GOBBLE GOBBLE, HOLY SHIT

During my absolutely sane and normal thanksgiving day, I had the pleasure of getting minute to minute updates from 2 of my faves. This def brought on the LOLs. My first thought as I was receiving the play by plays, was The Batcave of course. I knew that it was my duty to share the greatness with our loyal bloggery fans.

My lovely DFW was hosting T-day for her fam at her newly purchased home. When her less than sane mother in law hears this, she invites herself along with the sis in law and, the absolutely non disciplined niece. This is definitely a recipe for a fantastical thanksgiving. I text her the yearly "happy turkey day, I miss you" text. She texts back with the same and tells me she is surviving so far. I tell her to text me later when she is drunk.... and she does. She informs me that she is going to take her chances and participate in the Black Friday madness and that she wishes I was there as her blocker because she needs my muscles. Awesome. I am strong. Ten minutes later she tells me that her mom in law has been on Match.com "allllllllll day" and hasn't socialized with anyone. "And every time someone walks in the room she minimizes the window." Smooth move for sure. She must be in the zone, and needs a mate. She also is pretty sure her very interesting and large sister by marriage is hitting on her brother. "She keeps calling him a catch." Now comes the best part, involving the non disciplined 5 year old niece. This child seriously does, says, and gets whatever she wants. So, the kid keeps following DFW's dog around like a crazy person. She then proceeds to try and pick him up repeatedly, and finds it funny to put her face in his face. DFW tells her to stop every time, but the kid ignores her of course. This is the lack of discipline kicking in here. Next text... "he bit her in the face. Blood everywhere. She is def going to have a scar." Holy shitballs. Match.com,bloody kids, and desperate flirting. This. Is. Awesome. So much more active than my t-day. Loving it. Last text convo... DFW: "Dude, I feel like I am on an episode of Stringer from the 90's." Me: "I love it and you should absolutely guest blog about it." I couldn't wait, so I did it for you DFW. Thanks for the material.

I hope that you all had just as fun Thanksgivings, if not way more fun. We would love to hear about them in the nifty comment box. And we also hope that you all didn't get too fat over the weekend. We haven't even gotten to Christmas yet.

My Dear Tree Friend, I am missing you like a crazy person today too. All I can think about is our first T-day in Boston together. Bacon wrapped scallops, beer pong, bathroom party, and car bombs... all recorded on camera. I will eat a whole helping of chicken salad for you today. I will be extra fat just for you. This is how much I love you. My outfit today reminds me of you. Black leggings, gray dress, black belt, black bangles, and some crazy ass argyle socks under my black boots. LOVES. It is 1pm and have had 4 mimosas and 3 glasses of wine. Yes. Can you just come to my house please? Thanks. I am so thankful for you today. I love you so much. I was so disappointed that Top Chef was a re[eat last night. Sads. Glee was new though, so that's ok I guess. OK, turkey is being carved. That's my cue. I'm blowin' this double bubble. Haha. I love you Tree Friend. So much. Thank you for being my fave. xoxo

Me

DEAR TREE FRIEND

Dear Tree Friend,

I miss you very much today. Remember our wonderful Thanksgiving in Boston? Sure we were fat and pale and wore brown sweaters but at least we had each other. And winter clothes to hide all the food we ate that year. The turkey stuffed with chihuahua was delicious. That was also my first experience with the famous chicken salad. We spent tons of time in the bathroom and broke about 4 wine glasses. We played beer pong and won. (Its on video). Most importantly, we had more dogs than people and we were happy about it.

Happy Thanksgiving. I love you.

By the way just watched the Las Vegas ep of the The Hills. I loveeed it. Its funny that my favorite characters are the little ones I don't have to deal with much. Kristin's friend Stacie and Spencer's friend Charlie. So funny. And Heidi is nuts. Certified insane. I cannot believe she is trying to have that dudes' baby.

MISMATCHED

So I just realized I was wearing 2 different earrings. Like very different, like hearts and flowers and silver and gold different. The people around me didn't say anything because they thought I was trying to make a fashion statement (wow am I that bad?!)

