Prom Boy goes haywire. And I watch the slow wreck...

22 year old Justin Bieber and I talk throughout Sunday and Facebook back and forth.  I notice he became friends with a few other people from the party, we tag each others pictures so on and so forth.  4 days later he is in a relationship on Facebook.  I take this very seriously as facebook is life.  However after reviewing the prom pictures I decide that my little cutie can no way in hell be with this chick unless he’s into beastiality.

Here’s my note to him…

Dear 22 year old,

 You have to be out of your freaking mind, why one earth would you go out with a girl who is 11 years older than you? And right after you met me? What the fuck is that? That makes me feel like I am either an ugly fucking troll, which I am not, or that you have mental problems.

Xox, Bat

So I have continued on to stalking the shit out of these 2 because it provides me with endless entertainment and this story for you guys.  I just about stalk them daily.  Its great.  You would think that they would block me or make that shit private.  But no its free reign for me to find out what freaks these suburbs people are.  I banged this 22 year old in the back of his car after a party.  It was awesome.  We talked the next day.  He friend requested me.  Broke rule number one.  He is so dumb because this 33 year old girl friend requested him, they stayed in touch, they got into a facebook relationship 4 days after hanging out and dating.  Now they are moving in together!!!  In the middle of effing nowhere.

Here is our conversation:

Me: is this relationship stat real?

Bieber 22: yeah it is...

Me: so you have a girlfriend already? and you met her the same night you met me? and its THAT girl in the picture? woah weird BAHAHAHA

Bieber 22: well she like added me after that party i didnt even talk to her there then we just started hanging out it happened kinda fast..

Me:  ok well good luck. i guess call me if it doesn't work out. haha. I'm surprised she doesn't look like your type. Or I guess I am the one who's not your type...

Bieber 22: i dunno we just clicked but i mean who knows what'll happen i'd still like to party or whatever just cant hook up ya know im not a cheater

Me: its cool. whatever. i just think its pretty fucking weird. i'm not trying to get you to cheat i just think people who have awesome sex in the back of cars and end up with a girlfriend they met the same night as me who is obviously completely opposite of me like 4 days later is weird. why bother even asking for my number, you could have left it as it was or at least responded when I was asking if it was real. is she like way older than you?

Me: this is f'in hilarious you are moving in with her now? this is a great story

OK SO MY QUESTION IS.... WOULD YOU RATHER....

This is obvs going to lead me into my post about downgrades… and the more you hate me, the more I love me… so feel free to comment..

Another Craig's List Gem

READ THIS ONLY IF YOU WANT TO BE STRAIGHT ENTERTAINED.  PEOPLE ARE SO WEIRD.  BUT WEIRDOS MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND....

