The Blue Gum Incident.

(Also know as The girl who got blue gum stuck in her pubes.)

I can’t chew Winterfresh gum. I don’t even like to look at it. It skeeves me out because I cant think about blue gum without thinking about it being stuck in Penny Piper’s pubes. Obviusoly the name is made up to protect the guilty. I will never forget this story from back a few years ago. (Nor will I ever look at Winterfresh gum the same way.) A good friend of mine had this roommate. She was a cool enough girl but not always the nicest. So truth be told, the legend of the blue gum is quite possibly the best thing she has going for her. Said girl was hooking up with this guy, as all of us do in New England. *

Anyway… girl and guy must have fallen asleep while he was going down on her.** LOL on its own…. Before the blue gum even takes its starring role. She woke up in the morning, in her roommates bed nonetheless, with blue gum all smattered in her pubes. It was enough of a mess that she had to cut it out. Who even has enough pubes to cut these days? And whose scissors did she use? Did she end up with a bald spot? Did she dispose of the scissors or disinfect them? Best part of the story, she says “the weird thing is it was my gum.”

She ended up running to said gum chewer and decided to give things another go round. Bad move on her part, she ended up kicking him out after he tried to have sex with her while she still had her underwear on. My first reaction was “that had to hurt.“ I just keep imagining this frumpy girl with her frumpy hair in her frump Boston sweatshirt, with blue gum in her pubes. What a great story, but what’s then last time anyone actually had pubes? I remember shaving them in my college dorm shower freshman year and never looking back. Here’s to hoping she cleaned up since then.

*{It’s too damn cold to sleep alone. And the bars, the lovely delicious bars with their lovely delicious drinks. Yes, we all got very very drunk. Especially in the winters. It was this, or succumb to wearing brown turtleneck sweaters with jeans and flat brown shoes. I chose this drunkenness, and did so in my slutty college variety of black polyester tanks in a plethora of shapes and sizes from Forever 21. With jeans and black boots. Because EVERYONE in Boston wears jeans. And Northface fleeces. }

**{Sidenote: I had a boyfriend fall asleep while we were having sex in college. Bad idea. I gave this fair-haired kid the best/ worst hickey of all time, and the day before a family function at that. Bastard deserved it, and I was forever known a“the girlfriend who gave the ridiculous hickey. “}

People are rude.

Let’s imagine a person who is very rude.

You work at Wawa.  The graveyard shift.  They f’ing make you stay and do inventory all night.  Yeah, like counting lunchmeat and shit. So, you don’t get home til 4:30am.  What the eff is that?  not fun at all!! Ugh, too early for coffee, too late for fun,  as you are thinking, just get me the eff home I need my bed and sleepy time and loves and huggies and kissies from my man piece.  I arrive home to find Rudy’s car still parked in our paid for spot...so, despite having a car full of shit to unload...I have to park out on the street...inconvenience #1. So I go park and walk inside. I walk in and Man piece is on the couch and Rudy is no where in sight. More annoyed....I ask where she is bc she is in my spot.

At this point, I am effing exhausted...I am at that freaking point where I just need to go to bed.  Nothing else.  GIVE ME MY BED. Man Piece informs me she got shit faced at the bar and recently got up off the couch where she was passed out and moved into our bed!!! He thought she went to the bathroom but she never came back. So I have nowhere to sleep...more annoyed!  Bitch will go down.  Right down to china town.  In an attempt to calm my nerves, so I open a beer and sit down on the couch...an hour later I'm done...I must sleep and she has to move back to the couch.

Man Piece is ready for bed too... so he tries waking her up. She refuses to get up and keeps trying to pull covers over herself. She is making no sense and insists she is getting up. 10 mins later I have had enough. I tell Man Piece to turn on the light and then say " Rudy..this isn't your house...move to the couch, u r in our bed." All hell breaks loose as she flies out the bed and screams at us for being rude. She storms out the house furious.

