Thursday, December 17, 2009


The McNuggetini....... anyone?? This is apparently some new drink that has been made up and is trying to make its way into our stomachs. Vom. Ingredients: Part McDonald's chocolate shake, and part chicken McNugget. Seriously, this is not one of my delusions I am trying to push on you. This is an actual real life thing. Oh, and wait! They garnish your glass with an actual McNugget just in case there isn't enough of the meat taste in your drink. The glass is also rimmed with barbecue sauce. Thirsty yet? I was already feeling nauseated toady after accidentally seeing a birthing story on TV, and now this. Thank you universe. My stomach is now finding it's way into my throat. Off the to the toilet now. Enjoy your lunches.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Today we have another guest blogger gracing our presence.  A big bloggery welcome to FOX.  We know a lot of our ladies out there can relate to this post, and if they can't they probably will be able to in the future.  I date a douche bag denial"......  And just a quick side note, this chick is hot and a local D-List celebrity.  This dude is an idiot.

Okay. We have all dated “that guy” you know, the one NONE of your friends like- but he is tolerated…. The one who you’ve cried about so often that when you go on an hour long bitch fest your friend on the other end of the phone zones out and watches TV – only to give the occasional, “uh huh”- “it’ll be okay”- all while thinking- shut up- move on- you know the sex isn’t even that great/ or worth this emotional terror.

Well here is my open letter to you- guy I should not have ever never ever dated:

Dear Ex boyfriend:

IT IS OVER. It’s been over. Sending me text messages that say “Good bye forever you beautiful disaster” or “ you’re nothing but a high class attention seeking whore” followed by “Your going to end up just as crazy as your mom” don’t exactly make me long for the days that we were the couple at the bar screaming at each other- remember when I was the drunk girl crying hysterically and you could care less?? And what was the fight about- oh pick the issue- you stood me up for a date- no call, no show- and I’m resentful- or perhaps the fact that you cheated on me with a not-so-attractive, slightly over weight girl- and when I find out and get her number out of your phone- because YES I was SO in LOVE with you that I looked through your phone and found dirty fucking nasty text messages about how wet you make her -groooosssss- but that wasn’t good enough for me- I had to be the Psycho girlfriend and call her to confirm you are in deed a cheater and you did cheat. After a 5-minute totally bizarre convo when this lady tells me how/where etc you hooked up (and she had NO idea you had a girlfriend) and I call you devastated- what do you do?? You say you SWEAR you never hooked up with her- the text messages were a “joke” she is fat and ugly and you would NEVER cheat on me with her. And me being exceptionally pathetic twist that into an acceptable lie/ truth I want to believe- justify that the holidays are right around the corner- and don’t break up with you. AHH.  And the bottled up resentment grows.  

So needless to say, after over 6 months of emotional healing- I nicely request you move on. Return the “engagement ring” you claim to have purchased (you know, the one you told me about AFTER we broke up)- stop with the nice then mean then nice texting- because the nice stuff tricks me into missing you and the mean stuff hurts my feelings. Do I think you are a terrible person? No. Do I think that our relationship turned me temporarily insane? Yes. And can you have your hoodie back? No. I want a parting gift. I leave you with this: the cliché, yet appropriate, “It’s called a break up because it’s broken.” Enough said.


(Editor’s note: this sounds crazy - consider this tale a minor 2 ½ year lapse in judgment and a strong warning for any woman out there who may suffering from a similar case of major “I date a douche bag denial”)

Friday, December 11, 2009


After sharing my side of the detailed birthing story and all that came with it, I thought our lovely readers might enjoy hearing the Dad's side of the gig. Welcome our first guest blogger, J. Enjoy.

A story from the other end!

We all know people that either have kids or have had kids at some point. Hell, none of us would be here if that wasn’t the case. A lot of what we hear about the whole process is usually from the women’s perspective, so I’m going to give all of you dedicated readers a story from the other end. The eagerly waiting Dad to be!

