The Blue Gum Incident.

(Also know as The girl who got blue gum stuck in her pubes.)

I can’t chew Winterfresh gum. I don’t even like to look at it. It skeeves me out because I cant think about blue gum without thinking about it being stuck in Penny Piper’s pubes. Obviusoly the name is made up to protect the guilty. I will never forget this story from back a few years ago. (Nor will I ever look at Winterfresh gum the same way.) A good friend of mine had this roommate. She was a cool enough girl but not always the nicest. So truth be told, the legend of the blue gum is quite possibly the best thing she has going for her. Said girl was hooking up with this guy, as all of us do in New England. *

Anyway… girl and guy must have fallen asleep while he was going down on her.** LOL on its own…. Before the blue gum even takes its starring role. She woke up in the morning, in her roommates bed nonetheless, with blue gum all smattered in her pubes. It was enough of a mess that she had to cut it out. Who even has enough pubes to cut these days? And whose scissors did she use? Did she end up with a bald spot? Did she dispose of the scissors or disinfect them? Best part of the story, she says “the weird thing is it was my gum.”

She ended up running to said gum chewer and decided to give things another go round. Bad move on her part, she ended up kicking him out after he tried to have sex with her while she still had her underwear on. My first reaction was “that had to hurt.“ I just keep imagining this frumpy girl with her frumpy hair in her frump Boston sweatshirt, with blue gum in her pubes. What a great story, but what’s then last time anyone actually had pubes? I remember shaving them in my college dorm shower freshman year and never looking back. Here’s to hoping she cleaned up since then.

*{It’s too damn cold to sleep alone. And the bars, the lovely delicious bars with their lovely delicious drinks. Yes, we all got very very drunk. Especially in the winters. It was this, or succumb to wearing brown turtleneck sweaters with jeans and flat brown shoes. I chose this drunkenness, and did so in my slutty college variety of black polyester tanks in a plethora of shapes and sizes from Forever 21. With jeans and black boots. Because EVERYONE in Boston wears jeans. And Northface fleeces. }

**{Sidenote: I had a boyfriend fall asleep while we were having sex in college. Bad idea. I gave this fair-haired kid the best/ worst hickey of all time, and the day before a family function at that. Bastard deserved it, and I was forever known a“the girlfriend who gave the ridiculous hickey. “}

Prom Boy goes haywire. And I watch the slow wreck...

22 year old Justin Bieber and I talk throughout Sunday and Facebook back and forth.  I notice he became friends with a few other people from the party, we tag each others pictures so on and so forth.  4 days later he is in a relationship on Facebook.  I take this very seriously as facebook is life.  However after reviewing the prom pictures I decide that my little cutie can no way in hell be with this chick unless he’s into beastiality.

Here’s my note to him…

Dear 22 year old,

 You have to be out of your freaking mind, why one earth would you go out with a girl who is 11 years older than you? And right after you met me? What the fuck is that? That makes me feel like I am either an ugly fucking troll, which I am not, or that you have mental problems.

Xox, Bat

So I have continued on to stalking the shit out of these 2 because it provides me with endless entertainment and this story for you guys.  I just about stalk them daily.  Its great.  You would think that they would block me or make that shit private.  But no its free reign for me to find out what freaks these suburbs people are.  I banged this 22 year old in the back of his car after a party.  It was awesome.  We talked the next day.  He friend requested me.  Broke rule number one.  He is so dumb because this 33 year old girl friend requested him, they stayed in touch, they got into a facebook relationship 4 days after hanging out and dating.  Now they are moving in together!!!  In the middle of effing nowhere.

Here is our conversation:

Me: is this relationship stat real?

Bieber 22: yeah it is...

Me: so you have a girlfriend already? and you met her the same night you met me? and its THAT girl in the picture? woah weird BAHAHAHA

Bieber 22: well she like added me after that party i didnt even talk to her there then we just started hanging out it happened kinda fast..