Anyway I realize and tell tree friend. Her response makes me feel better. One time I wore 2 different shoes to a bar and realized on video while she was out. (We need to find said video)

This picture may or may not have been on purpose.

THE EASYTONE EXPERIMENT

I have recently traded in my red wine addiction for an addiction to coffee and blogging. I am “trying to be a better person.” Bah humbug. Anyway with Turkey Time right around the corner, I figure I should do SOMETHING to keep in shape.

So yesterday I got the Reebok easy tones. Yes they got me with the “76% of women will be jealous” statement on their commercial. I will fully put this to the test. I read all the reviews before I bought them. No stability issues, and you can feel they are working, that was basically exactly what I wanted to hear. I wore them around the house yesterday and I loved them. I am not a big one for working out (I never have time) so I am always looking for the cheats and the easy outs in the work out world. And I am convinced these will work. I wore the fit flops all summer after I had my baby and I am convinced they worked. If they didn’t, they felt good and made me motivated enough to actually do the physical act of walking. Which was a success in itself. So I got the sneakers in the gold and silver. I don’t think they are the cutest shoes in the world, but I don’t wear sneakers to be cute.

So you will see my weekly follow up on whether or not these shoes are worth the $100. Please note I am very lazy and not willing to do much more than my normal activity. Oh I also attached a coupon for all of you. If anyone tries them I welcome feedback. On to my mission….

BORED DATE: WTF???

Email forward I had to share... eww wtf....

The caption was "How to tell if your date is bored"

Look closely to be grossed out. I am just glad its not a Coors Light...

THE TRUTH ABOUT D DAY

I don’t usually write about baby stuff. Reason being I don’t really follow any rules when it comes to parenting, and I can’t call anything that I have to offer “advice.” A little about me… I work for one of the largest beer brands. I cover a major city and its 5 surrounding counties. I do everything from staffing events, to setting up events, to selling beer, to tapping kegs, to payroll, to hiring and training, to telling girls they don’t have enough make-up on. In my world, no one starts work before 10 am. So having a baby while on this career path was very different from the norm. But who is anyone to decide what’s normal.

My loving, charming, love of my life baby boy was the result of a one time oops. ONE TIME. His father and I were in a serious and committed relationship and own our house together, as well as have been best friends for 10 years. So it wasn’t the worst situation to have an oops baby in. Anyway I was quite the free spirit, and neither of us ever wanted kids. Or so we thought….

First off I am not a bad person and I helped raise my 2 younger brothers, but I would still consider myself to be “anti-baby.” I was not the person anyone expected to be the first of our friends who had a kid. 2 people literally said “ I would have been less surprised if you told me you murdered someone” when I told them I was pregnant. It was just unheard of. My cousin told me, you know how people are going to be talking about “Where were you when Michael Jackson died? I will always remember where I was when I found out you were pregnant.”

Picture the most traumatic day of my life. In the shower I realize that I have been sick with the “flu” for over a week and I am beginning to wonder if I have mono. All of the sudden it hits me like a brick wall. I am 4 days late. I take an old test I had lying around from the buy one get one free days of college. I am talking to the UO. I tell her there is an error message and I am going to take it anyway. There is a disclaimer that if you get an error message it will clear after 20 minutes or something. So I wait it out and take it. Its freaking positive. Is this a joke? Ok its gotta be a bad test. But I knew. They say you just know, I just knew. So its rainy out and I am so miserable. I put on my boots and my sunglasses and walk down to Rite Aid. I buy 4 different multi packs of pregnancy tests and a box of tissues. I do not take off my sunglasses at any point. I spent like $90 on all these tests. I get home and start chugging the water. And taking these tests… Test 2: Positive. Test 3: Positive. I am now lining up the tests along the bathtub (how very Knocked Up of me). So I call the bf and tell him I am preg. I refuse to say it out loud and just keep saying I took a test. Life = over. I really expect him to drop everything and come home. He does not. Then I say I am just kidding. I am not kidding I am just being funny (or so I think). Really I am serious. This is just a little insight into the strangeness of my brain. My best friend, I called her crying right after I took 9 million tests. Again I say I am crying because I took a pregnancy test. Her response “and you are crying because you peed on your hand?”

