Butt Pirate

First off, let me tell you that this man is the most high-strung, touchy, insecure yet self-absorbed, pretentious dick on the planet. He is the type of guy who would jump all over me because the tone of my text messages was not friendly enough. I guess he means I don't use faggy emoticons, exclamation points, triple dots (to infer being coy), and upbeat embellished language to signify that I'm SO EXCITED TO TEXT HIM!! Sorry- I like to stick to my 160 characters and get my fucking point across- that doesn't mean i hate your guts.

He was also the kind of guy who would scour Phillymag.com, phillychitchat.com, and other fake Philly papparazzi websites to see if he made the pictures. These websites were created to make ordinary losers feel important. There is no such thing as a "Philly Celebrity", and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Needless to say, this guy felt he was one and probably spent half the day googling himself.  If he did come across a picture of himself, he'd text me "Do I look alright? Does this picture make me look fat? Don't I look pale next to that guy?" The whole time I'd be thinking, "gold jacket, green jacket- who gives a shit?". There is nothing sexy about an insecure man, especially one that likes to look at pictures of himself online- like a highschool chick who takes pictures of herself pretending to be hardcore by flashing the sideways peace sign. If I didn't respond in a nice enough way, I'd get the "so you do think I look fat, huh?" "guess I'm not hot enough for you". Seriously- are you a chick?

Anyway, I was at his apartment before going to dinner one night and had to use his bathroom. He must have forgotten that company was coming over because he left his cabinet door open. Big mistake.

What was in it?  Anal suppositories, Tucks Medicated Hemmroid cream (I just burst out laughing while typing this), Stool Softener, Ex Lax, and Fake Tanning Gel.

I guess he really WAS a tight ass- literally and figuratively. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there!

Sometimes your neighbors fight.

Once upon a time, I heard my neighbors fighting….

So I was awakened a couple times tonight to hear my neighbor and a lady. First talking then dancing and then to hear her tearing him apart. She said that he was fat and over weight, she would never f**k him because he could barely move, ripped into him about his cat being fat, also something about him being too agreeable. I'm thinking this whole time, if u feel this way about him why did u go home with him and stay @ his house to 4:30 in the am? THEN as I'm thinking he needs to smack this b***h I hear her fall down his stairs and he's like “you ok?” Small “yes.” Then its quiet, I'm secretly hoping she broke her leg, he cut off her air supply and is digging a shallow grave in the basement for this evil woman. Then she leaves and he yells down the road "get out b***h."

So you think that's the end? F*** no. He gets a call and I hear him say to come back.  He goes outside and he's directing her back. I of course jump from my bed because I got to see this train wreck.  She is dressed in dark form fitting cloths, heeled boots I'm guessing, and dark hair shoulder length and thin. She grabs whatever she forgot from him ( a book I believe) and leaves. My neighbor calls to her to get home safe and text him when she arrives. Then I guess he throws a bottle towards the recycling or in her direction, whichever it was she storms back saying your going to throw a bottle at a woman?? Then I heard something about wanting to fight him. Then how she doesn't have time. (hahaha) And he's like I don't know what your talking about. She turns to leave again. And he calls out to walk home safe, text me, I wish you well, I wanna kiss you, I wanna kiss your stomach, I wish you well, b***h! I was loving how he stayed true to his nice roots, really wished he would of called her a G. D. Skank in the midst because her mouth was that trashy. Who needs a TV if you live in this neighborhood? 

I'm a Lush.

One of my favorite people works at Lush and has turned a bunch of us on to some really cool products that I find myself talking about all the time… So here’s a ton of info (probably more than you need to know) about some cool stuff… it’s broken down by category for easy reading.  Check out the guy’s section for V-Day ideas (or anti-V-Day)…. Bats’ notes are in Blue…

All about Lush…

         Lush carries an array of bath and shower products. They have everything you could possibly need from head to toe (including hair care and skin care.) Everything is hand made (and have these really cool little labels that tell you who made in and when.  So if anything is wrong you can go after them with a vengeance J) and contains natural and fresh ingredients.....everything is vegetarian. There are also many vegan products, which means they do not contain any animal byproducts. What makes some of the items not vegan and just vegetarian you ask? Well, some of our products contain ingredients such as honey and many vegans consider that to be an animal byproduct.

