleep.

In the wise words of Elton John….
“Well there's no more sleeping
When I'm midnight creeping over you
Watch out honey, watch out honey
Watch the things you do”

Drinking Cities.

Drinking.  It causes problems.  But so much fun.  
Men’s Health ranked the drunkest cities, which compiled the lists below based the number of DUI arrests, number of DUI related fatal crashes, frequency of binge drinking, deaths related to alcohol liver disease, and the severity of drunk driving laws.
The "most drunk" cities in America:
1. Fresno, CA

2. Reno, NV

3. Billings, MT 

4. Riverside, CA

5. Austin, TX 

And the "least drunk" cities:
1. Boston, MA 

2. Yonkers, N.Y.

3. Rochester, N.Y.

4. Salt Lake City, UT
There you have it! To see how your city scored, click here

Monday, February 15, 2010

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day Y'all

Anti- Valentine’s Day

10 Reasons my Best Friend is a One-Year-Old:

Also know as  That’s not a real site I am just really into the interweb these days and like saying it.

I also really, but that’s a story for another day.

10. I don’t mind sharing my lucky charms with him, and giving him the last bite.

9.   When other guys say "you're too skinny", he says "Mom, can I borrow your batman t-shirt?"

8. He always feeds my dog, even when I don’t.

7. He loves my cooking.

6. He always smells good and looks good in pjs.

5. He totally doesn’t care if I wear makeup.  Or shower.

4. He likes the same things as me.  Like headbands.  And bracelets.  His favorite lyrics are Ga Ga Ooh La La.  And dances immediately to GaGa or Britney.

3. He actually doesn’t want me to take his pants off.

2. . He ALWAYS laughs at my jokes.  Like a lot.

1. He is always happy to see me, even if he’s with another girl. I also make him happier than any other girl.  Ever.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Bitter Musings and Mockeries

Here are some great ideas for (Anti) Valentine’s Day.  At least in my opinion.  Which is the one the matters most.

1. Toilet noise blocker.  I don’t think this makes a lot of sense but I like it anyway.  “…makes the noise of a toilet flushing to hide the other noises you might be making. Press the button twice and the sound of flushing lasts for 25 seconds. This little device means you won't have to flush for real and thus saves water.”

3. Bittersweets®. I will never look at Candy hearts the same way again.  And I love them.  But these make me laugh.  Bahahahahaha… another great idea.

Definitely geared at the bitter and distraught…  “For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.”

"Unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were."

You can shoose your own collection, I like dejected or dysfunctional.

"Dejected" sayings include:

"Dysfunctional" sayings include:

Available in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.

5. Beer gloss.  “The Valentine’s Day gift that makes her happy, and makes you happy too.”

Funniest singles event I have seen yet:  Sleep-Mate date Night.  
Held at Ikea and sponsored by a bunch of liquor companies (go figure) and encourages singles to meet up in bed and try out mattresses.  So disgusting, but so funny.

 Bats and caves.  xox, US

Saturday, February 13, 2010

5 Things We like today:


Yes headbands.  And I really like the ones here at   

Dudes at bars like them too.  True story.  Always good to carry one in your purse in case you need a costume change at some point in the night.  The ones listed are made by two girls who are stylists from LA, and one is named Jamie!  Love this quote from them: “ jen thinks she is funnier than jamie, but jamie disagrees.”  Hmmm. Sounds familiar, no??

**Alice in Wonderland AND ***Urban Outfitters

There is the amazingness that is this book and these illustrations.  Best.  Thing.  Ever.  Welcome to my dream world.  Check out the video here.

And speaking of Alice…did you ever watch the made for tv version from 1985? It was a 2 night special.. Anywho, you should check it ROCKS :) There are clips on youtube just search Alice in Wonderland 1985 and they will come up...  creeps my out slightly how slow it moves… but also makes me LOL!! 

Another UO contest and one that we Bats entered but did not win…. Wahhhh…. But the pics that did win are pretty cool so check them out here.

**  Taking boy stuff and making it girl stuff
This is such a cool idea!!!  And so creative J  The basic premise is that you send her a shirt of a boy (one you love or one you hate, really doesn’t matter!!) And she makes it into a scarf, pin or messenger bag.  Super cute results, and you can keep him around forever, or just remember you made something good come from him (and then forget him).

** Emotions Can Be Dangerous

Sh*t don’t I know that.  Dangerous, painful and effin’ hard and miserable.  The real statement here is in the pieces!  This is my #1 favorite item right now. I wear it all the times,  usually even to sleep.  Made by a local artist, Sharif, I saw it on Daily Candy and swore it was made for me. Might because it reminds me of my 2 besties in other parts of the country.  Maybe its because it reminds me of La Roux “ My heart melts just like plastic….”  Maybe it’s the shattered dream of my “bag o’ weapons” necklace. Whatever it is, it makes me happy and I want more. Look out for lots more stuff we like from this guy…. I mean really perfect right? Hearts and guns and cold hard shiny plastic… what’s not to L.O.V.E?

I want this… and this….

Check out all of it here.