Me:  ok well good luck. i guess call me if it doesn't work out. haha. I'm surprised she doesn't look like your type. Or I guess I am the one who's not your type...

Bieber 22: i dunno we just clicked but i mean who knows what'll happen i'd still like to party or whatever just cant hook up ya know im not a cheater

Me: its cool. whatever. i just think its pretty fucking weird. i'm not trying to get you to cheat i just think people who have awesome sex in the back of cars and end up with a girlfriend they met the same night as me who is obviously completely opposite of me like 4 days later is weird. why bother even asking for my number, you could have left it as it was or at least responded when I was asking if it was real. is she like way older than you?

Me: this is f'in hilarious you are moving in with her now? this is a great story

OK SO MY QUESTION IS.... WOULD YOU RATHER....

This is obvs going to lead me into my post about downgrades… and the more you hate me, the more I love me… so feel free to comment..

Stomach Shooters

We had a suggestion from a faithful reader.  To talk about “stomach shooters.”  Now that’s some batspeak for ya.  Keep reading to get more details on this special breed….  “And I say the blog should have an upcoming story about letting guys know that us girls need to be fore-warned before they explode on our stomach….”

And so unfolds a story of guys who sadly enough, “sneak attacks with jizz.”

My first experience with this was in college.  In a dorm room no less.  I already had my own apartment, but was already honing in on my cougar skills and decided to make the trek back to dorm world for some fun with the hot boy.  Now I thought he was really hot.  Apparently hot enough to ignore the fact that he was acting like we were in a porn and he insisted on jerking off next to me instead of actually hooking up with me.  At some point I finally realized he was more into himself then he was into me.  I probably should have left to test my theory but shit, I was already there so why not stick around to see how it ended.  Well let’s just say it ended with a very unsatifying pile on my stomach.  By now I can’t even remember if he cleaned it up, or if I did, I only remember thinking WTF.  And what a waste.  Why did we not just have sex?  Why instead did he have sex with himself and land his unborn babies on my stomach?  Isn’t that what condoms are for?  Or a combo of birth control and pulling out?  (it was college here, give me a break).

So a few of us girls were sitting in the student union building one day and his name comes up.  I of course feel the strong need to tell everyone about what had happened on our “romantic evening.”  I quickly recover by saying  “OMG guys! Don't tell anyone I told you about this poor boy! 

Later that day he IMed me this morning during class and was all, "I hope you said all good things about me!" I was all, "Ummmm, yeah!"   As it turns out, he had also IMed one of my friends that day and simply said "yooo". She did not feel that such a tactless IM required a response.  He also invited her to his apartment party, too. I told her she should bring a towel...Poor guy.  But on the bright side, he didn't sneak attack my mouth with jizz.... (some might say….I know I don't need those empty wasted calories!)  I however would suffice to say that at least it would make your skin clear up.  But from a random, no thanks.

So he will forever be remembered as the “Stomach Shooter.”  We may even start “Goober Tuesdays” in his honor…. Thoughts?

Snookin' for Wings.

If there’s something with Snooki and hot sauce happening in my city, you know I need to write about it.

The bars opened at 7 am and people were drunk and passing out by 11am. It was 90% dudes and could have been called the Sausage Bowl.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of things I saw by 3pm.  Keep in mind this was not at the actually Wing Bowl, this was at a bar celebrating it.  And I was working…

1.     Straws in the ladies room toilet.

2.     A guy, late twenties, passed out standing up.  With lots of mardi gras beads

3.     A guy, late forties, passed out on the floor in his own vomit.

4.     Random 30 year olds making out on the dance floor.

5.     Lots of blacked-out wastedness and being escorted out.

I asked some Wing Bowl VIPs who showed up at the bar if they saw Snooki.  They said “yes, we gave her a Philly welcome and boo’ed the shit out of her.”  Typical.  Then I got yelled out for asking about her and told she was a “pig.”  Well guess what??  That "pig" turned down $400k to pose nude in Playboy because she didnt want her family to see her naked.  (WTF???) J-Woww, on the other hand, agreed to $200k.  That’s my girl.