             At Lush, we are animal LOVERS. Therefore, none of our products are tested on animals.  Anything we do get from animals such as honey is sourced ethically; we have very high standards for our suppliers and keep a close watch to ensure no animals are harmed or mistreated.  If we believe a supplier is unethical, we stop using them even if that means a product has to stop being made. We donate to many charities and even have a body lotion called "Charity Pot," all of the lids have different charities on them and when you purchase a pot, 100% of the proceeds go to the charity on the lid.

            Besides sourcing our ingredients ethically, we also believe in saving the environment.  All of our black pots are made from 100% recycled plastic, and we recycle them for you if you bring them back into our stores. Also, all of our bags are made from recycled paper.

What are your favorite Lush products?

1) Ocean Salt (face & body scrub) - this is by far my number one; I have oily skin and use this every day on my face. It has fine and course ocean salt that exfoliates, avocado and coconut that add moisture, lime that brightens the skin, and rice vodka which acts as an astringent. You can use it on your whole body! It tastes salty in a good way.  Like you were just at the beach.  It makes you feel like you are washing away the dirty, in whatever regard that may be. Sea salt scrub is so addicting, I crave this stuff.  Like for real, I am like oh I can’t wait to wash my face today.  The large ones are $32 and the small ones are $19.  Get the big one, trust me.  This stuff is gonna make you feel better, and look better.  I swear.

2) Dream Cream - fabulous body moisturizer! Very gentle, really good for everyone, even those with super sensitive skin. Helps with eczema. It has oat milk and chamomile flower in it. A little goes a very long way and it makes my skin really soft!

3) Buffy - god bless Buffy! You use this in the shower; it is a body butter with a shea and cocoa butter base. It has ground almonds, ground aduki beans, and rice in it, which exfoliate your skin. While you exfoliate, it leaves behind the shea and cocoa butter so when you get out of the shower, you already have some moisturizer on!  Be careful with this stuff, it works awesome but don’t scrub too hard, luckily Lush Lady had warned me about this before I used it.  Margarita was not so lucky, she was sitting next to me at the bar and looked like a cat had attacked her.  But I use this the day before I spray tan (with ocean salt right before) and it really makes me feel like my tan holds well.  It also makes your bathroom smell awesome.  And I don’t have a ton of time to moisturize so it’s a time saver too.

What kind of baby/kid stuff do they have?

- I have many customers with younger children who have used Lush on them since birth...but I’m no child expert and certainly wouldn't claim to be!! These are two that I would recommend and I know parents have used from a very young age...

1) Ickle baby angel & devil - this is a bath bomb (fizz). It is very soothing for kids, it has chamomile, sandalwood, and lavender in it. You drop it in the water, and it fizzes out.  It is great for before bedtime, as it will put your kids to sleep!

(Ickle Baby Devil & Angel)

2) Honey I Washed The Kids soap - this is an amazing body soap...one of the top sellers! IT IS AWESOME! My Dad is in love with the stuff, and I send it to him in large amounts. It has honey, aloe, bergamot (natural antidepressant), and sweet orange oil in it. It is creamy and moisturizing and it smells so good you will want to eat it! Honey is also an anti-fungal so it really makes you clean!

3) Dream Cream body moisturizer – super gentle, made by Lush founder for his son who had eczema (see my top 3).

Kids love all the bath bombs, and the bubble bars (our solid bubble bath). All of them are safe for children. Since our products are so natural and fresh, they are safe for all ages. 

On a side note, but related, we carry a great massage bar called "Therapy" for expecting mothers. A massage bar basically is a moisturizer in the solid form...they all have a shea and cocoa butter base. As you rub them on your body, your body heat releases the ingredients onto the skin. "Therapy" helps to reduce stretch marks as well as any scars. It is 100% organic and has lavender, and neroli in it along with some other ingredients.

(Therapy) *Guilty Pleasure as described by Lush* :)

What’s the best product to get for a guy?

- Shave The Planet Gift ($29.95)  - includes Shave the Planet shave cream, Bamboo soap, Cosmetic Lad facial moisturizer, Business Time Massage Bar. There is also a 15% off coupon inside that can be used on your next purchase….these coupons can only be found in the wrapped gifts! There are 4 different shaving creams guys can choose from based on their stubble – Shave The Planet, Razorantium, Prince, and Ambrosia.

- Freeze Shower Gel – the is my husbands personal all time favorite….the only problem is that it is a Retro item which means it is only available online! He requests it all the time to the point I order him two 500ml bottles every time he starts to run low! But it really is fabulous!! It is a really cooling shower gel and I must admit, I love it too!

