Friday, December 11, 2009


After sharing my side of the detailed birthing story and all that came with it, I thought our lovely readers might enjoy hearing the Dad's side of the gig. Welcome our first guest blogger, J. Enjoy.

A story from the other end!

We all know people that either have kids or have had kids at some point. Hell, none of us would be here if that wasn’t the case. A lot of what we hear about the whole process is usually from the women’s perspective, so I’m going to give all of you dedicated readers a story from the other end. The eagerly waiting Dad to be!

So, we were due any now. I was sleeping much like most normal people do at late hours of the night, when I was aroused from my slumber.“ Baby! I think that my water just broke.” I looked over at my Lovely, and she’s standing on the side of the bed pointing to the mattress. What I saw in my post nocturnal haze was a small wet spot. When you think about a woman telling you that her water just broke, pictures of Niagra Falls or huge puddles of water spring to mind, so I replied, “ Maybe you wet the bed.” She didn’t think that was too funny, so I said that maybe it was the dog. Strike two! I asked if she was having contractions and she said no. She called her mom and her mother asked her if she was having any contractions, which she replied no. Her mom didn’t seem to have much cause for alarm and we had a doctor’s appointment that morning anyway so back to sleep we go. It’s 6am and we’re up. My Lovely calls her doctor just to ask some questions about last nights incident. Well, needless to say, the Doctor instructed her to get to the hospital right away! Damn! I was really rooting for the bed wetting at this point. Today was the day. We’re off! Once we got to the hospital it was a lot of waiting around, so I’m going to skip to the parts where things really start kicking off. They had to induce my Lovely with putosin to speed the contractions along. Let me tell you, my girl is a freaking champ! She went for almost 4 hours of hardcore contractions before finally submitting to getting an epidural. God bless her, man! So, after the epidural, she passed out for a little bit and I went to go chill in the waiting room with my mom. I spent a couple of hours playing brick breaker on my Blackberry and made a couple of phone calls. I started to doze off when all of a sudden the nurse comes and tells me that my Lovely is ready to start pushing! I leapt from the couch in the waiting room, kissed my Mom and was off to see my baby come into the world.

Now, I went through all of the birthing classes and thought that I was prepared for what was next. WRONG!!! I came into the birthing room and it was like something out of ER.

My Lovely was propped up on the bed, legs in stirrups with beads of sweat trickling from her brow. I’ve seen her like this on many occasions. Those occasions are what got us into this exact situation to begin with. So, one of the nurses quickly provides me with some surgical gloves and a gown. I was a little confused about this at first, because all of the videos that they show you in the birthing classes, the man is dressed in his normal gear. Let’s just say those videos were useless. Back to the story! My Lovely is pushing and I’m instructed to hold one of her legs back, while her Mom was holding the other. She was pushing for about thirty minutes before the baby started to crown. Now, up to that point, I was thinking, this is a piece of cake. I’ve been up close and personal with more vagina than most fat people have had hot meals, but there is nothing that can prepare you for seeing something coming out of one. More importantly, the one that has been your own personal pleasure center. Now, I was instructed to look away and look into my Lovely’s eyes and keep encouraging her to keep up the good work, which I was doing, but at the same time, it’s like watching an accident happen. You just can’t help yourself! My Lovely keeps herself well manicured in the neither regions, so when I saw what looked like a Chia Pet trying to pop out of my Lovely’s nana, the panic set in! At this point the doctor comes in and he’s cool as could be. He quickly takes my mind off of the fact that my lady’s nana is under attack from our baby to be. This is the only time I think that I would ever be ok with another man touching my Lovely’s Vag. Now, my Lovely is a pretty petit female so there was a little problem getting the little bugger out of her. She was pushing with all of her might and the little one pretty much only had the top of the head exposed. It was pretty crazy seeing this dark tuft of hair in the middle of my Lovely’s nana. I’ve never really seen a full on bush before. So it was weird to see one only in the….well, you get it. The doctor was a little concerned about the lack of progress and said that he’ll let her try and push for another couple of minutes but if the baby doesn’t come out any further, he would need to cut her. What?? This is not what any man wants to hear. All that I can hear at this point is the sound of my voice screaming NOOO, inside of my head. I hear the Doctor ask my Lovely if she wants to touch the baby’s head. Which totally bugged snapped me out of my head. As I see her feel around and touch the baby’s head, I quickly asked if I could too. It didn’t really feel like anything because I had gloves on, but it was pretty cool all the same. After that brief moment of rest from trying to push a baseball through a key hole and feeling the baby head, My Lovely tried one final salvo to get the little bugger out. No Luck! The doctor tells me that he’s going to have to cut her and that I should look the other way. Needless to say, I didn’t listen. I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life so, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss a thing. The doctor puts his hand out and asks for his 10 blade just like on the TV shows and does his damage. After this, I remember the doctor turning around and taking his gloves off and having a drink of water. I turn back to see if there was any progress with the little one and all of a sudden, the little bugger is sliding out of my Lovely like a kid going down the water slide. I quickly tell the doctor that the baby is coming out and he tells me that I better catch it before it hits the floor! Now, the gloves begin to make sense. I get into my best catchers position and help my little one out of the womb. I was extremely tempted to look back and see what kind of carnage was done to my Lovely’s nana, but I was way to distracted by the fact that I was holding my slimmey little boy for the first time. The nurses quickly took him from me and got him all wrapped up and gave him to Mama. After being in labor for such a long time, I’ve never imagined that I would see her glow the way that she did when she held our little boy for the first time. I was really moved by this.

It’s been a little over a year since this magical night and my little guy is the most amazing person that I’ve ever met and my Lovely and I are loving every minute of it. Just a little side note for all of you Dad’s to be. Don’t worry about your lady’s nana, it’ll be back to the way you liked it sooner than you think and if your lady does need to be cut, ask for the Daddy stitch, it’s no extra charge!


Organic Meatbag said...

*sobbing*... why tug at my heart strings?? Whyyyyy???

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I have to admit, the end made my heart of ice mildly defrost

jessalyn said...

other than the crossing of my legs very tightly while reading this, i think i went "awwwwwwwwww" like 100 times.....

Kel and Jame said...

totally not what i was going for!! I wanted gross not sappy.