Monday, January 18, 2010


Happy MLK Day. Do a good deed today and get double karma points. I said so. Thanksfully we have another comic relief story from our good ole' friend Salad Bitch....

This past weekend my restaurant was asked to be the food vendor for this extremely large sports complex in Chester County. Basically, it's a fieldhouse with every imaginable sport going on, packed with screaming kids ranging from 5 to 18 years old. Basically, it's my own version of hell.
Anyway, there was this cute all-american guy looking trainer there who built up the nerves to come up to talk to my friend A and I. His introduction was "So I'm going to this bar in Harrisburg tonight and it's one of those parties where you have different color wristbands to signify if you're single (green), semi-looking (yellow), or in a relationship (red). I don't know which color to wear- could you guys help me decide?" Okay- first sign-this is gay.

We ask him his story, he tells us that he's been dating this girl, they are "going their separate ways", and so he thinks he's going to wear the yellow band. He literally talked to us about this for upwards of an hour, to which I finally said "I think you should wear rainbow because this is really gay." Nevertheless he settled on yellow. Whatever.
Before he left for the night, he invites us up and gives me his cell phone number "in case" we decide to meet up. Of course he says "call me now so I have yours", to which I HAD to. Annoying. Predictably that night, I start getting the barrage of texts: "where are you?" "you're so hot" "why won't you come out with me?" "I'm waaaaasted". I had to shut off my phone it was so bad.
The next day, Sunday, we again were at the sports complex selling food, and again, we saw Livestrong (his new nickname b/c of the yellow band). He really was cute, and very funny and a really nice guy, so I may have given him a chance. He floats the idea by A and I that we should all go out after work. Since my heat had been broken since the prior day and not wanting to go home to a freezing house, I said okay. Whatever- it was going to be a group and I had nothing better to do.
Come 7:00, A came down with a stomach bug and had to leave, so it was just me who would be going out with Livestrong. Again- whatever- no biggie. We decided to go to a bar to have a beer and watch the end of the football game.
Turns out we had a really nice conversation and he started to grow on me. Despite the fact that he was a former Jesus-jammer, I thought maybe the guy had potential. Maybe. We said goodbye (no making out), and that was it.
Fast forward to the next day, approximately 5pm. I get an email with his name in the subject.
It says: "I just wanted you to know that _______ has a girlfriend. I don't know how much he has told you, but we have been together for 3 years and live together."
Okay, this bitch is nuts. How'd she get my email? Apparently she went into his Facebook, saw he friended me, and God knows what else. I am a busy girl and I don't have time to deal with relationship drama, let alone get in the middle of someone else's relationship. This is the reason why I choose not to have a boyfriend- because I can't deal with bullshit like this. Since I was tired, annoyed, and pissed off, I decided to teach this chick (and Livestrong) a lesson.
I reply "I am in no way interested in _________. Sorry if you think something is going on. He mentioned to us that he is dating someone, so don't think you are getting kicked to the curb. Oh, good luck on the engagement!!"
Muaaaahhahhhhhhaaahahah. Now this pyscho thinks Livestrong told us he was going to marry her. I love giving people a false sense of hope- she is probably at David's Bridal right now on her second dress fitting and has already picked out the nicest Fire Hall in Delaware County for the reception.
She responds: "Do you work at ______ with ______?"
Bad idea, bitch.
I respond "No. I work in a strip club. He came in with a bunch of his friends and gave me A LOT of money. Apparently when he was out the other night in Harrisburg, he told his friends about me and they wanted to see my picture. He talked about you the entire time though- sorry :/"
Ten minutes later I start getting frantic calls from Livestrong that I of course ignore. Then the texts come: "why won't you talk to me?!" "I promise we are breaking up. She's overbearing and has three kids!" "PLEASE TALK TO ME!" "I really CARE about you" (huh?) "Why did you say you work in a strip club? I want to live!"....... Of course I didn't respond.
I wonder what happened when he got home from work that night.........

Just in case you were wondering, I totally think this guy is a weasel. :) But good stories are ALWAYS worthwhile.


Anonymous said...

Most awesome thing I have read in days.

Gotta love messing with people's heads.

singedwingangel said...

Roflmbo OK first I am a Jesus person lol.. but I wouldn't call myself a jammer.. Anywho that is hilarious.. ab0so-friggin-lutely perfect.. I would so be snarky back cause well I ain't taht saved yet lol..

At least I'm skinny said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! That is an amazing story. I love it.

jessalyn said...

bravo- very well handled!