She is psycho

I'm rude? Your drunk ass is in my parking spot, and in my bed refusing to move. But yeah, I'm rude for asking/telling u to move to the couch at 2am.

U wanna sleep in my bed? U better be my size so we all fit.

The end.

By, Annoyed

PS... She texted on her way home she won't come out with us tonight because we are rude...no skin off my back!

Stomach Shooters

We had a suggestion from a faithful reader.  To talk about “stomach shooters.”  Now that’s some batspeak for ya.  Keep reading to get more details on this special breed….  “And I say the blog should have an upcoming story about letting guys know that us girls need to be fore-warned before they explode on our stomach….”

And so unfolds a story of guys who sadly enough, “sneak attacks with jizz.”

My first experience with this was in college.  In a dorm room no less.  I already had my own apartment, but was already honing in on my cougar skills and decided to make the trek back to dorm world for some fun with the hot boy.  Now I thought he was really hot.  Apparently hot enough to ignore the fact that he was acting like we were in a porn and he insisted on jerking off next to me instead of actually hooking up with me.  At some point I finally realized he was more into himself then he was into me.  I probably should have left to test my theory but shit, I was already there so why not stick around to see how it ended.  Well let’s just say it ended with a very unsatifying pile on my stomach.  By now I can’t even remember if he cleaned it up, or if I did, I only remember thinking WTF.  And what a waste.  Why did we not just have sex?  Why instead did he have sex with himself and land his unborn babies on my stomach?  Isn’t that what condoms are for?  Or a combo of birth control and pulling out?  (it was college here, give me a break).

So a few of us girls were sitting in the student union building one day and his name comes up.  I of course feel the strong need to tell everyone about what had happened on our “romantic evening.”  I quickly recover by saying  “OMG guys! Don't tell anyone I told you about this poor boy! 

Later that day he IMed me this morning during class and was all, "I hope you said all good things about me!" I was all, "Ummmm, yeah!"   As it turns out, he had also IMed one of my friends that day and simply said "yooo". She did not feel that such a tactless IM required a response.  He also invited her to his apartment party, too. I told her she should bring a towel...Poor guy.  But on the bright side, he didn't sneak attack my mouth with jizz.... (some might say….I know I don't need those empty wasted calories!)  I however would suffice to say that at least it would make your skin clear up.  But from a random, no thanks.

So he will forever be remembered as the “Stomach Shooter.”  We may even start “Goober Tuesdays” in his honor…. Thoughts?

Breakfast Appetizers

A few years ago, while living in Boston, my friend and I had another crazy night.

We went to a bar where we were completely out of place.  We asked the bartender to make us red-headed sluts.  He made them as drinks instead of shots.  We drank them anyway.  We wanted sausage.  Apparently in more ways then one.  We go to the sausage cart to get sausage.  (This is common in Boston, and delicious) I don’t think we had money.  If we did, I guess we didn’t want to spend it.  Because I flashed the dude and got us some free sausage.  And not like that. 

Well at least not till later.  We both lived in the city.  We could have taken a cab home.  I guess we felt it was a better idea to go meet these cute guys across Quincy Market and go home with them.  I’m pretty sure I made mine come pee with me on the steps somewhere, and my friend was dumping her bottled water on hers.  Obviously these were 2 desirable qualities in girls because they took us back with them.  We drive with them outside of the city to their place.  I think the guy had a cat and sold pottery for a living.  My friend had sex with her dude on the patio, I think she got concrete burn. he was really funny and had to get up early in the morning to play in a golf tournament.

My dude took the two of us to breakfast in the morning before he took us home.  (Granted she stayed in touch with hers, I did not.) We were starving.  Starving so much that we wanted appetizers for breakfast.  We proceeded to ask the bartender why there were not apps for breakfast.  He brought us a bowl of oatmeal.  Appetizer for breakfast.  Sounds like a great idea.  I love brunch and am always hungry.  I always want breakfast appetizers.  Today in NYC there was whole section of the menu devoted to it.  Awesome.  

Drinking Cities.