2 reason why you wouldn't casually encounter me. - m4w

Date: 2009-12-30, 12:51PM

1) I'm 5'5" in height. 
Most women on Craigslist seem to desire a "tall" man. Apparently it's very erotic to use a step ladder when kissing your man. 
2) I'm thin. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to want their men "large", "husky" or "beefy". Sure, I could use clever semantics and refer to myself as "lean",or "atletic" but CLers know how to translate that adjective. 
3) I'm a 6 incher. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to need 7, 8 or 9+ inches. I'm no physician, but wouldn't that rupture some organs that might be needed in the near future? For respiration possibly? Or how about digestion? My totem pole, much like myself, is also thin. Seems to be a thematic part of my body. I'm God's action figure and She's still chuckling... 
4) I have an average body. 
A majority of women on CL are obsessed with "hot", or "built" men. I'm none of those things. I enjoy hiking, skiing and bicylcing, but in the fast-paced, cut-throat world of contemporary media, you either get the job done or give the job to someone else. I love my work...it just doesn't love me back with the same appreciation and desire. Thus, everything on my body works (sometimes too well), it just must be placed under "average". 
5) I'm an average pussy eater. 
Maybe I just can't see the clit while giving oral. Maybe I wander around too much due to A.D.D. Maybe I just need God to provide an owner's manual with step by step instructions that aren't in Arabic. All I know is I try. Oh god do I try. I've come very close (so to speak) to making a woman cum. You know that sound when you're so close to orgasm you can taste it, but he does something stupid and you miss? Hi, how ya doin'? That's me. 
6) I'm losing my hair. 
I'm only 26 and I'm starting to lose my hair. It's now starting to become visible. I can't shave my head like those other "beefy hunky" guys. I have a thin body and a giant head. I'm the real life Mr. Mackey from South Park. 
7) I'm moody. 
I'm also a Gemini. Put that thrilling combination together and you have a roller coaster of emotion that can never find the level part of the track. Kinda like my pussy eating... 
8) I masturbate...a lot. 
Maybe it's spring arriving. Maybe I'm just too slackish to talk to the short-haired brunette who smiled at me today. It's much easier to just grab that image in the photo gallery in my mind and play it back in eight different positions later that night. And in my fantasies, she doesn't have a problem with #1-7... 
9) I'm a self-loather. 
See #1-8. 
10) I'm a daily fantasizer. 
I have met a few women by e-mail on CL who enjoy fantasy as much as I. But when it eventually leads to pushing fantasy into the real world, I panic. My fantasies are so fantastical, so over the top that I could NEVER live up to them. And that just adds to the equation that is #9. 
11) I spend way too much time alone. 
Lonely is more comfortable. Like an old jacket that's torn with age that's just too comfortable to dispose of. So it seems my fantasy life began at an early age. And a lifelong nurse fetish began as well... 
12) I'm addicted to CL. 
I only clicked on "Casual Encounters" a few weeks ago and I'm hooked. I don't post, I don't e-mail...I just browse. I occasionally respond to an ad that doesn't involve numerical statistics or bravado adjectives as the main topic of discussion. Once in a while I hear back. Usually it's to tell me that they can't "deal" with one of the numbers above. That's ok. I understand. 
If you respond to any of this I will assume you are one of the following: 
1) *n dire need of entertainment. 
2) Possess 1 or more of the above traits and wish to share. 
3) Appreciate honesty above one's maladies. 
4) Are a sadist. 
5) Are looking for a subject to compose your master thesis on. 
6) Are bored. 
7) Masturbate just as often. 
8) Are attracted to everything I have listed, but you're currently in a psychiatric ward somewhere where they allow you access to the internet because they figure "well, we've tried everything else". 
9) Are God and wish to apologize...profusely.

You need our help.

For all of you reading chicks' personal ads out there, beware.  Here's a useful reference guide.

Sometimes your neighbors fight.

Once upon a time, I heard my neighbors fighting….

So I was awakened a couple times tonight to hear my neighbor and a lady. First talking then dancing and then to hear her tearing him apart. She said that he was fat and over weight, she would never f**k him because he could barely move, ripped into him about his cat being fat, also something about him being too agreeable. I'm thinking this whole time, if u feel this way about him why did u go home with him and stay @ his house to 4:30 in the am? THEN as I'm thinking he needs to smack this b***h I hear her fall down his stairs and he's like “you ok?” Small “yes.” Then its quiet, I'm secretly hoping she broke her leg, he cut off her air supply and is digging a shallow grave in the basement for this evil woman. Then she leaves and he yells down the road "get out b***h."

So you think that's the end? F*** no. He gets a call and I hear him say to come back.  He goes outside and he's directing her back. I of course jump from my bed because I got to see this train wreck.  She is dressed in dark form fitting cloths, heeled boots I'm guessing, and dark hair shoulder length and thin. She grabs whatever she forgot from him ( a book I believe) and leaves. My neighbor calls to her to get home safe and text him when she arrives. Then I guess he throws a bottle towards the recycling or in her direction, whichever it was she storms back saying your going to throw a bottle at a woman?? Then I heard something about wanting to fight him. Then how she doesn't have time. (hahaha) And he's like I don't know what your talking about. She turns to leave again. And he calls out to walk home safe, text me, I wish you well, I wanna kiss you, I wanna kiss your stomach, I wish you well, b***h! I was loving how he stayed true to his nice roots, really wished he would of called her a G. D. Skank in the midst because her mouth was that trashy. Who needs a TV if you live in this neighborhood? 

Snookin' for Wings.

If there’s something with Snooki and hot sauce happening in my city, you know I need to write about it.

The bars opened at 7 am and people were drunk and passing out by 11am. It was 90% dudes and could have been called the Sausage Bowl.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of things I saw by 3pm.  Keep in mind this was not at the actually Wing Bowl, this was at a bar celebrating it.  And I was working…

1.     Straws in the ladies room toilet.

2.     A guy, late twenties, passed out standing up.  With lots of mardi gras beads

3.     A guy, late forties, passed out on the floor in his own vomit.

4.     Random 30 year olds making out on the dance floor.

5.     Lots of blacked-out wastedness and being escorted out.

I asked some Wing Bowl VIPs who showed up at the bar if they saw Snooki.  They said “yes, we gave her a Philly welcome and boo’ed the shit out of her.”  Typical.  Then I got yelled out for asking about her and told she was a “pig.”  Well guess what??  That "pig" turned down $400k to pose nude in Playboy because she didnt want her family to see her naked.  (WTF???) J-Woww, on the other hand, agreed to $200k.  That’s my girl.