- Also, Happy Hippy shower gel is another guy favorite as well as one of my husbands favorites…it is very citrusy. It has pink grapefruit, lemons, and limes. I also love it…so it is good for both men and women. Citrus helps take off dead skin cells and brighten the skin tone. You can also use it as a shampoo (makes hair shine)…so great for travel, you only need to bring one bottle and you can wash your hair and body with it! It is available in stores.

Retro Products: can only be found online!! They are products that have been discontinued but brought back by popular demand!

-I love Freeze Shower Gel and Sonic Death Monkey Shower Gel (my husband uses both)

-Ginger Lotion is AMAZING!  My husband loves the smell of it on me but he wouldn’t use it himself.

-Go to www.lush.com for retro info

Enzymiotic cream- when I use it my face smells kind of lotiony and kind of chocalate-ly in a good way. It covers well with makeup so I use it in the morning.

Sympathy for the skin- this winter has been brutal on my skin and for some reason, ever since I had the babe, my skin has been super dry.  Also it’s probably because after 2 days of no heat I have been pumping it to assure that I make up for those 2 days… I use this at night and it really helps my skin feel less dry.

Tea tree toner- its cool and refreshing…It has tea tree in it which is an antibacterial, so it helps prevent and cure break outs. It is also in our spot treatment called "Grease Lightning" which will zap your zit in no time flat...my hubs is in love with it as am I! Toner sets a base for your moisturizer. Your skin is like a sponge and when it is wet, it absorbs everything it comes into contact with. So, when you apply toner followed by moisturizer, your face is able to absorb all the moisturizer and get the most out of it. It also means you have to use less moisturizer at a time and therefore, your moisturizer last longer too! It also helps to tone and brighten the skin as it has juniper berry and grapefruit in it. It is really good for normal to oily skin. The reason your face doesn't feel tight afterward is because there is no alcohol in it, alcohol is really harsh and not good for the skin, and it is very drying.

All skincare regimes should include a cleanser, toner, and moisturizer. I have found if I feel greasy towards the end of the day and don't have time to wash my face and reapply my make up I can spritz my toner on over my make up and I feel less oily in no time!

Are there any tricks you should know?

-Bring in 5 empty and clean black pots to a lush store and you get a FREE fresh facemask!

-Buy 2 massage bars and get 1 free tin to store it in

-Buy 2 solid shampoos and get 1 free tin

 (Seanik Solid Shampoo) (Godiva Solid Shampoo)

-Buy 2 body butters (ex. Buffy) and get 1 free tin

-Sign up at your local store for the lush list email and catalog….you only get one email a month with what is going on in your local store. We have a lot of really really great promotions and events where you can get fab goody bags! The catalog is great and comes out once every season…has all the products in it. You can check off what you want and bring it to the store to make shopping easier!

-Always remember to ask for a sample when you check out if they don’t give you one…if they don’t have any…ask for one of something that interests you. It is a great way to try out a moisturizer, shampoo, conditioner, etc. They have sample pots that they can fill for you with any liquid.

-Ask for the hand treatment….it lets you try all of my 3 favorites (ocean salt, Buffy, dream cream) as well as the famous lemony flutter cuticle butter I mentioned below!! Your hands will feel amazing!

Anything else?

I could go on and on and on about Lush, it is truly a great company and one I am proud to work for.  The products are amazing and work wonders. The hair care and skin care lines are my favorite parts of the store along with the shower gels! I’m not really a bath taker. If you go to your local Lush, they will give you a consultation and recommend products based on your hair and skin types…don’t be afraid to ask! If the person is stupid, ask me and I will be happy to help you or anyone out! (Email us and we’ll pass it along… or post as comment)  our store is ranked #1 in the country for our customer service; we really pride ourselves on our product knowledge.

            Going to a Lush for the first time can be very intimidating…and overwhelming as everything is so different! Look online before you visit and write down a few things you would like to see (do not write down retro products)! It will help you to have a direction…when I first went to a Lush 4 years ago; I started with skin care because I was having problems. Once I got my skin care taken care of, I moved to hair care and from there to well, everything! Also, if you don’t know how something works, ask….we demo everything in the store for you!   Also, you can look on youtube.com and look up Lush product demos…we have videos on there!  While some items may be priced a little high, a little goes a LONG way with all of our products so they will last you! I used Lush for a few years before I worked there and EVEN IF I DIDN’T WORK AT LUSH, I WOULD STILL USE LUSH PRODUCTS!