Drinking.  It causes problems.  But so much fun.  

Men’s Health ranked the drunkest cities, which compiled the lists below based the number of DUI arrests, number of DUI related fatal crashes, frequency of binge drinking, deaths related to alcohol liver disease, and the severity of drunk driving laws.

The "most drunk" cities in America:

1. Fresno, CA


2. Reno, NV


3. Billings, MT 


4. Riverside, CA


5. Austin, TX 


And the "least drunk" cities:

1. Boston, MA 


2. Yonkers, N.Y.


3. Rochester, N.Y.


4. Salt Lake City, UT

There you have it! To see how your city scored, click here. 

I'm a Lush.

One of my favorite people works at Lush and has turned a bunch of us on to some really cool products that I find myself talking about all the time… So here’s a ton of info (probably more than you need to know) about some cool stuff… it’s broken down by category for easy reading.  Check out the guy’s section for V-Day ideas (or anti-V-Day)…. Bats’ notes are in Blue…

All about Lush…

         Lush carries an array of bath and shower products. They have everything you could possibly need from head to toe (including hair care and skin care.) Everything is hand made (and have these really cool little labels that tell you who made in and when.  So if anything is wrong you can go after them with a vengeance J) and contains natural and fresh ingredients.....everything is vegetarian. There are also many vegan products, which means they do not contain any animal byproducts. What makes some of the items not vegan and just vegetarian you ask? Well, some of our products contain ingredients such as honey and many vegans consider that to be an animal byproduct.

             At Lush, we are animal LOVERS. Therefore, none of our products are tested on animals.  Anything we do get from animals such as honey is sourced ethically; we have very high standards for our suppliers and keep a close watch to ensure no animals are harmed or mistreated.  If we believe a supplier is unethical, we stop using them even if that means a product has to stop being made. We donate to many charities and even have a body lotion called "Charity Pot," all of the lids have different charities on them and when you purchase a pot, 100% of the proceeds go to the charity on the lid.

            Besides sourcing our ingredients ethically, we also believe in saving the environment.  All of our black pots are made from 100% recycled plastic, and we recycle them for you if you bring them back into our stores. Also, all of our bags are made from recycled paper.

What are your favorite Lush products?

1) Ocean Salt (face & body scrub) - this is by far my number one; I have oily skin and use this every day on my face. It has fine and course ocean salt that exfoliates, avocado and coconut that add moisture, lime that brightens the skin, and rice vodka which acts as an astringent. You can use it on your whole body! It tastes salty in a good way.  Like you were just at the beach.  It makes you feel like you are washing away the dirty, in whatever regard that may be. Sea salt scrub is so addicting, I crave this stuff.  Like for real, I am like oh I can’t wait to wash my face today.  The large ones are $32 and the small ones are $19.  Get the big one, trust me.  This stuff is gonna make you feel better, and look better.  I swear.

2) Dream Cream - fabulous body moisturizer! Very gentle, really good for everyone, even those with super sensitive skin. Helps with eczema. It has oat milk and chamomile flower in it. A little goes a very long way and it makes my skin really soft!

3) Buffy - god bless Buffy! You use this in the shower; it is a body butter with a shea and cocoa butter base. It has ground almonds, ground aduki beans, and rice in it, which exfoliate your skin. While you exfoliate, it leaves behind the shea and cocoa butter so when you get out of the shower, you already have some moisturizer on!  Be careful with this stuff, it works awesome but don’t scrub too hard, luckily Lush Lady had warned me about this before I used it.  Margarita was not so lucky, she was sitting next to me at the bar and looked like a cat had attacked her.  But I use this the day before I spray tan (with ocean salt right before) and it really makes me feel like my tan holds well.  It also makes your bathroom smell awesome.  And I don’t have a ton of time to moisturize so it’s a time saver too.

What kind of baby/kid stuff do they have?

- I have many customers with younger children who have used Lush on them since birth...but I’m no child expert and certainly wouldn't claim to be!! These are two that I would recommend and I know parents have used from a very young age...

