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I love my delusions.

Apparently some people get offended by our posts.  So here’s my advice.  Waltz your cellulite ass over to the dictionary (it’s a big book with words and their definitions) and look up “random thoughts” and “delusions.”  Oh, you’re too lazy?  I did it for you on Wikipedia.

- A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception.

So that means if I want to believe that pigs can fly,

that fruit can talk,

or that vaginas can be made of sushi,

I am well within my rights.  Read the effing title of the blog.  Its fiction people, and if there’s something you are worried about, maybe you should go to your gyno instead of airing out on the walk to your local precinct to see McGruff the Crime Dog and show him your high school paper printed in Times New Roman on your word document. 

If that’s not enough for ya, here’s a little something called “Freedom of Speech.”

Freedom of speech is the freedom to speak without censorship and/or limitation. The synonymous term freedom of expression is sometimes used to indicate not only freedom of verbal speech but any act of seeking, receiving and imparting information or ideas, regardless of the medium used. In practice, the right to freedom of speech is not absolute in any country and the right is commonly subject to limitations, such as on "hate speech".  I didn’t say I hated anything, not even sushi.

This blog is a silly happy fun place to have fun with friends. 

Thanks for reading!  No go get some teriyaki and ginger, and call it a night.

I love Cheese.

i like cheese and am about to put some on the sandwich i'm planning out in my head...now if only someone would come make the sandwich in my head like they do at wawa....i wish i had a wawa in my kitchen....a private wawa...only members could come eat with me...oh and it would come with a wawa emplyee....a robot so it wouldn't steal my wawa. And i may have to add on a cheeseteak section to my wawa (Wawa's have cheesteaks now!) ...oh and it would sell yuengling instead of slurpee's bc i don't like them....(I only like blue or red.  plain blue or red)

all this started with my love of cheese...

yum

Peanut Butter Disaster

This is so strange and hilarious.  Only a few seconds of this absolute weirdness, but totally worth watch if you like weird creepy shiz.  Oh, and what makes this even weirder is that i had a boyfriend in college who would trip on acid and rub peanut butter all over himself.  I was  clearly in a stage....

Breakfast Appetizers

A few years ago, while living in Boston, my friend and I had another crazy night.

We went to a bar where we were completely out of place.  We asked the bartender to make us red-headed sluts.  He made them as drinks instead of shots.  We drank them anyway.  We wanted sausage.  Apparently in more ways then one.  We go to the sausage cart to get sausage.  (This is common in Boston, and delicious) I don’t think we had money.  If we did, I guess we didn’t want to spend it.  Because I flashed the dude and got us some free sausage.  And not like that. 

Well at least not till later.  We both lived in the city.  We could have taken a cab home.  I guess we felt it was a better idea to go meet these cute guys across Quincy Market and go home with them.  I’m pretty sure I made mine come pee with me on the steps somewhere, and my friend was dumping her bottled water on hers.  Obviously these were 2 desirable qualities in girls because they took us back with them.  We drive with them outside of the city to their place.  I think the guy had a cat and sold pottery for a living.  My friend had sex with her dude on the patio, I think she got concrete burn. he was really funny and had to get up early in the morning to play in a golf tournament.

My dude took the two of us to breakfast in the morning before he took us home.  (Granted she stayed in touch with hers, I did not.) We were starving.  Starving so much that we wanted appetizers for breakfast.  We proceeded to ask the bartender why there were not apps for breakfast.  He brought us a bowl of oatmeal.  Appetizer for breakfast.  Sounds like a great idea.  I love brunch and am always hungry.  I always want breakfast appetizers.  Today in NYC there was whole section of the menu devoted to it.  Awesome.  

Brunch Crew

Spring is in the air and you know what that means.  Brunch crew is back in full force.  Its like the Breakfast Club, but with drinking.

Brunch Crew.  Team meetings are at brunch.  You can find us Sunday afternoons at a local bar.  I am usually a team leader.  I missed Brunch today (yes it gets capitalized) due to unforeseen circumstances.  However, I bring you this lovely post instead.

Specifics looked for: BYOB, $3 Bloody Mary’s, $1 Mimosas.  Bottomless Mimosas?  Even better!!

Other pluses: Flavored Mimosas or a Dang Good Bloody Mary

Entrees Under $12

A photobooth or being near anything that makes for a good backdrop

Favorite brunch memory: 

A BYO called Rx in West Philadelphia. (born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days…) Tree friends were united in wonderful tree friend form.  The night prior, we had bartended at the Arts Garage where some of our friends were DJing.  It was my number one favorite thing to do, late nights at the Arts Garage.  I have many fond memories of being overdressed with my girlfriends and making tons of money serving people Bankers Club and PBR at this fine establishment.  We had stayed out til 4am as per usual back in the good old days. 