PUSSERIFIC

I got a letter (email) from a friend today, and naturally felt the need to share it with all our lovely readers. It’s disgusting. And completely hilarious… She works at Lush, a totally awesome all natural product store….

So this girl comes in to my store yesterday and well, how do I put this? Umm...her skin was so scary I couldn't look.... I instantly tried to think up excuses to go to the back room. I run through the list of excuses and realize I have none. They had already been used up for the day. As I begin to panic I decide I will go talk to her and focus on her eyes so that maybe I don't notice her stomach churning broken out skin. Maybe I will get lucky and she won’t want any help and will just dismiss me so I can go stare at the pretty soaps near by.

SO...I approach and start with "Hi, how are you doing today (staring at her eyes)", she replies "I need help with facial cleansers"....FUCK! SHE NEEDS HELP and now I have to look at her skin!!! I try not to look like I just threw up in my mouth.... and say "Ok, what is your skin type like?" and she replies

"Umm, I’m kind of break out prone and my skin is oily." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.... your face looks like Mount Vesuvius is growing all over it and it is so shiny there is a glare from the store lights bouncing off your face that is blinding me.

I explain which facial cleansers she should use and am thankful I can look at the cleansers instead of the white heads all over her face....Hello? You have fingernails...use them to pop that shit!!!! You know I love a good zit but OMG, these were a species of zit I had never seen before...and they terrified me. I tried to picture my favorite zip popping to calm myself, you know, the curly Q ones? But suddenly my fave zit popping turned into a nightmare as I pictured her massive ones popping and hitting me in the eye causing immediate blindness.... it was awful.

She then tells me maybe her skin isn't oily and asks if I can touch it and tell her! I froze. TOUCH IT?? REALLY? My heart started to race and my super nice and helpful work persona began to crumble.... all I could think was "Touch you? I will have to chop off my own hand if I do that.... I wouldn't touch your face with a rubber glove on.... you touch it if you want someone to touch it...your face is a mess, do u wash it with shit?" I refrain once again and say "it looks a bit on the oily side like you said and I don't want to get dirt on your skin."

Needless to say, she bought what I suggested.... I’m permanently scarred with the image of my hand on her face covered in puss and black heads.... my love of popping curly Q zits is forever tainted.... she ruined one of my favorite things.

Speaking of pimple popping parties…Last night I was in the car with this girl and she was talking about popping her cat’s blackheads.

OH. EM. GEE.

I plugged my ears and tied my hood around my face, I wanted to vomit. We all know I love a good zit pop as well and my personal faves are the ones that erupt and splat on the mirror but really, A CAT???!! And where exactly does a cat get blackheads? VOM. Big time.

JESUS, LIES AND WRISTBANDS

Happy MLK Day. Do a good deed today and get double karma points. I said so. Thanksfully we have another comic relief story from our good ole' friend Salad Bitch....


This past weekend my restaurant was asked to be the food vendor for this extremely large sports complex in Chester County. Basically, it's a fieldhouse with every imaginable sport going on, packed with screaming kids ranging from 5 to 18 years old. Basically, it's my own version of hell.
Anyway, there was this cute all-american guy looking trainer there who built up the nerves to come up to talk to my friend A and I. His introduction was "So I'm going to this bar in Harrisburg tonight and it's one of those parties where you have different color wristbands to signify if you're single (green), semi-looking (yellow), or in a relationship (red). I don't know which color to wear- could you guys help me decide?" Okay- first sign-this is gay.