1) Ickle baby angel & devil - this is a bath bomb (fizz). It is very soothing for kids, it has chamomile, sandalwood, and lavender in it. You drop it in the water, and it fizzes out.  It is great for before bedtime, as it will put your kids to sleep!

(Ickle Baby Devil & Angel)

2) Honey I Washed The Kids soap - this is an amazing body soap...one of the top sellers! IT IS AWESOME! My Dad is in love with the stuff, and I send it to him in large amounts. It has honey, aloe, bergamot (natural antidepressant), and sweet orange oil in it. It is creamy and moisturizing and it smells so good you will want to eat it! Honey is also an anti-fungal so it really makes you clean!

3) Dream Cream body moisturizer – super gentle, made by Lush founder for his son who had eczema (see my top 3).

Kids love all the bath bombs, and the bubble bars (our solid bubble bath). All of them are safe for children. Since our products are so natural and fresh, they are safe for all ages. 

On a side note, but related, we carry a great massage bar called "Therapy" for expecting mothers. A massage bar basically is a moisturizer in the solid form...they all have a shea and cocoa butter base. As you rub them on your body, your body heat releases the ingredients onto the skin. "Therapy" helps to reduce stretch marks as well as any scars. It is 100% organic and has lavender, and neroli in it along with some other ingredients.

(Therapy) *Guilty Pleasure as described by Lush* :)

What’s the best product to get for a guy?

- Shave The Planet Gift ($29.95)  - includes Shave the Planet shave cream, Bamboo soap, Cosmetic Lad facial moisturizer, Business Time Massage Bar. There is also a 15% off coupon inside that can be used on your next purchase….these coupons can only be found in the wrapped gifts! There are 4 different shaving creams guys can choose from based on their stubble – Shave The Planet, Razorantium, Prince, and Ambrosia.

- Freeze Shower Gel – the is my husbands personal all time favorite….the only problem is that it is a Retro item which means it is only available online! He requests it all the time to the point I order him two 500ml bottles every time he starts to run low! But it really is fabulous!! It is a really cooling shower gel and I must admit, I love it too!

- Also, Happy Hippy shower gel is another guy favorite as well as one of my husbands favorites…it is very citrusy. It has pink grapefruit, lemons, and limes. I also love it…so it is good for both men and women. Citrus helps take off dead skin cells and brighten the skin tone. You can also use it as a shampoo (makes hair shine)…so great for travel, you only need to bring one bottle and you can wash your hair and body with it! It is available in stores.

Retro Products: can only be found online!! They are products that have been discontinued but brought back by popular demand!

-I love Freeze Shower Gel and Sonic Death Monkey Shower Gel (my husband uses both)

-Ginger Lotion is AMAZING!  My husband loves the smell of it on me but he wouldn’t use it himself.

-Go to www.lush.com for retro info

Enzymiotic cream- when I use it my face smells kind of lotiony and kind of chocalate-ly in a good way. It covers well with makeup so I use it in the morning.

Sympathy for the skin- this winter has been brutal on my skin and for some reason, ever since I had the babe, my skin has been super dry.  Also it’s probably because after 2 days of no heat I have been pumping it to assure that I make up for those 2 days… I use this at night and it really helps my skin feel less dry.

Tea tree toner- its cool and refreshing…It has tea tree in it which is an antibacterial, so it helps prevent and cure break outs. It is also in our spot treatment called "Grease Lightning" which will zap your zit in no time flat...my hubs is in love with it as am I! Toner sets a base for your moisturizer. Your skin is like a sponge and when it is wet, it absorbs everything it comes into contact with. So, when you apply toner followed by moisturizer, your face is able to absorb all the moisturizer and get the most out of it. It also means you have to use less moisturizer at a time and therefore, your moisturizer last longer too! It also helps to tone and brighten the skin as it has juniper berry and grapefruit in it. It is really good for normal to oily skin. The reason your face doesn't feel tight afterward is because there is no alcohol in it, alcohol is really harsh and not good for the skin, and it is very drying.

