Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Perfect use of "bahahaha"

I'd like to thank Ashley for this comedic gem.  Jared too, but mostly Ashley.  They dated in college, and when Jared switched teams, they became BFF.  Never do I question that an interaction between them is worth reading...

This past weekend I was asked what in my Facebook etiquette is a good example of why I would use "bahahha" (or some variation) instead of "hahhaha"  I explained that it was different degrees of how funny I thought it was....

Jared was tagged in a photo.

3 hours ago · Comment · Like

Ashley likes this.

Ashley: Further proof of why we didn't work out ...
May 16 at 5:18pm
May 16 at 11:32pm
Ashley: I was thinking 'scary!' Or 'gay!'. Come on Sam, you can't encourage drunk, topless, bead wearing pics! You're enabling him!
May 16 at 11:34pm
Jared: Ashley, you're drawn to my muscles
May 16 at 11:36pm
Jared: Sam, thanks:)
May 16 at 11:36pm
Jared: And just for the record this was the summer the movie the Hulk came out
May 16 at 11:37pm
Ashley: I just threw up in my mouth. If I'm drawn to your muscles, then you're drawn to my boobs
May 16 at 11:38pm
Samantha: HA HA! I am an enabler...He is expressing himself as we have all done when we have had a few too many...Im sticking with HOT...lol
May 16 at 11:43pm
Jared: Again, Sam is my favorite.
May 16 at 11:51pm
Ashley: Gay.
May 16 at 11:54pm
Ana: Ashley, I don't know you, but I think you want Jared's schlong.
Yesterday at 11:36pm
Amy: Do u work out at all??
Yesterday at 11:45pm
Ashley: Bahahahahahahaha. Riiiiiiight. Haha
Yesterday at 11:47pm
Jared: Ashely.. We all know you do
3 hours ago
Jared: Ana- amazing call
3 hours ago

Monday, May 24, 2010

Peep this while you are at work...


My wonderful friend is a fab photographer and also a hilarious person in general.  Sometimes fabulosity goes unnoticed, sometimes it gets over exposed... here at the Batcave we believe any publicity is good publicity.

Prom Boy goes haywire. And I watch the slow wreck...

22 year old Justin Bieber and I talk throughout Sunday and Facebook back and forth.  I notice he became friends with a few other people from the party, we tag each others pictures so on and so forth.  4 days later he is in a relationship on Facebook.  I take this very seriously as facebook is life.  However after reviewing the prom pictures I decide that my little cutie can no way in hell be with this chick unless he’s into beastiality.

Here’s my note to him…

Dear 22 year old,
 You have to be out of your freaking mind, why one earth would you go out with a girl who is 11 years older than you? And right after you met me? What the fuck is that? That makes me feel like I am either an ugly fucking troll, which I am not, or that you have mental problems.

Xox, Bat

So I have continued on to stalking the shit out of these 2 because it provides me with endless entertainment and this story for you guys.  I just about stalk them daily.  Its great.  You would think that they would block me or make that shit private.  But no its free reign for me to find out what freaks these suburbs people are.  I banged this 22 year old in the back of his car after a party.  It was awesome.  We talked the next day.  He friend requested me.  Broke rule number one.  He is so dumb because this 33 year old girl friend requested him, they stayed in touch, they got into a facebook relationship 4 days after hanging out and dating.  Now they are moving in together!!!  In the middle of effing nowhere.

Here is our conversation:

Me: is this relationship stat real?

Bieber 22: yeah it is...

Me: so you have a girlfriend already? and you met her the same night you met me? and its THAT girl in the picture? woah weird BAHAHAHA

Bieber 22: well she like added me after that party i didnt even talk to her there then we just started hanging out it happened kinda fast..

Me:  ok well good luck. i guess call me if it doesn't work out. haha. I'm surprised she doesn't look like your type. Or I guess I am the one who's not your type...

Bieber 22: i dunno we just clicked but i mean who knows what'll happen i'd still like to party or whatever just cant hook up ya know im not a cheater

Me: its cool. whatever. i just think its pretty fucking weird. i'm not trying to get you to cheat i just think people who have awesome sex in the back of cars and end up with a girlfriend they met the same night as me who is obviously completely opposite of me like 4 days later is weird. why bother even asking for my number, you could have left it as it was or at least responded when I was asking if it was real. is she like way older than you?

Me: this is f'in hilarious you are moving in with her now? this is a great story


This is obvs going to lead me into my post about downgrades… and the more you hate me, the more I love me… so feel free to comment..

