Saturday, November 21, 2009

END OF LIFE AS I KNOW IT






Ok so if you read Martinis or Diaper Genies, you may know that this is a response the the List of New Mommy things. if you don't read it, check it out here.


Here is a non-comprehensive list of important things I learned giving birth.

1. WATER BREAKING: My water broke at 1:45 on Thursday night/ Friday am. I was pissed. It was 2 weeks early and I was not ready. I started freaking out and then realized this baby was not going to control me. Noe now, not ever. I got up, I showered, I packed my bag. I woke significant other. He didn’t believe me and thought I peed myself. I was like fine whatever then switch sides of the bed with me. He did not. I put a towel down and went back to bed. Oh after I put the laundry in. I woke up at 8 am still pissed off and called the doc. They told me to go the hospital. At this point I am still pissed off and not having contractions. All I can think about is that my house isn’t clean and people are going to be coming to visit when I get home and see how dirty my house is. Also I have to be honest, I couldn’t help thinking my life was over.

2. TOUCHING: I actually don’t even remember who was touching me or who was in the room. Maybe I just didn’t care. I just remember when they checked my water it was so painful I thought there was no way a kid would fit though there.

3. PUSHING: I had an epidural. I didn’t care about pushing I wanted to go to sleep and I wanted everyone to leave me alone. So I just pushed t get them off my back. I was really just hoping I didn’t pop a blood vessel in my eye. When I told my mom this after the fact, she said she had the same concern.

4. POOPING: I have this conversation often. I did not poop on the table but I had to ask whether or not I did because I had no idea. Maybe because I was so damn hungry and I had no food. Oh and also it was one of my fears so I made sure as soon as my water broke I tried to poop in my own home.

5. MIRRORS: I didn’t have a mirror but I did reach my hand down to feel the head coming out. That was weird. It was furry.

6. TEARING: I tore as well, but again couldn’t feel it. Finally the doctor said, you are already ripped and will need to stitched regardless. Want me to cut you. Me: Yes. The doc literally told Sig other: You have been good so far, don’t watch this, its gonna ruin it for you. He watched anyway and said as soon as the doctor made the cut, the baby literally slid right out. Oh yay.

7. AFTERBIRTH: After delivery people push on your uterus in 15 minute intervals until all the stuff is out of your uterus. This for me was the worst part and I literally was begging them to stop. They did not.

8. STITCHES: Having stitches in your vag is pretty much the worst thing ever. I kicked my friends out when they were visiting me because I couldn’t laugh without my crotch hurting. I think I would have preferred to pee the bed then get up and feel those stitches. Oh as a side note, pee would literally flow out of me because they insisted I have a catheter the night after delivery. Literally stand up and pee would fall out. I had to have someone bring me more black pajama pants.

9. BLEEDING: The bleeding is insane. Like I thought I might die and I was actually thinking what a waste of blood it was, and I was wondering how I even had that much. You know this story….. Bloodclots. Weirdest worst thing ever and also my best friend. It felt so heavy I thought I was giving birth to my placenta again. No it was just a clot the size of a “plum.” It was so horrifying but made me feel so much better. The reason I say its my best friend is because 4 days after I returned home it happened again, this time softball sized. It only could come out (through) the stitches because I was crying so hard I finally shook it out. I mean what the f was I supposed to do??

10. HEMMOROIDS: hemmoroids are disgusting. Someone (sig other) told me to just push them back in. They will never understand.

9 comments:

Shandal said...

Hell bloody hell. I went through it twice. Luckily you kind of forget exactly how bad it really was a couple weeks later.

MiMi said...

Found you on MODG!! :)
OMG. This is EXACTLY my list of stuff that happened too. I did that post the other day about being afraid I might poop. I'm SO glad I wasn't the only one to harass the nurse about it after. :)
This is a great list. So freakin' true.

Mrs P said...

Read at MODG but had to come check you out. I am so very terrified of what my life has in store in approx. 2 months... eek.

singedwingangel said...

MODG sent me... I had 32 stitiches with my first and he was natural. ( I already had back issues so no epidural for me lol plus I didn't liek the thought of them screwing up and me being paralyzed or some crap) I didn't poop but bled like a stuck hog... so I can feel ya there.. I had stitches BEYOND my cooch I did not poop for 9 days, I lied to get out of the hospital, note to you don't ever LIE it ai't worth it...

jules said...

Found ya from MODG. OMG, I am NEVER having kids. (I mean, I don't really want that kind of responsibility anyway, but this confirms it!)

Chew said...

I just went through this 5 months ago...cringing as I read it because you forget so fast how bad it was. Which I guess is good and bad. MODG recommened and well worth it:)

Kel and Jame said...

I completely agree that everytime I see my son it was all worth it. And for those of you who are nervous about this.. (i was) the tearing/ ripping/ cutting gets sticthed back up and your lady parts are all back to normal by month 6.

I had a really easy pregnancy and was convinced my labor would be the same. After being on 10 hours of Pitocin (a synthetic hormone) I deserved a present. Luckily the one I got was my son :)

But really if while all this was happening my sig other was holding a something shiny I may have been a little more proactive with the pushing. I think presents are deserved by women for everything so i might be biased. :)

Erin said...

I saw this/you on MODG just now and had to come over to applaud! GREAT POST!!

I'm your newest follower!

Kristin said...

Been there lady, 'roids and all! I might have scared my bestie really bad with my tales of childbirth. Ah ha ha