If this sounds not out of the realm of possibility for your reaction, stayed tuned for more stories.

WEEKEND RECAP: THE US VERSION

This weekend was interesting.

Friday night we went out on a usual trek to celebrate a wild friends’ birthday. By the way, is this the week of birthdays?

We went to this live music venue where a Bee Gees cover band was playing. They were all covered in glitter. When I met the band afterwards, I said they looked like vampires in the sunlight. They thought I was crazy. Maybe I am, but 80% of the female population and probably 50% of males know what I meant. We take a break and head down to the Salsa bar down the street. This becomes the gathering spot for all of our friends. While this is going on, there is a freaking shooting! I find this out later in the night and think nothing of it. As it turns out, I did know the guy who got shot and killed. It was an aquaintance not friend, but still is on my mind and my condolences go out to his family and friends.

Saturday night was amazing in all its randomness.

The UO (my permanent +1) and I went to a family party, complete with Cruncles (the uncles who get crunk and hit on all your friends). Fun times, followed by a party full of the trendiest hipsters in all the land. Like how do these guys in plaid shirts with full beards know way more about fashion then I do? Noted trends: topknots. Plaid shirts (on guys and girls), dresses, booties, belts. Glasses. Beards and mustaches of all kinds. Random tattoos. PBR. Passing around a bottle of Jim Beam. Red Lipstick.

Just a note at one point during the night, the UO says: “Ya know, the guy who was standing there in the plaid shirt with the beard.”

Me: “Yeah! I know exactly who you mean!!!”

UO: “Oh see”

Me: “No, not at all, that is every guy at this party.”

Anyway, tons of fun.

We went to to the next stop where it appeared there may have been a midget convention. The bartenders were wrecked wasted, but that’s ok too.

END OF LIFE AS I KNOW IT

Ok so if you read Martinis or Diaper Genies, you may know that this is a response the the List of New Mommy things. if you don't read it, check it out here.

MODG

Here is a non-comprehensive list of important things I learned giving birth.

1. WATER BREAKING: My water broke at 1:45 on Thursday night/ Friday am. I was pissed. It was 2 weeks early and I was not ready. I started freaking out and then realized this baby was not going to control me. Noe now, not ever. I got up, I showered, I packed my bag. I woke significant other. He didn’t believe me and thought I peed myself. I was like fine whatever then switch sides of the bed with me. He did not. I put a towel down and went back to bed. Oh after I put the laundry in. I woke up at 8 am still pissed off and called the doc. They told me to go the hospital. At this point I am still pissed off and not having contractions. All I can think about is that my house isn’t clean and people are going to be coming to visit when I get home and see how dirty my house is. Also I have to be honest, I couldn’t help thinking my life was over.

2. TOUCHING: I actually don’t even remember who was touching me or who was in the room. Maybe I just didn’t care. I just remember when they checked my water it was so painful I thought there was no way a kid would fit though there.

3. PUSHING: I had an epidural. I didn’t care about pushing I wanted to go to sleep and I wanted everyone to leave me alone. So I just pushed t get them off my back. I was really just hoping I didn’t pop a blood vessel in my eye. When I told my mom this after the fact, she said she had the same concern.

4. POOPING: I have this conversation often. I did not poop on the table but I had to ask whether or not I did because I had no idea. Maybe because I was so damn hungry and I had no food. Oh and also it was one of my fears so I made sure as soon as my water broke I tried to poop in my own home.

5. MIRRORS: I didn’t have a mirror but I did reach my hand down to feel the head coming out. That was weird. It was furry.

6. TEARING: I tore as well, but again couldn’t feel it. Finally the doctor said, you are already ripped and will need to stitched regardless. Want me to cut you. Me: Yes. The doc literally told Sig other: You have been good so far, don’t watch this, its gonna ruin it for you. He watched anyway and said as soon as the doctor made the cut, the baby literally slid right out. Oh yay.