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Another Craig's List Gem


2 reason why you wouldn't casually encounter me. - m4w
Date: 2009-12-30, 12:51PM
1) I'm 5'5" in height. 
Most women on Craigslist seem to desire a "tall" man. Apparently it's very erotic to use a step ladder when kissing your man. 
2) I'm thin. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to want their men "large", "husky" or "beefy". Sure, I could use clever semantics and refer to myself as "lean",or "atletic" but CLers know how to translate that adjective. 
3) I'm a 6 incher. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to need 7, 8 or 9+ inches. I'm no physician, but wouldn't that rupture some organs that might be needed in the near future? For respiration possibly? Or how about digestion? My totem pole, much like myself, is also thin. Seems to be a thematic part of my body. I'm God's action figure and She's still chuckling... 
4) I have an average body. 
A majority of women on CL are obsessed with "hot", or "built" men. I'm none of those things. I enjoy hiking, skiing and bicylcing, but in the fast-paced, cut-throat world of contemporary media, you either get the job done or give the job to someone else. I love my work...it just doesn't love me back with the same appreciation and desire. Thus, everything on my body works (sometimes too well), it just must be placed under "average". 
5) I'm an average pussy eater. 
Maybe I just can't see the clit while giving oral. Maybe I wander around too much due to A.D.D. Maybe I just need God to provide an owner's manual with step by step instructions that aren't in Arabic. All I know is I try. Oh god do I try. I've come very close (so to speak) to making a woman cum. You know that sound when you're so close to orgasm you can taste it, but he does something stupid and you miss? Hi, how ya doin'? That's me. 
6) I'm losing my hair. 
I'm only 26 and I'm starting to lose my hair. It's now starting to become visible. I can't shave my head like those other "beefy hunky" guys. I have a thin body and a giant head. I'm the real life Mr. Mackey from South Park. 
7) I'm moody. 
I'm also a Gemini. Put that thrilling combination together and you have a roller coaster of emotion that can never find the level part of the track. Kinda like my pussy eating... 
8) I masturbate...a lot. 
Maybe it's spring arriving. Maybe I'm just too slackish to talk to the short-haired brunette who smiled at me today. It's much easier to just grab that image in the photo gallery in my mind and play it back in eight different positions later that night. And in my fantasies, she doesn't have a problem with #1-7... 
9) I'm a self-loather. 
See #1-8. 
10) I'm a daily fantasizer. 
I have met a few women by e-mail on CL who enjoy fantasy as much as I. But when it eventually leads to pushing fantasy into the real world, I panic. My fantasies are so fantastical, so over the top that I could NEVER live up to them. And that just adds to the equation that is #9. 
11) I spend way too much time alone. 
Lonely is more comfortable. Like an old jacket that's torn with age that's just too comfortable to dispose of. So it seems my fantasy life began at an early age. And a lifelong nurse fetish began as well... 
12) I'm addicted to CL. 
I only clicked on "Casual Encounters" a few weeks ago and I'm hooked. I don't post, I don't e-mail...I just browse. I occasionally respond to an ad that doesn't involve numerical statistics or bravado adjectives as the main topic of discussion. Once in a while I hear back. Usually it's to tell me that they can't "deal" with one of the numbers above. That's ok. I understand. 
If you respond to any of this I will assume you are one of the following: 
1) *n dire need of entertainment. 
2) Possess 1 or more of the above traits and wish to share. 
3) Appreciate honesty above one's maladies. 
4) Are a sadist. 
5) Are looking for a subject to compose your master thesis on. 
6) Are bored. 
7) Masturbate just as often. 
8) Are attracted to everything I have listed, but you're currently in a psychiatric ward somewhere where they allow you access to the internet because they figure "well, we've tried everything else". 
9) Are God and wish to apologize...profusely.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Racism + Excercise

You may not find this funny, but I do.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I love you Ryan Scott.

Prom Party - RyanScottPHOTO.com from Ryan Scott on Vimeo.

These are the parties we attend. these are the people we party. And bears, yes bears. We may not have made it to them prom, but we made it to the after party. And we made an impression. And we all know what happens after prom right....

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mitch vs. Chuck Norris?

If you're looking for an anecdote to explain how the new face of MMA differs from the stereotype, consider this: Mitch Kerr had to miss our training photo shoot in order to take the CEO of Home Depot out to dinner.
Kerr, a suit-and-tie guy by day, took a well-traveled path to the world of MMA — he ran out of other challenges. "A couple years out of school I got into triathlons, and then did an Ironman in 2004," he says. "Then I needed something to do."
With endurance sports conquered, he stumbled onto MMA, and soon he was training five days a week. He'll never be a pro fighter — "It doesn't pay as well as my other job" — but he's not getting away from it, either. "I love running a mutual fund and the benefits are great," he says. "But long-term, I'd love to be a 60-year-old guy with a black belt teaching classes somewhere."

To check out the full article see here.