Catch up with Perez on the latest Snooki gossip here.  Philly dramz included. And her new bf pics are up.

You can Snooki-Yourself at MTV.com

And here's how much snow is in Philly.... the Snooki-Meter!

PUSSERIFIC

I got a letter (email) from a friend today, and naturally felt the need to share it with all our lovely readers. It’s disgusting. And completely hilarious… She works at Lush, a totally awesome all natural product store….

So this girl comes in to my store yesterday and well, how do I put this? Umm...her skin was so scary I couldn't look.... I instantly tried to think up excuses to go to the back room. I run through the list of excuses and realize I have none. They had already been used up for the day. As I begin to panic I decide I will go talk to her and focus on her eyes so that maybe I don't notice her stomach churning broken out skin. Maybe I will get lucky and she won’t want any help and will just dismiss me so I can go stare at the pretty soaps near by.

SO...I approach and start with "Hi, how are you doing today (staring at her eyes)", she replies "I need help with facial cleansers"....FUCK! SHE NEEDS HELP and now I have to look at her skin!!! I try not to look like I just threw up in my mouth.... and say "Ok, what is your skin type like?" and she replies

"Umm, I’m kind of break out prone and my skin is oily." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.... your face looks like Mount Vesuvius is growing all over it and it is so shiny there is a glare from the store lights bouncing off your face that is blinding me.

I explain which facial cleansers she should use and am thankful I can look at the cleansers instead of the white heads all over her face....Hello? You have fingernails...use them to pop that shit!!!! You know I love a good zit but OMG, these were a species of zit I had never seen before...and they terrified me. I tried to picture my favorite zip popping to calm myself, you know, the curly Q ones? But suddenly my fave zit popping turned into a nightmare as I pictured her massive ones popping and hitting me in the eye causing immediate blindness.... it was awful.

She then tells me maybe her skin isn't oily and asks if I can touch it and tell her! I froze. TOUCH IT?? REALLY? My heart started to race and my super nice and helpful work persona began to crumble.... all I could think was "Touch you? I will have to chop off my own hand if I do that.... I wouldn't touch your face with a rubber glove on.... you touch it if you want someone to touch it...your face is a mess, do u wash it with shit?" I refrain once again and say "it looks a bit on the oily side like you said and I don't want to get dirt on your skin."

Needless to say, she bought what I suggested.... I’m permanently scarred with the image of my hand on her face covered in puss and black heads.... my love of popping curly Q zits is forever tainted.... she ruined one of my favorite things.

Speaking of pimple popping parties…Last night I was in the car with this girl and she was talking about popping her cat’s blackheads.

OH. EM. GEE.

I plugged my ears and tied my hood around my face, I wanted to vomit. We all know I love a good zit pop as well and my personal faves are the ones that erupt and splat on the mirror but really, A CAT???!! And where exactly does a cat get blackheads? VOM. Big time.

BORED DATE: WTF???

Email forward I had to share... eww wtf....

The caption was "How to tell if your date is bored"

Look closely to be grossed out. I am just glad its not a Coors Light...

END OF LIFE AS I KNOW IT

Ok so if you read Martinis or Diaper Genies, you may know that this is a response the the List of New Mommy things. if you don't read it, check it out here.

MODG

Here is a non-comprehensive list of important things I learned giving birth.

1. WATER BREAKING: My water broke at 1:45 on Thursday night/ Friday am. I was pissed. It was 2 weeks early and I was not ready. I started freaking out and then realized this baby was not going to control me. Noe now, not ever. I got up, I showered, I packed my bag. I woke significant other. He didn’t believe me and thought I peed myself. I was like fine whatever then switch sides of the bed with me. He did not. I put a towel down and went back to bed. Oh after I put the laundry in. I woke up at 8 am still pissed off and called the doc. They told me to go the hospital. At this point I am still pissed off and not having contractions. All I can think about is that my house isn’t clean and people are going to be coming to visit when I get home and see how dirty my house is. Also I have to be honest, I couldn’t help thinking my life was over.