Catch up with Perez on the latest Snooki gossip here.  Philly dramz included. And her new bf pics are up.

You can Snooki-Yourself at MTV.com

And here's how much snow is in Philly.... the Snooki-Meter!

PUSSERIFIC

I got a letter (email) from a friend today, and naturally felt the need to share it with all our lovely readers. It’s disgusting. And completely hilarious… She works at Lush, a totally awesome all natural product store….

So this girl comes in to my store yesterday and well, how do I put this? Umm...her skin was so scary I couldn't look.... I instantly tried to think up excuses to go to the back room. I run through the list of excuses and realize I have none. They had already been used up for the day. As I begin to panic I decide I will go talk to her and focus on her eyes so that maybe I don't notice her stomach churning broken out skin. Maybe I will get lucky and she won’t want any help and will just dismiss me so I can go stare at the pretty soaps near by.

SO...I approach and start with "Hi, how are you doing today (staring at her eyes)", she replies "I need help with facial cleansers"....FUCK! SHE NEEDS HELP and now I have to look at her skin!!! I try not to look like I just threw up in my mouth.... and say "Ok, what is your skin type like?" and she replies

"Umm, I’m kind of break out prone and my skin is oily." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.... your face looks like Mount Vesuvius is growing all over it and it is so shiny there is a glare from the store lights bouncing off your face that is blinding me.

I explain which facial cleansers she should use and am thankful I can look at the cleansers instead of the white heads all over her face....Hello? You have fingernails...use them to pop that shit!!!! You know I love a good zit but OMG, these were a species of zit I had never seen before...and they terrified me. I tried to picture my favorite zip popping to calm myself, you know, the curly Q ones? But suddenly my fave zit popping turned into a nightmare as I pictured her massive ones popping and hitting me in the eye causing immediate blindness.... it was awful.

She then tells me maybe her skin isn't oily and asks if I can touch it and tell her! I froze. TOUCH IT?? REALLY? My heart started to race and my super nice and helpful work persona began to crumble.... all I could think was "Touch you? I will have to chop off my own hand if I do that.... I wouldn't touch your face with a rubber glove on.... you touch it if you want someone to touch it...your face is a mess, do u wash it with shit?" I refrain once again and say "it looks a bit on the oily side like you said and I don't want to get dirt on your skin."

Needless to say, she bought what I suggested.... I’m permanently scarred with the image of my hand on her face covered in puss and black heads.... my love of popping curly Q zits is forever tainted.... she ruined one of my favorite things.

Speaking of pimple popping parties…Last night I was in the car with this girl and she was talking about popping her cat’s blackheads.

OH. EM. GEE.

I plugged my ears and tied my hood around my face, I wanted to vomit. We all know I love a good zit pop as well and my personal faves are the ones that erupt and splat on the mirror but really, A CAT???!! And where exactly does a cat get blackheads? VOM. Big time.

BURN BABY BURN

Tons of people had a shitty 2009. My friends and I were no exception. Out with the old and in with the new, right? When out’s not enough, fire is. We had a bonfire and burned away all of the problems of 2009. Ex’s, bad jobs, bad people, you name it, we burnt it. (Note: burning fabric makes ash snow)

The fire was built in a firepit on a deck. It was blazing large enough for the Urban Outfitter to see it from her house. Almost. All was going great and all the evidence was destroyed.

Next thing you know, a dude in alley a few houses away starts yelling "yo!" Sasha replies: "yo!" and thinks its just some random begging for a cheesburger. Dude in alley yells up and asks what we are burning. Dude: "what are you burning?!" Sasha: "wood!" Dude in alley: "why?!" Sasha: "cause its cold out!" Dude in alley: "put it out now!" Sasha: "why?!" Dude in alley: "because if you don't well bring a hose through your house and do it for you!!!" yep that’s right, the fire department came. OOPS! Burn= SUCCESS!!!

MISSED CONNECTIONS

I was recently introduced to “missed connections” on Craigslist. This shit is funny. I try to convince my tree friend that every one is me. Most of them are so vague it doesn’t sound far off. …. Like…. Saw short girl at bar, I think you saw me too. Are you kidding me? I get it if you talk to someone and don’t get their number, want to give it one last short or something random like. For sanity's sake I am only reading and posting about men seeking women. Here’s a few found I found of particular interest. Are these people for real?