Mitch kicks ass- both literally and figuratively.
by brynne on May 6th 2010 11:27 AM (1 day ago)

There's nothing this guy can't do. He should become Iron Man--industry tycoon and premiere athlete combined.
by Danny on May 6th 2010 11:51 AM (1 day ago)

I hear he's great in bed
by Veronica on May 6th 2010 4:25 PM (1 day ago)

When the Boogie man goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Mitch Kerr.
by Lolita on May 6th 2010 4:35 PM (1 day ago)

I saw Mitch beat up a guy with a starfish..... that guy was me
by Mike on May 6th 2010 4:45 PM (1 day ago)

Fool Mitch once, shame on you. Fool Mitch twice, and he will roundhouse you in the face.
by Holden Milode on May 6th 2010 4:50 PM (1 day ago)

Mitch vs. Chuck Norris?
by DreC on May 6th 2010 5:26 PM (1 day ago)

I hear Superman wears Mitch Kerr Pajamas.
by eric c on May 7th 2010 9:27 AM (13 hours ago)

I hear Superman wears Mitch Kerr Pajamas.
by eric c on May 7th 2010 9:28 AM (13 hours ago)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Taking over Haiti.

FML today.  I want to move somewhere.  Somehwere far away from drama and close to a beach.  I have officially decided to move to Haiti.  My mom had the idea first, said she was going to leave us all and go the Haiti.  When it got hot she realized she wouldn’t be able to handle it there and has replaced her dream world with Alaska.  Well guess what, she can have the Alaskan pipeline and I am taking over Haiti.  Lets back track just a little to my recent convo with D’s Thoughts.  Me: Ask me how long its been since I showered.  D’s Thought:  I don’t even want to know.  Me:  Good, because I have no idea when it was.  D’s thought:  That’s pretty disgusting I am so glad I am not in the car with you right now.  Me:  I am getting ready for Haiti, want to come?  D’s thought:  yes I will sell my house and come with you to Haiti.  For that price I am probably buy my presidency.  Haiti is the poorest country in the Americas, so naturally the cost of 2 houses in Center City will buy Presidency and VP-ency there) Me:  That’s a great idea.  You can be Prez and I will be VP.  We decide to ask Justin (Bieber) to be Secretary of State.  D knows more about JB than even I do.  He goes on the justify that Biebs has fans in the US and in Mexico, is from Canada, hence he should totally be on our cabinet.  Gretadomas wants to be Treasurer but I think we may make her in charge of Homeland Security.
Ok so Haiti is hot and near the beach and we are taking over (aka becoming their government.)  So this plan is pretty much perfect.  First order of business, find out the National Bird of Haiti.  Here are some pictures.  I will call them Fred and Ted.  Second order, make it a law, not a rule that you can not date anyone with the same name as you.  Then, change the national plant to the cannibis sativa plant.  Next, Water fountains or vending machines on every corner, because people are going to get hot and dehydrated.  Bottled water cannot cost over 5 cents each because we all know its only water people!  We’ll get Brita filters.  Maybe they will even donate them.  Sure, why not.  Cell phone reception might be a problem, so we are going to set up a very classy system of tin cans for us all to communicate.  Speaking of communicate it looks like we have to learn French....
At amusement parks they have those little mister things that keep people cool.  We will have them filled with sunscreen so us whities don’t get burnt to a crisp.  And then my life will get better.  So my questions are… how long does it take to get to Haiti?  Do they want promo models at our inaugeration? (that’s a given).  How will they feel about me inviting Beyonce and Gaga to do a public show when I get there.  A welcome show if you will.  Did anyone else notice they have Videophone and Telephone as hit songs right now?  I don’t know how the Haitians will feel about this singing about technology.  Hopefully they get used to it because I am really looking forward to this adventure.
beyonce ft.lady gaga-video phone-yeni | izlesene.com

Friday, May 7, 2010

Funky Chicken Foto Friday

Its late, and we haven't really been posting much good juicy gossipy-ness lately.  But I feel its my duty to share these weird ass  pictures with you all...

It'll  take him four hours to do one hand. He then  photographs it for posterity. I cannot imagine  how he does it, the eyes are so remarkably  lifelike.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Suburbs Girl= Cougar?