7. AFTERBIRTH: After delivery people push on your uterus in 15 minute intervals until all the stuff is out of your uterus. This for me was the worst part and I literally was begging them to stop. They did not.

8. STITCHES: Having stitches in your vag is pretty much the worst thing ever. I kicked my friends out when they were visiting me because I couldn’t laugh without my crotch hurting. I think I would have preferred to pee the bed then get up and feel those stitches. Oh as a side note, pee would literally flow out of me because they insisted I have a catheter the night after delivery. Literally stand up and pee would fall out. I had to have someone bring me more black pajama pants.

9. BLEEDING: The bleeding is insane. Like I thought I might die and I was actually thinking what a waste of blood it was, and I was wondering how I even had that much. You know this story….. Bloodclots. Weirdest worst thing ever and also my best friend. It felt so heavy I thought I was giving birth to my placenta again. No it was just a clot the size of a “plum.” It was so horrifying but made me feel so much better. The reason I say its my best friend is because 4 days after I returned home it happened again, this time softball sized. It only could come out (through) the stitches because I was crying so hard I finally shook it out. I mean what the f was I supposed to do??

10. HEMMOROIDS: hemmoroids are disgusting. Someone (sig other) told me to just push them back in. They will never understand.

FACEBOOK FUNNIES

Below are real Facebook posts. I dare you not to LOL.

This is the first and probably only funny email I have ever gotten from my college roommate. She loves to spam the sh*t out of inbox with all these forwards I usually find gay and wasteful of my time. Of course I see the word Facebook and I read.

HAIR SCULPTURES

I have seen this online. Its actually not really hair. Its hats. I looked it up. Its freaky and weird and I have no idea when these hairstyles are appropriate. But its still pretty cool.

Look they even have sculptures of hair for you walls!

Even Gaga likes Hair Sculptures!

GET OUT OF MY BED

All of my girls out there will know exactly where I am coming from on this one, and if you happen to be a dude that reads our glorious blog, then you will be getting a peek into the crazy world of female logic.  This weekend I had the privilege of having a girls weekend with two of my faves.  "Girls trip!  Woooohoooooo!!" This was the basis of all of our FB wall posts throughout the week.  Needless to say, we were excited.  We arrive, and the first night is filled with wine, cheese, unnecessary vocal volume, laugh until you pee laughter, and more wine.  All is well on the girls weekend front.  We are all so happy to see each other, and all "happy drunk", so we naturally all decide that we need to have a slumber party and sleep in the same room.  These slumber party nights are some of the best around between BFFS.  Classics.  The next morning is the staple hangover brunch followed by some shopping.  All typical female BFF rituals.  The evening roles around and the wine drinking slash getting ready to go out session begins.  The night starts very early.  We should have known at this point what was coming.  Skip to 4 hours later and the alcohol has turned on us.  One of the BFFS has been taken over by it, and has turned evil.

  

The drunken BFF argument ensues.  I will spare you the nasty in between details, as I'm sure you really don't give a shit.  We somehow make it back and it is def go-to-bed-right-now-time.  Well, do you remember the "we love each other so much, we have to sleep in the same bed" mentality from the happy go lucky night before?  Well, that crap flies right out the window.  The one that had the evil alcohol infiltrate her brain is immediately shunned, and is sentenced to sleeping alone.  "I am NOT sleeping anywhere near her!!! UGHHH!"  This is the ultimate in your face, "I am so freakin' pissed at you" move during a girls weekend.  "I banish you from the snuggle party."  Ouch.  We proceed with the passing out.  The next morning comes as we all wake up and try to remind ourselves of the debauchery from the previous night.  "I know there is a reason she didn't sleep with us last night..... why am I so mad at her again?"  And then the fuzzy pieces start to come back.  It was the evil alcohol.  A nice long hour of awkwardness and apologies go by, and things naturally go back to normal.  A girl never wants to be the one banished from the BFF snuggle party.  Take this as a learning experience ladies... don't be the slumber party pooper.  And guys... yes, this is a real thing.

