Butt Pirate

First off, let me tell you that this man is the most high-strung, touchy, insecure yet self-absorbed, pretentious dick on the planet. He is the type of guy who would jump all over me because the tone of my text messages was not friendly enough. I guess he means I don't use faggy emoticons, exclamation points, triple dots (to infer being coy), and upbeat embellished language to signify that I'm SO EXCITED TO TEXT HIM!! Sorry- I like to stick to my 160 characters and get my fucking point across- that doesn't mean i hate your guts.

He was also the kind of guy who would scour Phillymag.com, phillychitchat.com, and other fake Philly papparazzi websites to see if he made the pictures. These websites were created to make ordinary losers feel important. There is no such thing as a "Philly Celebrity", and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Needless to say, this guy felt he was one and probably spent half the day googling himself.  If he did come across a picture of himself, he'd text me "Do I look alright? Does this picture make me look fat? Don't I look pale next to that guy?" The whole time I'd be thinking, "gold jacket, green jacket- who gives a shit?". There is nothing sexy about an insecure man, especially one that likes to look at pictures of himself online- like a highschool chick who takes pictures of herself pretending to be hardcore by flashing the sideways peace sign. If I didn't respond in a nice enough way, I'd get the "so you do think I look fat, huh?" "guess I'm not hot enough for you". Seriously- are you a chick?

Anyway, I was at his apartment before going to dinner one night and had to use his bathroom. He must have forgotten that company was coming over because he left his cabinet door open. Big mistake.

What was in it?  Anal suppositories, Tucks Medicated Hemmroid cream (I just burst out laughing while typing this), Stool Softener, Ex Lax, and Fake Tanning Gel.

I guess he really WAS a tight ass- literally and figuratively. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there!