I officially live in the suburbs.  With a bunch of people, in a nuthouse.  I used to sit in my cozy little personally decorated office to do work from home.  Now I find myself fighting for signal with the kid who lives behind us (probably surfing the interwebs for porn) and all the out of work housewives googling the items they see for sale on QVC daytime.  So I am on the constant search for my happy Zen workspace.  Where the internet connection is not affected by neighbors or by the weather.  I love Panera, but I always want to spend money and watch people instead of getting my work done. 
So I usually opt for the public library.  You can’t spend money there and there isn’t really anyone fun to watch (besides me).  It’s the same library I used to take my little brothers to, where I studied for my SATs, and LSATS.  It made it even better that I had convinced my mom the night prior to make me a sandwich.  Brown baggin’ it at the library… woohooo.  But you aren’t allowed to have food in there.  But I sneak it and rebel.  Today I realize as I am walking in, in a white tee and black leggings, that I officially could care less what I look like.  I just hope that I put deodorant on and brushed my teeth.  I find myself thinking about wrinkle cream and whether or not my thighs touch when I walk, but I could completely care less that my hair is a frizzy mess, I have not a speck of make-up on and likely am sporting VPLs.  Is this the glory of getting old, or just the fact that living in the burbs means I will see no one who even cares what I (or they) look like. 
After the library I headed for super suburban lunch with Mommy and we met at Burger King.  I was super delighted to see they had wireless internet there and thought this may need to be my new hangout.  We order a few things off the dollar menu and I go up to get ketchup.  “DAMN…”  Ok I must have been hearing things.  There is no way that 15 year old just checked me out.  Oh there it is again.  Yep yep, just got scoped by a youngin.  Much to my own surprise, I was completely uncomfortable with the situation.  Is that really how old Bieber is?  In some messed up way I could be his mother.  (It is physically possible to have a baby at 13!)

I get over it and giggle a little.  My ex’s favorite thing to say to put me down (one of many)… is “Grow Up.”  Other variations include, you are an immature piece of sh**, you are a 12 year old in a grown woman’s body… and my personal favorite…. You and your friends act like a bunch of F*&^ing 16 year old girls.  REALLY???!  Thanks, that’s awesome because my life is way more awesome now than it was at 16.  My face is clear, I have money (sometimes) when I go to the mall, and I still find it completely appropriate to dress as my favorite pop stars. 
So today while sitting in the kitchen at my kitchen table playing JB on iTunes, my 17 year old brother comes out.  He says “Seriously, is that Bieber?” (We’re on a last name basis with him here) and when I say yes he says "Aren’t you embarrassed? That kid is like 14."  "15!"  I correct him.  And then ask him to bring over some of his friends…. Hahaha… adventures in pre-cougardom.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Target vs. Poop

This is a story about Target.  It’s actually a story about poop.  Which one makes you want to read it more?  So today I was in Target, like any other day.  Maybe it was because Zac Posen was there this month.    Every few weeks Target has a designer come in and do their thing for a few weeks.  Right now its Zac Posen, made popular by the ever precious Natalie Portman. Maybe it was because they have awesome 80’s print bathing suits,  and if I am going to wear neon, its going to be on a bathing suit.  I probably just needed dog food but it never hurts to look. 
So I am walking down the isle and I have the worse gas imaginable. Let’s side note here by admitting I have a fear, like a SEVERE fear, of public restrooms.  I barely ever even pee in them.  In my entire life, I had pooped in once 2x.  Ever.  So its gets a little dicey in the aisle and I start to freak out.  I grab my purse and leave my cart and run, literally run, to the bathroom.  At this point I am nervous and sweating and just am praying that its empty.  I make my grand entrance and try frantically to cover the seat with toilet paper.  I literally almost sharted.  I was trying desperately to hold in while I put toilet paper down on the seat.  It was both the worst and the funniest thing that happened to me today.
One night…. a night a long, long time ago, we sat on the back porch on a clear beautiful night.  I wore my new scarf that my tree friend had bought me as a birthday present.  It matched my outfit perfectly.  Us tree friends drank wine until we got silly (more than usual)  and made up for the past 5 months we hadn’t seen each other in.  Just like any other night,  I had the worst gas ever.  I could not help farting and none of the dogs were around to blame.  Instead I decided to blame… Dead Oreo.  Dead Oreo is very sad, but this night we made it something hilarious.  My mom has an iron doorstop that’s a replica of a cute little Boston Terrier we had named Oreo. RIP Oreo.  So I blamed my gas on dead Oreo and we laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  Or farted a few times.  The next logical thing to do was to get in the dryer.  Then as if that wasn’t enough, I wanted to go through the door dog too.  All while holding my wine.  I am, after multi-talented.  From here on out we decided everything was “RUUUUDE.”  There’s some understated batspeak for ya.
I woke up the next day still wearing my scarf.

There are some lessons to be learned here.  *Tar-get is worth the prices.  Check out Zac Posen.  *Better to be in Target’s bathroom than Walmart’s.  *Always blame your gas on your dogs, dead or alive.  *Laugh so hard you cry.  *Stay up all night with good friends.  *Sleeping in your clothes is entirely acceptable.  *Sometimes people are just “RUUUDE.”  *Most important lesson here…. WE ARE AWESOME.

Love, The Bats