A PRESENT FOR YOU!!

I have really awesome music right now. You would all be jealous. But luckily for you the BB taught me to share. So here’s my top 5 songs of the day in no particular order.

1. Pick up the Phone- Dragonette
2. So Happy I Could Die- Lady Gaga
3. Tik Tok- Ke$ha
4. Vampire- Greenskeepers
5. Hot Mess- Cobra Starship

You're Welcome!! :)

WIFE IS BOSS!

Here's an article about a football player who did the Captain Morgan Pose during the Eagles game on Sunday. I guess its a really big deal and he could have been fined for it. It looks like they are playing it off as a charity stunt for retired players. The funny thing is I used to work with this guys wife, and she now works for Captain Morgan.

ARGHHHH....

FACEBOOK SAVES THE DAY

An article on CNN shows that Facebook really is life. This 19 year old kid was arrested for robbery and held in jail for almost 2 weeks. then his dad realized the kid had updated his facebook status from his house a mintue before the robbery and voila! Free as can be. "The online social network is ready to join telephone records and video cameras as a means of establishing an alibi." The funniest part of the article is the kid's status update. "Bradford posted: "On the phone with this fat chick... where my IHOP." Of course people had no idea what this meant, and didn't even get the IHOP reference.

Here's the explanation from the kid's lawyer: "The "fat chick" was a playful reference to Bradford's pregnant girlfriend who was irked that he, his father and his stepmother had gone to an IHOP without her the night before. The update teased that she wondered where her pancakes were. "He was just kind of taunting her playfully about having been to IHOP," Reuland said. "I know it sounds not very nice but it's sort of a reference to her because she's pregnant. But they actually have a very good relationship. She's cute as a button."

Full article click here

GOOD STUFF

In my opinion I always find good stuff. And aren't you lucky, I like to share it with you.

Check out this NYC blog about Nightlife for real people. Like not Richie Rich or gold diggers.

www.downtowndiaries.com

Here is the reason for my post. See white shoes below. AMAZING. I want them. Do I need to live in NYC to wear those? I think not. I wear knee high boots on a Tuesday if I want. See below and provide feedback.

On another note, this lady has taken "dressing like a Tim Burton character" to a whole nother level. And not a good. She needs an intervention. ASAP

Lastly, here is one more good site for those in NYC who are "young, broke and beautiful." Sounds like most of us right? Enjoy.

"Who Are We? We write for busboys, poets, social workers, students, artists, musicians, magicians, mathematicians, maniacs, yodelers and everyone else out there who wants to enjoy life not as a rich person, but as a real person. Namely, we write for you."

http://brokeassstuart.com/

GA-GA-OOH-LA-LA

Today I will be giving y'all a peak into my dream life. Over this past week, I have come to the conclusion that in my dream world, I am officially obsessed with Lady GaGa. I have had 3 consecutive dreams in which she is by BFF. The first came on Friday night.... I was on some sort of party boat with a large group of peeps, and Lady GaGa of course. She was in absolute normal clothing, and I just happened to be wearing a Snow White costume. So far so good. The two of us were hanging out drinking beer, and talking about how much we were glad to be friends. This all felt totally normal. And awesome. I woke up feeling happy that Lady GaGa was my BFF. The next night roles around, and what do you know.... another dream cameo from LGG. We were attending a party for the Kardashian sisters and decided that we should bring a cake. We somehow got a hold of a cake in the shape of LGG's face. Again, this was all very normal in our eyes, and apparently everyone else in dream world enjoyed the cake. I woke up the next morning feeling happy again, but starting to feel like a bit of a LGG creeper. I let it pass, and of course tell all of my friends about it. "You are so weird." About what I expected. Then comes night three... last night. My BFF LGG and I head off on an adventure. We are determined to find a micro-piglet. This is something I truly hope for in real life, so this is no surprise that the little piggies make it into my subconscious world. Go piggies! So, we set off to find our new little pork friends. We end up at a pet store that only sells large mammals, like cows and camels. LGG tries to buy me a camel. I refuse because "I don't have room for a camel." She tells me I can keep him at her house. This seems like a grand idea, I agree, and we buy the camel. This is where the dream changes, and warps into a totally different dream that I won't get into at this time. So.... 3 dreams in a row about LGG. I am a freak. I watch her new "Bad Romance" video today and felt like I knew her. Again, freak. (Cool ass video by the way) What does all of this mean? I never even knew I liked LGG this much. If anything I thought my dreams would be about hanging out with Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Love her, want to be her. But LGG is a badass as well, so I will accept her as my BFF. I told my tree friend that maybe this means I am going to meet her soon. I will keep my eyes peeled for any LGG sightings. Any thoughts or insights into the LGG dream world???