Walnut between 8th and 9th - m4w (Walnut St)

Date: 2010-01-11, 5:03PM EST

We were walking in opposite directions at some point between 4:15 and 4:30 PM today. As we passed, we exchanged a smile.

You're extremely cute. If you happen to read CL maybe we can chat?

Are you f’in kidding me? Someone smiled at you? I smile at homeless people. Don’t post a missed connection over that.

Walking on Walnut St - m4w (1:45 PM Around 15th St)

Date: 2010-01-12, 2:44PM EST

I was walking east on Walnut (ummmm, toward the Delaware river). You were heading west and when you passed me, we caught eyes for a few seconds, I hate to stare but that's what we both did. You smiled, I clammed up like a typical guy! DAMN! Oh well, you were sorta short, I didn't notice what you were wearing as I could not get past your smile. I know you will never see this, but at least the whole cyber world now knows how hot you are!

Signed,

A Stunned pedestrian

Sorta short? Wtf? What does that even mean? I give this one points for entertaiment value at least!

can i get help from anyone - m4w

Date: 2010-01-11, 11:15PM EST

i ve recently seemingly destroyed a relationship….. BLAH BLAH SKIP THIS

that i've wanted for years and ended up with it for about five weeks the story is complicated and a little long to put on here. basically there was talk in the neighborhood that she was being shady and i acted on it. but she wasn't. after several near break ups we finally started getting back to where we were. then i did something really messed up yesterday and now she is saying its over. this is someone i've been friends with for a long time before this happened. we both fell in love very quickly once this started. we were already talking about children and marriage even though we knew it was a couple years off. can anyone offer any advice as to how to get her back?

READ HERE….i'm devastated without her

Dude first off, get some spell check and get off Craigslist. Secondly, you don’t have a mom, a sister, a friend, anyone who you can talk to, that’s terrible. Or maybe its just a joke, scam or drunk post (11:15pm??)?

Ok so this may be entertaining enough to keep its spot on the bookmarks bar with Texts from Last Night. Only time will tell….

ADVENTURES IN SALAD TOSSING

For your reading enjoying we have a guest post today from the Salad Bitch. She brings us daily insight into the wonderful world of tossing salads on the regular. And yesterday, she just may have had her worst customer yet....

Customer of the Year (so far, anyway)

Here's to starting the year out with a doozie. So much for my resolution to be more tolerant... A customer came in today and ordered two wraps. She was probably in her mid-sixties, 50 lbs overweight, frizzy brown hair that had two inch gray roots, and polyester pants. She was someone who likes to make everyone around her miserable, especially people whom she feels she can bully- like people who make her food (bad idea). To save time and speed up the line, I decided to make her wraps together in the same bowl. She looks at me with disgust, cocks her head, and says, "You aren't making them together are you?" I obviously said yes ,but visibly annoyed, ask her if she wants me to separate them. "Yes. Please separate them. I want to make sure you're giving us an equal and fair enough amount of food. It's for my boss and I." I separate them, tell her “don’t worry- I’m the owner- I was just going to double the recipe to make two. You’re GETTING ENOUGH FOOD”. She gave me this shitty look, obviously didn't believe me, and stuck her face over the sneeze guard analyzing every movement I make, shaking her head all the while. My blood was boiling "Is this OKAY with you, or should I start over?" I glared at her. The woman behind her in line choked back a laugh.... She rolled her eyes, "Well, I GUESS I'll take it like that. I want to make sure you give us enough chicken because we are starting our diets today and don't want to feel hungry later this afternoon." Wait you crotchety old bitch, isn't that what a diet is all about?! And also, a buffalo chicken caesar wrap is not exactly the wisest choice when trying to lose weight. Good luck with that! I didn’t cut the wraps in half because so she’d have trouble eating them and look like an ASS in front of her boss. And then she paid with a giftcard.....

I hate the general public.

MANDY MOORE WOULD BE ASHAMED...

The Blonde Bandit works at a store which sells "candy flavored" products.  Its Lush, like face wash and stuff so don't get all pervy on me.  Anyway they were having a Halloween sale on all Candy products and were told to "dress like candy."  How the F do you dress like candy?  Apparently this is how....

Nice work on the stealth mode picture.  However, my only thought is after seeing this I am never eating candy again.  Happy trick-or-treating?