So, we were due any now. I was sleeping much like most normal people do at late hours of the night, when I was aroused from my slumber.“ Baby! I think that my water just broke.” I looked over at my Lovely, and she’s standing on the side of the bed pointing to the mattress. What I saw in my post nocturnal haze was a small wet spot. When you think about a woman telling you that her water just broke, pictures of Niagra Falls or huge puddles of water spring to mind, so I replied, “ Maybe you wet the bed.” She didn’t think that was too funny, so I said that maybe it was the dog. Strike two! I asked if she was having contractions and she said no. She called her mom and her mother asked her if she was having any contractions, which she replied no. Her mom didn’t seem to have much cause for alarm and we had a doctor’s appointment that morning anyway so back to sleep we go. It’s 6am and we’re up. My Lovely calls her doctor just to ask some questions about last nights incident. Well, needless to say, the Doctor instructed her to get to the hospital right away! Damn! I was really rooting for the bed wetting at this point. Today was the day. We’re off! Once we got to the hospital it was a lot of waiting around, so I’m going to skip to the parts where things really start kicking off. They had to induce my Lovely with putosin to speed the contractions along. Let me tell you, my girl is a freaking champ! She went for almost 4 hours of hardcore contractions before finally submitting to getting an epidural. God bless her, man! So, after the epidural, she passed out for a little bit and I went to go chill in the waiting room with my mom. I spent a couple of hours playing brick breaker on my Blackberry and made a couple of phone calls. I started to doze off when all of a sudden the nurse comes and tells me that my Lovely is ready to start pushing! I leapt from the couch in the waiting room, kissed my Mom and was off to see my baby come into the world.

Now, I went through all of the birthing classes and thought that I was prepared for what was next. WRONG!!! I came into the birthing room and it was like something out of ER.

My Lovely was propped up on the bed, legs in stirrups with beads of sweat trickling from her brow. I’ve seen her like this on many occasions. Those occasions are what got us into this exact situation to begin with. So, one of the nurses quickly provides me with some surgical gloves and a gown. I was a little confused about this at first, because all of the videos that they show you in the birthing classes, the man is dressed in his normal gear. Let’s just say those videos were useless. Back to the story! My Lovely is pushing and I’m instructed to hold one of her legs back, while her Mom was holding the other. She was pushing for about thirty minutes before the baby started to crown. Now, up to that point, I was thinking, this is a piece of cake. I’ve been up close and personal with more vagina than most fat people have had hot meals, but there is nothing that can prepare you for seeing something coming out of one. More importantly, the one that has been your own personal pleasure center. Now, I was instructed to look away and look into my Lovely’s eyes and keep encouraging her to keep up the good work, which I was doing, but at the same time, it’s like watching an accident happen. You just can’t help yourself! My Lovely keeps herself well manicured in the neither regions, so when I saw what looked like a Chia Pet trying to pop out of my Lovely’s nana, the panic set in! At this point the doctor comes in and he’s cool as could be. He quickly takes my mind off of the fact that my lady’s nana is under attack from our baby to be. This is the only time I think that I would ever be ok with another man touching my Lovely’s Vag. Now, my Lovely is a pretty petit female so there was a little problem getting the little bugger out of her. She was pushing with all of her might and the little one pretty much only had the top of the head exposed. It was pretty crazy seeing this dark tuft of hair in the middle of my Lovely’s nana. I’ve never really seen a full on bush before. So it was weird to see one only in the….well, you get it. The doctor was a little concerned about the lack of progress and said that he’ll let her try and push for another couple of minutes but if the baby doesn’t come out any further, he would need to cut her. What?? This is not what any man wants to hear. All that I can hear at this point is the sound of my voice screaming NOOO, inside of my head. I hear the Doctor ask my Lovely if she wants to touch the baby’s head. Which totally bugged snapped me out of my head. As I see her feel around and touch the baby’s head, I quickly asked if I could too. It didn’t really feel like anything because I had gloves on, but it was pretty cool all the same. After that brief moment of rest from trying to push a baseball through a key hole and feeling the baby head, My Lovely tried one final salvo to get the little bugger out. No Luck! The doctor tells me that he’s going to have to cut her and that I should look the other way. Needless to say, I didn’t listen. I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life so, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss a thing. The doctor puts his hand out and asks for his 10 blade just like on the TV shows and does his damage. After this, I remember the doctor turning around and taking his gloves off and having a drink of water. I turn back to see if there was any progress with the little one and all of a sudden, the little bugger is sliding out of my Lovely like a kid going down the water slide. I quickly tell the doctor that the baby is coming out and he tells me that I better catch it before it hits the floor! Now, the gloves begin to make sense. I get into my best catchers position and help my little one out of the womb. I was extremely tempted to look back and see what kind of carnage was done to my Lovely’s nana, but I was way to distracted by the fact that I was holding my slimmey little boy for the first time. The nurses quickly took him from me and got him all wrapped up and gave him to Mama. After being in labor for such a long time, I’ve never imagined that I would see her glow the way that she did when she held our little boy for the first time. I was really moved by this.

It’s been a little over a year since this magical night and my little guy is the most amazing person that I’ve ever met and my Lovely and I are loving every minute of it. Just a little side note for all of you Dad’s to be. Don’t worry about your lady’s nana, it’ll be back to the way you liked it sooner than you think and if your lady does need to be cut, ask for the Daddy stitch, it’s no extra charge!