The next morning, as if we didn’t have enough of each other yet, we had another misadventure to plan.  That’s right, Brunch.  To most people, BYO means bring wine to dinner.  To us, it means bring 3 bottles of vodka and 4 champagne for 8 of us.  In order to not look completely silly, we acted like we were cheers-ing our friend getting a big promotion at work.  (He later got laid off, I hope we didn’t jinx him…. Jk. ) Anyway the afternoon was full of antics and almost getting kicked out of the restaurant but ending up with us drinking with the staff.  An infamous quote from a newcomer was…. “Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your world.”   Bahahaha….. turns out she couldn’t handle us for long.  Anywho… drunken Brunches are the shiz.

When I miss Brunch... this happens.  

And so does this.  The cure for this is to NOT miss Brunch.  TBC…

Photo by Mike Whitson.  Shirt from Philly Phaithful.

Snookin' for Wings.

If there’s something with Snooki and hot sauce happening in my city, you know I need to write about it.

The bars opened at 7 am and people were drunk and passing out by 11am. It was 90% dudes and could have been called the Sausage Bowl.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of things I saw by 3pm.  Keep in mind this was not at the actually Wing Bowl, this was at a bar celebrating it.  And I was working…

1.     Straws in the ladies room toilet.

2.     A guy, late twenties, passed out standing up.  With lots of mardi gras beads

3.     A guy, late forties, passed out on the floor in his own vomit.

4.     Random 30 year olds making out on the dance floor.

5.     Lots of blacked-out wastedness and being escorted out.

I asked some Wing Bowl VIPs who showed up at the bar if they saw Snooki.  They said “yes, we gave her a Philly welcome and boo’ed the shit out of her.”  Typical.  Then I got yelled out for asking about her and told she was a “pig.”  Well guess what??  That "pig" turned down $400k to pose nude in Playboy because she didnt want her family to see her naked.  (WTF???) J-Woww, on the other hand, agreed to $200k.  That’s my girl.

Catch up with Perez on the latest Snooki gossip here.  Philly dramz included. And her new bf pics are up.

You can Snooki-Yourself at MTV.com

And here's how much snow is in Philly.... the Snooki-Meter!

RANDOMNESS Y'ALL

So the bats are in Texas this weekend.  Just bats being bats.  Hanging upside down by day, and partying in sparkles by night.

I got to eat an avocado stuffed with chicken.  And fried.  I got to almost steal a tip jar, and got a cup with Mr. Nacho on it.

I got to talk to DFW about going to a psychic.  Her biggest concern for me is that the psychic will tell me I am going to become a lesbian in 5 years.  This is not my biggest worry.  All of my hair falling out is my biggest worry. 

I got to eat breakfast tacos.  Twice.  In one day. 

We had to bring outfits over to Dixie’s place.  We brought about the same amount as what I expect an impoverished person to have in their closet.  It turned into a pile of black sparkles.

We saw a Justin Beiber impostor!

We are trying to play a drinking game on Facebook.  Its not working out so well.  We are supposed to drink every time we see an attractive person.  They are few and far between  we don’t count.  Neither do our own pages. 

I scared the deaf 3 legged cat with the hairdryer.  Now he is really freaked out by me.  I keep making weird noises at him and forgetting he can’t hear me.

We went to the museum and this little girl told my kiddo to stop following her.  I encouraged this behavior.  If I had a girl I would be buying her glitter hair extensions and telling her that boys suck.  Or stink.

We stole glasses and are drinking mimosas out them.

Appropriate photo props include but are not limited to: sleeping people, dogs that match our outfits, glasses, and toys from vending machines that look like butts.  With hair on them.  Or penises.

We went to a playmates birthday party last night.  It made our boobs feel small.  There was this crazy chick who served as both entertainment and annoyance for the night.

The Misadventures continue….

WEASEL WEDNESDAY: AIM WEASEL EDITION

Welcome back to Weasel Wednesday.  This is a place we can talk freely about weasels.  Who decides ultimately what makes someone a weasel?  That’s easy.  We do.  Feel free to add your own weasel commentary and maybe it will be featured on the next WW.  As we can see there is no shortage of weaselry and we always have plenty.  This week we may or may not have some “she-weasels.”

Check out more weaselry here.  And here. 

Looks like even Broke Ass Stuart is getting in on Weasel Wednesdays…

10. If he tells’s you that you are the one right before he breaks up with you…

9. If you guys are in a relationship on Facebook, but his relationship status is hidden…

-       8. If he (or she) oddly falls out of touch, then starts dating your ex (we were together for 3 years, he and his ex are the only ones we ever double dated with!!)

7. If his friends refer to you as "the mistress".

6. If he takes you to a fancy restaurant and only orders an appetizer…- If he asks you to pay for you half of dinner…. And parking…

5. If you call him and his roommate answers and asks "Is this Jessica?" and your name is NOT Jessica.

4. If he tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, but then he lies and tells you he just got a DUI and you need to come bail him out, because he found out you were at another guys house….

3.   If he cheats on you, admits it, convinces you take his weasel ass back, then continues to see her behind your back for like 3 months (and takes her on ALL the dates you have been asking him to take you on).
and three years after you breakup he starts talking to you again, and after days of texting you- spends the night with the girl he cheated with you on in the first place! 

lesson learned a million times over.

