Monday, May 3, 2010

Target vs. Poop

This is a story about Target.  It’s actually a story about poop.  Which one makes you want to read it more?  So today I was in Target, like any other day.  Maybe it was because Zac Posen was there this month.    Every few weeks Target has a designer come in and do their thing for a few weeks.  Right now its Zac Posen, made popular by the ever precious Natalie Portman. Maybe it was because they have awesome 80’s print bathing suits,  and if I am going to wear neon, its going to be on a bathing suit.  I probably just needed dog food but it never hurts to look. 
So I am walking down the isle and I have the worse gas imaginable. Let’s side note here by admitting I have a fear, like a SEVERE fear, of public restrooms.  I barely ever even pee in them.  In my entire life, I had pooped in once 2x.  Ever.  So its gets a little dicey in the aisle and I start to freak out.  I grab my purse and leave my cart and run, literally run, to the bathroom.  At this point I am nervous and sweating and just am praying that its empty.  I make my grand entrance and try frantically to cover the seat with toilet paper.  I literally almost sharted.  I was trying desperately to hold in while I put toilet paper down on the seat.  It was both the worst and the funniest thing that happened to me today.
One night…. a night a long, long time ago, we sat on the back porch on a clear beautiful night.  I wore my new scarf that my tree friend had bought me as a birthday present.  It matched my outfit perfectly.  Us tree friends drank wine until we got silly (more than usual)  and made up for the past 5 months we hadn’t seen each other in.  Just like any other night,  I had the worst gas ever.  I could not help farting and none of the dogs were around to blame.  Instead I decided to blame… Dead Oreo.  Dead Oreo is very sad, but this night we made it something hilarious.  My mom has an iron doorstop that’s a replica of a cute little Boston Terrier we had named Oreo. RIP Oreo.  So I blamed my gas on dead Oreo and we laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  Or farted a few times.  The next logical thing to do was to get in the dryer.  Then as if that wasn’t enough, I wanted to go through the door dog too.  All while holding my wine.  I am, after multi-talented.  From here on out we decided everything was “RUUUUDE.”  There’s some understated batspeak for ya.
I woke up the next day still wearing my scarf.

There are some lessons to be learned here.  *Tar-get is worth the prices.  Check out Zac Posen.  *Better to be in Target’s bathroom than Walmart’s.  *Always blame your gas on your dogs, dead or alive.  *Laugh so hard you cry.  *Stay up all night with good friends.  *Sleeping in your clothes is entirely acceptable.  *Sometimes people are just “RUUUDE.”  *Most important lesson here…. WE ARE AWESOME.

Love, The Bats