We ask him his story, he tells us that he's been dating this girl, they are "going their separate ways", and so he thinks he's going to wear the yellow band. He literally talked to us about this for upwards of an hour, to which I finally said "I think you should wear rainbow because this is really gay." Nevertheless he settled on yellow. Whatever.
Before he left for the night, he invites us up and gives me his cell phone number "in case" we decide to meet up. Of course he says "call me now so I have yours", to which I HAD to. Annoying. Predictably that night, I start getting the barrage of texts: "where are you?" "you're so hot" "why won't you come out with me?" "I'm waaaaasted". I had to shut off my phone it was so bad.
The next day, Sunday, we again were at the sports complex selling food, and again, we saw Livestrong (his new nickname b/c of the yellow band). He really was cute, and very funny and a really nice guy, so I may have given him a chance. He floats the idea by A and I that we should all go out after work. Since my heat had been broken since the prior day and not wanting to go home to a freezing house, I said okay. Whatever- it was going to be a group and I had nothing better to do.
Come 7:00, A came down with a stomach bug and had to leave, so it was just me who would be going out with Livestrong. Again- whatever- no biggie. We decided to go to a bar to have a beer and watch the end of the football game.
Turns out we had a really nice conversation and he started to grow on me. Despite the fact that he was a former Jesus-jammer, I thought maybe the guy had potential. Maybe. We said goodbye (no making out), and that was it.
Fast forward to the next day, approximately 5pm. I get an email with his name in the subject.
It says: "I just wanted you to know that _______ has a girlfriend. I don't know how much he has told you, but we have been together for 3 years and live together."
Okay, this bitch is nuts. How'd she get my email? Apparently she went into his Facebook, saw he friended me, and God knows what else. I am a busy girl and I don't have time to deal with relationship drama, let alone get in the middle of someone else's relationship. This is the reason why I choose not to have a boyfriend- because I can't deal with bullshit like this. Since I was tired, annoyed, and pissed off, I decided to teach this chick (and Livestrong) a lesson.
I reply "I am in no way interested in _________. Sorry if you think something is going on. He mentioned to us that he is dating someone, so don't think you are getting kicked to the curb. Oh, good luck on the engagement!!"
Muaaaahhahhhhhhaaahahah. Now this pyscho thinks Livestrong told us he was going to marry her. I love giving people a false sense of hope- she is probably at David's Bridal right now on her second dress fitting and has already picked out the nicest Fire Hall in Delaware County for the reception.
She responds: "Do you work at ______ with ______?"
Bad idea, bitch.
I respond "No. I work in a strip club. He came in with a bunch of his friends and gave me A LOT of money. Apparently when he was out the other night in Harrisburg, he told his friends about me and they wanted to see my picture. He talked about you the entire time though- sorry :/"
Ten minutes later I start getting frantic calls from Livestrong that I of course ignore. Then the texts come: "why won't you talk to me?!" "I promise we are breaking up. She's overbearing and has three kids!" "PLEASE TALK TO ME!" "I really CARE about you" (huh?) "Why did you say you work in a strip club? I want to live!"....... Of course I didn't respond.
I wonder what happened when he got home from work that night.........


Just in case you were wondering, I totally think this guy is a weasel. :) But good stories are ALWAYS worthwhile.

ADVENTURES IN SALAD TOSSING

For your reading enjoying we have a guest post today from the Salad Bitch. She brings us daily insight into the wonderful world of tossing salads on the regular. And yesterday, she just may have had her worst customer yet....

Customer of the Year (so far, anyway)

Here's to starting the year out with a doozie. So much for my resolution to be more tolerant... A customer came in today and ordered two wraps. She was probably in her mid-sixties, 50 lbs overweight, frizzy brown hair that had two inch gray roots, and polyester pants. She was someone who likes to make everyone around her miserable, especially people whom she feels she can bully- like people who make her food (bad idea). To save time and speed up the line, I decided to make her wraps together in the same bowl. She looks at me with disgust, cocks her head, and says, "You aren't making them together are you?" I obviously said yes ,but visibly annoyed, ask her if she wants me to separate them. "Yes. Please separate them. I want to make sure you're giving us an equal and fair enough amount of food. It's for my boss and I." I separate them, tell her “don’t worry- I’m the owner- I was just going to double the recipe to make two. You’re GETTING ENOUGH FOOD”. She gave me this shitty look, obviously didn't believe me, and stuck her face over the sneeze guard analyzing every movement I make, shaking her head all the while. My blood was boiling "Is this OKAY with you, or should I start over?" I glared at her. The woman behind her in line choked back a laugh.... She rolled her eyes, "Well, I GUESS I'll take it like that. I want to make sure you give us enough chicken because we are starting our diets today and don't want to feel hungry later this afternoon." Wait you crotchety old bitch, isn't that what a diet is all about?! And also, a buffalo chicken caesar wrap is not exactly the wisest choice when trying to lose weight. Good luck with that! I didn’t cut the wraps in half because so she’d have trouble eating them and look like an ASS in front of her boss. And then she paid with a giftcard.....

I hate the general public.