Stomach Shooters

We had a suggestion from a faithful reader.  To talk about “stomach shooters.”  Now that’s some batspeak for ya.  Keep reading to get more details on this special breed….  “And I say the blog should have an upcoming story about letting guys know that us girls need to be fore-warned before they explode on our stomach….”

And so unfolds a story of guys who sadly enough, “sneak attacks with jizz.”

My first experience with this was in college.  In a dorm room no less.  I already had my own apartment, but was already honing in on my cougar skills and decided to make the trek back to dorm world for some fun with the hot boy.  Now I thought he was really hot.  Apparently hot enough to ignore the fact that he was acting like we were in a porn and he insisted on jerking off next to me instead of actually hooking up with me.  At some point I finally realized he was more into himself then he was into me.  I probably should have left to test my theory but shit, I was already there so why not stick around to see how it ended.  Well let’s just say it ended with a very unsatifying pile on my stomach.  By now I can’t even remember if he cleaned it up, or if I did, I only remember thinking WTF.  And what a waste.  Why did we not just have sex?  Why instead did he have sex with himself and land his unborn babies on my stomach?  Isn’t that what condoms are for?  Or a combo of birth control and pulling out?  (it was college here, give me a break).

So a few of us girls were sitting in the student union building one day and his name comes up.  I of course feel the strong need to tell everyone about what had happened on our “romantic evening.”  I quickly recover by saying  “OMG guys! Don't tell anyone I told you about this poor boy! 

Later that day he IMed me this morning during class and was all, "I hope you said all good things about me!" I was all, "Ummmm, yeah!"   As it turns out, he had also IMed one of my friends that day and simply said "yooo". She did not feel that such a tactless IM required a response.  He also invited her to his apartment party, too. I told her she should bring a towel...Poor guy.  But on the bright side, he didn't sneak attack my mouth with jizz.... (some might say….I know I don't need those empty wasted calories!)  I however would suffice to say that at least it would make your skin clear up.  But from a random, no thanks.

So he will forever be remembered as the “Stomach Shooter.”  We may even start “Goober Tuesdays” in his honor…. Thoughts?

WEASEL WEDNESDAY: YOU BETTER COMMENT EDITION

Ok so WW is late today.  First off, I had alot of work and second off I am being whiney little brat.  Actually, we both are.  This is because we want you to pay attention to us.  SO FOLLOW US.  That means click on the little box on the right hand side that says follow us.  To us, it feels like when you see the little red bubble on Facebook. (You know you love it.)  COMMENT.  Right underneath there is a comment box.  Tell us what you think and for crikey's sake PLEASE put your weasels in there.  You guys have all these awesome stories and you know we can't tell them quite as well as you can.  If you want to be anonymous, thats cool.  JUST COMMENT.  Or we will make you wait for 9pm every Weasel Wednesday and take away your allowance. ...

- If he misses his friends wedding and blames it on you… 

- If he asks why are you texting me..... (p.s. the answer to this is because I am deleting you)

- If he has a sub-woofer under his bed....

If you barely know him (as in have hooked up a few times) and he name drops your dad as a reference to get a job…

.....You know he’s a weasel....

You know you're a weasel if year after year you keep going back and forth between same two girls off and on....

Latest weasel-move... He was dating Girl # 2 and practically living at her parents house with her & they were oh so in love. One day, just got up and literally left her parents place. Few days later, he's "staying" with Girl # 1. Weeks pass, and he ends up going back to Girl # 2. Of course, pathetic as she is, she gives in and takes him back. About a month later, she then finds out he was "staying" with Girl # 1 and of course f*cked her.  The damn weasel lied to poor, ole Girl # 2 that whole time. (secretly, she deserved it!) 

Weasel-ette style....  So there's this weasel-ette. She's been around the block once, twice...maybe even three times! She sleeps with my man and then the next day messages me on Facebook and asks, 'Where was I and says she misses me. Also to call her in a few days, she lost all her numbers."  I'm not surprised by this weasel-ettes moves... she even has gross, big weasel teeth to top it off....

