Saturday, May 8, 2010

Taking over Haiti.

FML today.  I want to move somewhere.  Somehwere far away from drama and close to a beach.  I have officially decided to move to Haiti.  My mom had the idea first, said she was going to leave us all and go the Haiti.  When it got hot she realized she wouldn’t be able to handle it there and has replaced her dream world with Alaska.  Well guess what, she can have the Alaskan pipeline and I am taking over Haiti.  Lets back track just a little to my recent convo with D’s Thoughts.  Me: Ask me how long its been since I showered.  D’s Thought:  I don’t even want to know.  Me:  Good, because I have no idea when it was.  D’s thought:  That’s pretty disgusting I am so glad I am not in the car with you right now.  Me:  I am getting ready for Haiti, want to come?  D’s thought:  yes I will sell my house and come with you to Haiti.  For that price I am probably buy my presidency.  Haiti is the poorest country in the Americas, so naturally the cost of 2 houses in Center City will buy Presidency and VP-ency there) Me:  That’s a great idea.  You can be Prez and I will be VP.  We decide to ask Justin (Bieber) to be Secretary of State.  D knows more about JB than even I do.  He goes on the justify that Biebs has fans in the US and in Mexico, is from Canada, hence he should totally be on our cabinet.  Gretadomas wants to be Treasurer but I think we may make her in charge of Homeland Security.
Ok so Haiti is hot and near the beach and we are taking over (aka becoming their government.)  So this plan is pretty much perfect.  First order of business, find out the National Bird of Haiti.  Here are some pictures.  I will call them Fred and Ted.  Second order, make it a law, not a rule that you can not date anyone with the same name as you.  Then, change the national plant to the cannibis sativa plant.  Next, Water fountains or vending machines on every corner, because people are going to get hot and dehydrated.  Bottled water cannot cost over 5 cents each because we all know its only water people!  We’ll get Brita filters.  Maybe they will even donate them.  Sure, why not.  Cell phone reception might be a problem, so we are going to set up a very classy system of tin cans for us all to communicate.  Speaking of communicate it looks like we have to learn French....
At amusement parks they have those little mister things that keep people cool.  We will have them filled with sunscreen so us whities don’t get burnt to a crisp.  And then my life will get better.  So my questions are… how long does it take to get to Haiti?  Do they want promo models at our inaugeration? (that’s a given).  How will they feel about me inviting Beyonce and Gaga to do a public show when I get there.  A welcome show if you will.  Did anyone else notice they have Videophone and Telephone as hit songs right now?  I don’t know how the Haitians will feel about this singing about technology.  Hopefully they get used to it because I am really looking forward to this adventure.
beyonce ft.lady gaga-video phone-yeni |