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Ok friends Christmas is right around the corner and no Cheap Thrills is not the name of our new girl band (but it could be). As most of you know one of the Bats' besties does an excellent job marketing for Urban Outfitters. This is not only a list of gifts I would like, but a tribute to her...

Wire Shelf $36
Tree (love) Pillowcase Set $28
Little Birch Necklace Stand $28
Vase/ Candle Holder $20
Tree Jewelry Stand SALE $19.99
WTWTA Soundtrack!! Arcade Fire $19.00
Doll Head Candle Holder $18
Photo Frame $18
Lip Venom (for Angelina Jolie lips, also available at Sephora) $16
Beaker Vase Set (for your inner science nerd) $14
Stud Earrings $14
Hair Powder (who washes it daily anyway??) $10

WTWTA Coloring Book $5

ENJOY the endless possibilties!!!


I have a severe case of the Bah Humbugs this year. I am stressed out and broke, and out of ideas. If I had two more months it would be perfect... in the meantime, this makes me happy that not everyone is taking the holidays so serious...

Fantastic. Greg sends along this DIY FYI:
"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down. 

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. 

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I don't know what it is about these people, but I cannot get enough.  Hoarders.  Yes, the crazies who keep everything in life, and have it build up into unlivable conditions. It all started with the new A&E show about them.  I love watching these people, and seeing the crazy world that they live in.  I just want to get in their heads for a minute and sort through all of their delusions.   My fave part is when they cameras first enter the houses and reveal the piles and piles of shit.  And sometimes it is literally shit.  It is so sad and amazing at the same time.  After my first encounter with the show, I couldn't stop thinking about these people.  I quickly turned to Google and researched some of the most infamous hoarders. I then wrote the names down, went home and searched my instant Netflix for hoarding documentaries.  Found! 

 "Grey Gardens"-Documentary pioneers the Maysles brothers (Gimme Shelter) capture poignant moments in the lives of Edith Bouvier Beale (Big Edie) and her middle-aged daughter, Little Edie -- relatives of Jackie O -- at their decaying estate, Grey Gardens. The ladies shut out their bleak present by recalling richer times and lost loves, and while Little Edie confides that she'd like to leave, the camera captures a co-dependency destined to continue.
   These women were bat ass crazy, had some major style for back in the day, and I couldn't stop watching.  They had raccoons living with them in the bedroom, and cats all over the place.  Ewww.  It was def entertaining to watch, but gave me the sads too.  But still, the obsession is in full swing.  I will be spending a significant time watching and reading about Hoarders.  They fascinate me to no end.  If you have time, check out the show on A&E, Mondays at 10/9 Central.  Love it.


I have a severe addiction to shopping.  Every time I walk outside of my house into the real world I see things I want to buy.  I can find things at any event I go to that I want/ need/ have to have.  I stopped reading magazines because it was sheer torture.  I find its best to trade clothes and accessories with friends as often as possible, and fill up numerous online shopping bags, only to never buy the stuff and watch as it gradually goes out of stock as I miserably check it every day with out buying.  Sads.

This past week was no exception.  I was the proud co-sponsor of a Daddy Yankee CD release and listening party.  My self, and my co-worker were the only 2 blondes out of a few thousand people at a concert venue in my city.  This is no lie.  These Latinas didn’t even have dyed blonde.  They were hardcore.  But boy, do they know shoes.  I saw oh so many cute heels this night.  Why was I looking at everyone’s shoes you wonder?  That’s what I do.  I observe everything.  I watch for fashion trends that I do not find while sitting in my office/ bedroom/ basement/ batcave.  The Daddy Yankee event was a big success and I really enjoyed people freaking out over the “kid” who sings Gasolina.  He looks about 17 in his aviators, and is supposedly around 40.  Luckily I looked him up on Wikipedia before I went so I knew who he was.

Another “event” I attended was unfortunately the funeral for the sister of a good friend.  I know it may be inappropriate, but for anyone who knew this girl, I think she would appreciate the fact that her funeral was basically a fashion show.  #1 trend:  patterned black tights.  Award of the day:  all black, black v neck wrap sweater, black pencil skirt, black patterned tights, pink suede shoes (again with the shoe obsession).  I had to run out early the very next morning after Daddy Yankee so I was as exhausted and didn’t have much time to get ready.  I opted for a grey cotton pencil skirt with a black top, black knee high leather boots and a patterned scarf.  Which brings me to trend #2:  patterned scarves.  The perfect accessory for very all black outfit, whether at a funeral or not.  Why am I taking special interest in this funeral fashion?  That’s easy!! I am obsessed with black clothing and this was pretty much the Mecca of black clothes.  I love to call them my “blacks” and I lay them all out at night before I go out and carefully select which all black outfit I will wear that night.  Trend # 3: sunglasses, particularly aviators.  These chicks looked like wannabee rock stars.  Or like they were about to attend Lady Gaga’s concert.  The sunglasses hid the sobs but what I saw was shopping opportunity.  Yellow sweaters with black high boots with sunglasses shaped like stars.  Serious belts, and tons of Betseyville bags.  Hillary would have been proud!