All skincare regimes should include a cleanser, toner, and moisturizer. I have found if I feel greasy towards the end of the day and don't have time to wash my face and reapply my make up I can spritz my toner on over my make up and I feel less oily in no time!

Are there any tricks you should know?

-Bring in 5 empty and clean black pots to a lush store and you get a FREE fresh facemask!

-Buy 2 massage bars and get 1 free tin to store it in

-Buy 2 solid shampoos and get 1 free tin

 (Seanik Solid Shampoo) (Godiva Solid Shampoo)

-Buy 2 body butters (ex. Buffy) and get 1 free tin

-Sign up at your local store for the lush list email and catalog….you only get one email a month with what is going on in your local store. We have a lot of really really great promotions and events where you can get fab goody bags! The catalog is great and comes out once every season…has all the products in it. You can check off what you want and bring it to the store to make shopping easier!

-Always remember to ask for a sample when you check out if they don’t give you one…if they don’t have any…ask for one of something that interests you. It is a great way to try out a moisturizer, shampoo, conditioner, etc. They have sample pots that they can fill for you with any liquid.

-Ask for the hand treatment….it lets you try all of my 3 favorites (ocean salt, Buffy, dream cream) as well as the famous lemony flutter cuticle butter I mentioned below!! Your hands will feel amazing!

Anything else?

I could go on and on and on about Lush, it is truly a great company and one I am proud to work for.  The products are amazing and work wonders. The hair care and skin care lines are my favorite parts of the store along with the shower gels! I’m not really a bath taker. If you go to your local Lush, they will give you a consultation and recommend products based on your hair and skin types…don’t be afraid to ask! If the person is stupid, ask me and I will be happy to help you or anyone out! (Email us and we’ll pass it along… or post as comment)  our store is ranked #1 in the country for our customer service; we really pride ourselves on our product knowledge.

            Going to a Lush for the first time can be very intimidating…and overwhelming as everything is so different! Look online before you visit and write down a few things you would like to see (do not write down retro products)! It will help you to have a direction…when I first went to a Lush 4 years ago; I started with skin care because I was having problems. Once I got my skin care taken care of, I moved to hair care and from there to well, everything! Also, if you don’t know how something works, ask….we demo everything in the store for you!   Also, you can look on youtube.com and look up Lush product demos…we have videos on there!  While some items may be priced a little high, a little goes a LONG way with all of our products so they will last you! I used Lush for a few years before I worked there and EVEN IF I DIDN’T WORK AT LUSH, I WOULD STILL USE LUSH PRODUCTS!

Snookin' for Wings.

If there’s something with Snooki and hot sauce happening in my city, you know I need to write about it.

The bars opened at 7 am and people were drunk and passing out by 11am. It was 90% dudes and could have been called the Sausage Bowl.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of things I saw by 3pm.  Keep in mind this was not at the actually Wing Bowl, this was at a bar celebrating it.  And I was working…

1.     Straws in the ladies room toilet.

2.     A guy, late twenties, passed out standing up.  With lots of mardi gras beads

3.     A guy, late forties, passed out on the floor in his own vomit.

4.     Random 30 year olds making out on the dance floor.

5.     Lots of blacked-out wastedness and being escorted out.

I asked some Wing Bowl VIPs who showed up at the bar if they saw Snooki.  They said “yes, we gave her a Philly welcome and boo’ed the shit out of her.”  Typical.  Then I got yelled out for asking about her and told she was a “pig.”  Well guess what??  That "pig" turned down $400k to pose nude in Playboy because she didnt want her family to see her naked.  (WTF???) J-Woww, on the other hand, agreed to $200k.  That’s my girl.

Catch up with Perez on the latest Snooki gossip here.  Philly dramz included. And her new bf pics are up.

You can Snooki-Yourself at MTV.com

And here's how much snow is in Philly.... the Snooki-Meter!