Also, if you have not had the privilege of hearing some of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs tunes, check them out here. LOVE.

WASTED GIRLS

From time to time there comes a night where someone else’s story is more interesting than mine. So today I have for you a stolen story. This happened at a bar I had been to earlier in the night. We get there, they have a “one in, one out policy.” We think this is hilarious. A line forms behinds us as we decide what to do. Ok we’re in. It’s packed, everyone is wasted. They serve forties and 9 packs of pony bottles. Yeah, its that kind of place. The DJ is wearing a bear hat and gloves he apparently got from the dudes in Simian Mobile Disco. Yes, we know him.

Guy is standing outside smoking a cigarette. 3 girls walk out from the adjoining bar. One Girl walks up and says hi. Girl: Hey what’s going on. Guy: Hey what’s up? Girl: How come you haven’t called me? Guy is confused. Girl is wasted. She proceeds to yell at Guy and be so upset that he “f’ed her and never called her.” Guy: Are you serious? Girl: Are you going to pretend you don’t even know me Sean? (Guy is definitely not Sean) She did not believe that he was not this person. Guy: You’re f in crazy! Girl swings and goes to hit Guy in face. Guy karate blocked her and ended up with a cut on his hand. The bouncer came over and snatched her up and told her to calm down. Her friends are trying to drag her from the middle of the sidewalk on a crowded corner in the city. Guy takes out ID and showed it to Wasted Girl. Guy has to show girl his ID to prove he is not said “Sean” who screwed over this girl. Her friends apologize and his friends laugh. Poor girl.

Not only did this girl get screwed over, she is so upset over this guy, and she isn’t even sure what he looks like? Oh the sadness….

POEM

This may be the funniest thing I have to offer you for a while. I found this legit tale of a guy whose name I blurred out. (its even funnier for those of you who know the name). This was written June 24, 1997 by a close friend of mine. She obviously knows what she is talking about... hence the Lil' Kim reference.

FROM WHITE TO WAYNE

Ok as you may or may not have seen on the news, there is a Dallas cheerleader who is in a lot of trouble for dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween. She was Little Wayne and I think its hilarious. I found some pictures on www.deadspin.com and had to share. I like Edward Cullen too. I had to include both shots with him. Also the comments below are from the site, I guess people are split on whether or not its a big deal. The funniest part of all this is the pictures were pulled from her Facebook page. Hello...... have we not learned its the devil?

"I got a grill, I don't need to get my tooth fixed. The Tooth Fairy will retire if I use it." - Lil Wayne

“Besides, check it out: she's with some black people. If one black person accepts your costume by not stabbing you in the spine, you're officially not racist.” ----Deadspin.com

“If anyone is racist, it's these Oompah Loomphas in ... Mexicanface? Jalapenoface? Brownface?”--- Deadspin.com

For some of this it may look like a family reunion....

I had to look up Blackface to see what the big deal was. Here’s what wikipedia said: “Blackface was an important performance tradition in the American theater for roughly 100 years beginning around 1830. It quickly became popular overseas, particularly so in Britain, where the tradition lasted even longer than in the US, occurring on primetime TV. White blackface performers in the past used burnt cork and later greasepaint or shoe polish to blacken their skin and exaggerate their lips, often wearing woolly wigs, gloves, tailcoats, or ragged clothes to complete the transformation. Later, black artists also performed in blackface.”