 Anyway I should never leave the house if I want to stay in budget.  Clothes make me so happy.  My newest addiction.  Wal-Mart.  That’s right, that poppy prissy princess Miley has graced the sales racks of Wal-Mart with tons of attire to fulfill your preteen turned adult wardrobes.  Don’t be ashamed people.  Embrace the cheapness that is Wal-Mart.  If need be, you can go and act like you are there to pick up some household items and sneak through the juniors department on your way to the register.  We totally understand.  Happy shopping everyone!


I have a hair appointment coming up.... here is my inspiration! I am open to all approving comments and general positive feedback. Thanks.

My feedback is I love it. I think it totally ooks like you. I want to outifts. please find them and share. Thanks, Tree Friend

Friday, December 4, 2009


So mother nature has decided she hates me today. Let me just tell you that I absolutely despise temperatures below 65 degrees. Cold weather is pure torture to my soul. I would rather sweat my face off than freeze my nips off any day. You can imagine my state of mind while living in Boston for 3 years with their 9 months of cold ass, miserable temperatures. Well, moving back to Texas solved that problem.... so I thought. Forecast for today: SNOW-LOW OF 29 degrees. Seriously? Why? Go away cold front, and leave me in peace. I hate you. Texas doesn't want you here. Go back to the Northeast. Die. And why does this have to happen on a Friday? And to make matters worse, I have some major plans going down tomorrow morning involving standing in line for an hour outdoors. I know this sounds crazy, but it is the Grand Opening of the brand spanking new, 2 story Forever 21, and they are handing out gift cards to the first 200 people in line. On a positive note, the freezing temps should weed out the impostors from the true crazy people like myself. Dedication people. I took part in one of these grand openings in October and walked away with a $50 gift card and 20% my entire purchase. Well worth fighting off 300 twenty-something chicks at 10am on a Saturday morning. So, this will repeat itself come Saturday, but this time all of us crazies will be standing in 30 degree weather. Thanks Mother Nature. Now I must go to my closet and try to find some sort of outfit that will both shield me from the elements and also make me look hot. Wish me luck today blog world.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Today is definitely an "I'm in a funk day."  I can't motivate myself to do anything productive.  This happens every once in a while to the tree friends.  We call this The Sads.  When we have the Sads we like to Skype.  This way we can just share in the misery.  And on a day like today, the Skype-ing calls for dark glasses to emphasize the level of the Sads.  Here is our current Skype conversation...

K: You look like a mom.

J: Thanks glasses MaGee.

K: Hey, I'm depressed.  I need dark glasses on.

J: I'm depressed!

K: Well then put on some glasses.

We are now Skyp-ing and sporting Sads glasses in our living rooms and talking about funeral attire.  A typical day all in all.  So style tip of the day... Black shades are the perfect accessory for depression, especially when worn indoors.  Plus a pair of black shades are always hot.  Always.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


In honor of Cyber Monday, I bought myself some goodies. I see a few themes here. Tops. Black and white, patterns. What do you think??


WE know i love the facebook posts. Here is a real friend from college. She is hilarious. Apparently her friends are too. Check out below.....

Ashley XXXX Real women aren't afraid to snuggle large polar bear stuffed animals on planes and trains. (His name is Tubby)

Yesterday at 9:44am · ·
Stanley Hoobaman
Stanley Hoobaman
tubby was the nickname of my ex wife.
Yesterday at 5:25pm
Jennifer Ayma-Hoobaman
Jxxxx xxxx-Hoobaman
you're an ass clown, stan and i can't wait to get rid of this stupid last name! btw, i have lost 7 lbs since I got rid of you!
Yesterday at 5:27pm
Stanley Hoobaman
Stanley Hoobaman
Got rid of me? I dumped your fat ass.
Yesterday at 5:28pm
Ashley Ballani
Ashley xxxxx
Whoa, whoa .... fight nice!!!
Yesterday at 5:36pm
Jennifer Ayma-Hoobaman
Jxxxx xxxx-Hoobaman
stan, remember when i would always tell you that your premature ejaculation problem wasn't a know i was totally kidding right? HUGE problem.
Yesterday at 6:00pm