2. TOUCHING: I actually don’t even remember who was touching me or who was in the room. Maybe I just didn’t care. I just remember when they checked my water it was so painful I thought there was no way a kid would fit though there.

3. PUSHING: I had an epidural. I didn’t care about pushing I wanted to go to sleep and I wanted everyone to leave me alone. So I just pushed t get them off my back. I was really just hoping I didn’t pop a blood vessel in my eye. When I told my mom this after the fact, she said she had the same concern.

4. POOPING: I have this conversation often. I did not poop on the table but I had to ask whether or not I did because I had no idea. Maybe because I was so damn hungry and I had no food. Oh and also it was one of my fears so I made sure as soon as my water broke I tried to poop in my own home.

5. MIRRORS: I didn’t have a mirror but I did reach my hand down to feel the head coming out. That was weird. It was furry.

6. TEARING: I tore as well, but again couldn’t feel it. Finally the doctor said, you are already ripped and will need to stitched regardless. Want me to cut you. Me: Yes. The doc literally told Sig other: You have been good so far, don’t watch this, its gonna ruin it for you. He watched anyway and said as soon as the doctor made the cut, the baby literally slid right out. Oh yay.

7. AFTERBIRTH: After delivery people push on your uterus in 15 minute intervals until all the stuff is out of your uterus. This for me was the worst part and I literally was begging them to stop. They did not.

8. STITCHES: Having stitches in your vag is pretty much the worst thing ever. I kicked my friends out when they were visiting me because I couldn’t laugh without my crotch hurting. I think I would have preferred to pee the bed then get up and feel those stitches. Oh as a side note, pee would literally flow out of me because they insisted I have a catheter the night after delivery. Literally stand up and pee would fall out. I had to have someone bring me more black pajama pants.

9. BLEEDING: The bleeding is insane. Like I thought I might die and I was actually thinking what a waste of blood it was, and I was wondering how I even had that much. You know this story….. Bloodclots. Weirdest worst thing ever and also my best friend. It felt so heavy I thought I was giving birth to my placenta again. No it was just a clot the size of a “plum.” It was so horrifying but made me feel so much better. The reason I say its my best friend is because 4 days after I returned home it happened again, this time softball sized. It only could come out (through) the stitches because I was crying so hard I finally shook it out. I mean what the f was I supposed to do??

10. HEMMOROIDS: hemmoroids are disgusting. Someone (sig other) told me to just push them back in. They will never understand.

DIRT-BAGS

I got this email forward about a week ago and can't stop thinking about it.  Read below and you will never want to set your purse down again..... ew. yuck.  icky.

While we may know what's inside our handbags, do you have any idea what's on the outside? Women carry handbags everywhere; from the office to public toilets to the floor of the car. Did you ever stop to think about where your handbag goes during the day.   'On the floor of my car, and in toilets.' 'I put my handbag in grocery shopping carts and on the floor of the toilet,' says another woman. We set out to test the average woman's handbag. It turns out handbags are so surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested them was shocked. Microbiologist says nearly all of the handbags tested were not only high in bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria. Pseudomonas can cause eye infections, staphylococcus aurous can cause serious skin infections, and salmonella and e-coli found on the handbags could make people very sick.  In one sampling, four out of five handbags tested positive for salmonella, and that's not the worst of it. 'There is faecal contamination on the handbags'. People with kids tended to have dirtier handbags than those without, with one exception.  The handbag of one single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the worst contaminations of all. 'Some type of feces, or possibly vomit'.  So the moral of this story is that your handbag won't kill you, but it does have the potential to make you very sick if you keep it on places where you eat. Use hooks to hang your handbag at home and in toilets,and don't put it on your desk, a restaurant table, or on your kitchen countertop. Your handbag has gone where individuals before you have walked, sat, sneezed, coughed, spat, urinated, emptied bowels, etc! Do you really want to bring that home with you?