Picture this Weasel Scenario...

Your friend hooks you up with this older guy, (as in around 40).  He seems sweet and nice and you think things went fine after you guys spent a romantic evening together. He then tells your friend if you lose 10 pounds you will be girlfriend material. (Keep in mind I am in no way fat a this time, but how can I be as small as his 5'3 ass?) Then he heads off to Aspen with another girl the night after.  And when I say girl, I mean young enough to be his daughter.  While in Aspen with this gerbil*, he calls you constantly like he's actually NOT with someone on the trip.  He comes to your birthday party which is great, but tells his ex girlfriend about it and she comes to scope you out and create all sorts of drama. To please you, he has his friend slip 500 dollars to you, and then looks at you with a shit eating grin all night like he did a great thing by making you feel like a dirty prostitute!

The only reason this one didn’t make Weasel of the Week, is because she got $500 out of it :)

Weasel of the Week:

- If he bugs you for months to come and visit him and stay with him… and fails to tell you he has a (ugly) girlfriend…

“We of course had been hooking up for a few years at this point but never exclusive. SO...I drive my hot self a good few hours for the weekend of fun ...on Friday night he takes me to super nice dinner, and we go out to some nice bars, then we head back to his place. Saturday rolls around...we spend the day together doing what we do best...watching movies and chillin’ on the couch that is... (haha, chillin, I know what that means) Then Saturday night comes along and he takes me to another really nice dinner and then to a dive bar by his campus where his buddy is a bartender. After a while, I realize he keeps going from me to this other chick so I ask his buddy behind the bar who the ugly chick is. And he replies "that's his girlfriend." GIRLFRIEND?! I drove all the way here and you take me out with your girlfriend...AND she is ugly?! Fuck NO...I instantly order a water and start chugging...needless to say I drove my half drunk ass back home that night (3.5 Hours)....he tried to convince me to stay by telling me she thought I was sleeping on the couch....I didn't tell her, I figured she had enough problems with being ugly and all....

WEASEL ADVICE:
You’re man’s a weasel if he only texts you Sunday night to hang out on Mondays. Mondays are for whores and silent bjs. Tuesdays and Wednesday are for girls you're semi into, but would never have kids with. Thursdays are for your work bitches.  Fridays and Saturdays are for you starting line-up. But if you're a Friday or Saturday girl, don't get too excited.  You may just be a substitute because some players in the starting line up could be away on vacation, injured due to their monthly visit from aunt flow, etc. 

Now tell me that doesn't make you want to go buy some Juicy Couture underwear to keep track of what day it is...

Total Death Star

So in Batspeak a death star is anyone who becomes more famous or recognized after they die.  The goal is obvs to become "Phamous" but if that doesn't happen we will be happy to be a death star.  I have already instructed my tree friend to grab my computer and immediately publish everything if i die because that will def make me super fame monster important, and although I will be dead, at least my efforts will have been recognized.

The alternate definition for death star in batspeak would be to really emphasize a feeling or emotion.  Like I am death star miserable today.

Anyway, its no secret our love of fashion and weirdness here at the Batcave and Alexander McQueen is one of our all time favorite designers.  I mean Lady GaGa agrees with us so we must be right.

I was thrilled to sign on Coco Perez today and see that McQueen's line's profits have gone up 1400%.  Way to go AQ!  Make that $$, death star.

Much Love,
Bats

Midnight Creepers.

Today I would like to talk to you a little about Midnight Creepers.  A Midnight Creeper is anyone who tries to hook up with someone else in the middle up the night by unexpectedly “creeping” on their unsuspecting victims.  The best way to deal with a Midnight Creeper is to roll over and go back to sleep.

In the wise words of Elton John….

“Well there's no more sleeping

When I'm midnight creeping over you

Watch out honey, watch out honey

Watch the things you do”