2. If your boyfriend who you were living with is secretly on match.com and his profile picture is one of you and him with you cut out….

1. if you are doing long distance, and he INSTANT MESSAGES you...yes, OVER THE COMPUTER to say "I'm going to be a dad, I've been cheating on you, she's 4 MONTH PREGGERS and we're PROBABLY GETTING MARRIED"....fucking death weasel times infinity....

Thanks to Julie, kys, jessalyn and Sarah for this week’s comments…

Ga Ga Ga....Blah Blah Blah.

I received this email from DFW, who is one of my absolute faves. She wrote this because she was bored at work, and of course for my personal viewing pleasure. Earning those dollars!! And, OH BOY, am I glad she shared. I thought I should in turn share it with our Blog besties. And by all means... please add to the list of pre babyness.

Things I have to accomplish this year before I’ll “give in and get pregnant already”:

1. Get my wedding body back (one year’s worth of heavenly bliss has taken that from me).
2. Go to Europe, preferably Italy, but I’m flexible.
3. Buy a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes. (Shoe Dazzle doesn't count I guess...)
4. Go to Vegas and do whatever it takes to be “That girl at the club last night…”
5. Go somewhere in Central America.
6. Learn how to cook 5 awesome meals that I’ll never have time to make with a kid around- fancy stuff that has lots of steps and ingredients that I have to search for.
7. Finish decorating my house.
8. Have a super sweet party at my new house with friends from out of town, in town, and complete strangers who just show up. Like the ones I’d have at my parent’s house when they were out of town.
9. Get really obsessively anal about my anti-looking old regime so that no kid could ever make me think I have no time for it.
10. Go somewhere tropical where I can lay around and get skin cancer (not really, had that- it sucks) and drink anything served to me with a tiny umbrella.
11. Read all of the books I’ve bought over the last year, started, never finished, then placed on a shelf for décor. (also known as door stops)
12. Go discover some good local bands. I had this in Austin, lost it when I moved to Dallas, maybe Fort Worth’s got something worth hearing…
13. Hire an awesome photographer and have family pictures taken, just us and the dogs, before a baby comes along and has to be in all the pictures. Show stealer. (aka Life Stealer)
14. Create a cool wall collage of above mentioned photos along with other cool “pre-baby” family photos.
15. Invite every girl friend I have- even the ones I don’t really like that much- to my house for a no boys, wine-bar hopping, slumber party, cheesy weekend. Or long weekend. Or multiple weekends.
16. Get a gun. And learn how to shoot it. I don’t care what people say. I NEED it.
17. Research and find super cute and trendy maternity clothing stores/websites. If I’ve gotta get fat I’m going to dress it up as much as possible.
18. Find a way to volunteer for and with animals. Then try to convince Husband to let me adopt some of them.
19. Develop some hobbies that don’t involve online shopping because I’m sure I’ll have a spending cap once I’m not working and am at home with kids.
20. Set some shit straight with some people who are going to be around my babies and discuss what’s appropriate and what’s definitely NOT. Better to set the ground rules ahead of time. (Hmmmm... In laws much?)

SOME RANDOM TEXT

Day 2 of the new year was successful. As in I got dressed and socialized with people in real life (life in person, not skype or ichat). Thanks to MODG I wore two scarves. I red wined a little, I socialized with real people, and I even walked to the grocery store in 27 degree weather. Oh! And we cooked. Pork and sauerkraut, because I heard it’s good luck. Anyone else heard of this? Anyway, it was delicious and I figured there is no way its gonna hurt. I am all positive vibes and happy thoughts in 2010.

“pigs are considered good luck charm symbols and cabbage leaves are symbolic of money, thus having pork and Sauerkraut are felt to be the best way to pave the way for the New Year. Pigs became good luck charms and were also used then for saving money in piggy banks."

I mean when else can you hang out with good friends and discuss things like wave caps and scrapple and sit back and say it was a good Saturday night?

The Capital One Bowl 2010: Penn State Nittany Lions vs. LSU Tigers. Penn State Nittany Lions won with a score of 19 against LSU Tigers’ score of 17

Thanks Bin Laden! ~ JJ

~~~oh one oh two two oh one oh~~~

In the year 2010 pterodactyls will swoop down and eat the farmlands in Illinois

~ Gretadamus

EWWWW NO. WHY?

The McNuggetini....... anyone?? This is apparently some new drink that has been made up and is trying to make its way into our stomachs. Vom. Ingredients: Part McDonald's chocolate shake, and part chicken McNugget. Seriously, this is not one of my delusions I am trying to push on you. This is an actual real life thing. Oh, and wait! They garnish your glass with an actual McNugget just in case there isn't enough of the meat taste in your drink. The glass is also rimmed with barbecue sauce. Thirsty yet? I was already feeling nauseated toady after accidentally seeing a birthing story on TV, and now this. Thank you universe. My stomach is now finding it's way into my throat. Off the to the toilet now. Enjoy your lunches.