People are rude.

Let’s imagine a person who is very rude.

You work at Wawa.  The graveyard shift.  They f’ing make you stay and do inventory all night.  Yeah, like counting lunchmeat and shit. So, you don’t get home til 4:30am.  What the eff is that?  not fun at all!! Ugh, too early for coffee, too late for fun,  as you are thinking, just get me the eff home I need my bed and sleepy time and loves and huggies and kissies from my man piece.  I arrive home to find Rudy’s car still parked in our paid for spot...so, despite having a car full of shit to unload...I have to park out on the street...inconvenience #1. So I go park and walk inside. I walk in and Man piece is on the couch and Rudy is no where in sight. More annoyed....I ask where she is bc she is in my spot.

At this point, I am effing exhausted...I am at that freaking point where I just need to go to bed.  Nothing else.  GIVE ME MY BED. Man Piece informs me she got shit faced at the bar and recently got up off the couch where she was passed out and moved into our bed!!! He thought she went to the bathroom but she never came back. So I have nowhere to sleep...more annoyed!  Bitch will go down.  Right down to china town.  In an attempt to calm my nerves, so I open a beer and sit down on the couch...an hour later I'm done...I must sleep and she has to move back to the couch.

Man Piece is ready for bed too... so he tries waking her up. She refuses to get up and keeps trying to pull covers over herself. She is making no sense and insists she is getting up. 10 mins later I have had enough. I tell Man Piece to turn on the light and then say " Rudy..this isn't your house...move to the couch, u r in our bed." All hell breaks loose as she flies out the bed and screams at us for being rude. She storms out the house furious.

She is psycho

I'm rude? Your drunk ass is in my parking spot, and in my bed refusing to move. But yeah, I'm rude for asking/telling u to move to the couch at 2am.

U wanna sleep in my bed? U better be my size so we all fit.

The end.

By, Annoyed

PS... She texted on her way home she won't come out with us tonight because we are rude...no skin off my back!

Perfect use of "bahahaha"

I'd like to thank Ashley for this comedic gem.  Jared too, but mostly Ashley.  They dated in college, and when Jared switched teams, they became BFF.  Never do I question that an interaction between them is worth reading...

This past weekend I was asked what in my Facebook etiquette is a good example of why I would use "bahahha" (or some variation) instead of "hahhaha"  I explained that it was different degrees of how funny I thought it was....

Jared was tagged in a photo.

3 hours ago · Comment · Like

Ashley likes this.

Ashley: Further proof of why we didn't work out ...

May 16 at 5:18pm

Samantha: Hot!

May 16 at 11:32pm

Ashley: I was thinking 'scary!' Or 'gay!'. Come on Sam, you can't encourage drunk, topless, bead wearing pics! You're enabling him!

May 16 at 11:34pm

Jared: Ashley, you're drawn to my muscles

May 16 at 11:36pm

Jared: Sam, thanks:)

May 16 at 11:36pm

Jared: And just for the record this was the summer the movie the Hulk came out

May 16 at 11:37pm

Ashley: I just threw up in my mouth. If I'm drawn to your muscles, then you're drawn to my boobs

May 16 at 11:38pm

Samantha: HA HA! I am an enabler...He is expressing himself as we have all done when we have had a few too many...Im sticking with HOT...lol

May 16 at 11:43pm

Jared: Again, Sam is my favorite.

May 16 at 11:51pm

Ashley: Gay.

May 16 at 11:54pm

Ana: Ashley, I don't know you, but I think you want Jared's schlong.

Yesterday at 11:36pm

Amy: Do u work out at all??

Yesterday at 11:45pm

Ashley: Bahahahahahahaha. Riiiiiiight. Haha

Yesterday at 11:47pm

Jared: Ashely.. We all know you do

3 hours ago

Jared: Ana- amazing call

3 hours ago

Peep this while you are at work...

I HEARD A RUMOR THIS GALLERY IS THE BEES KNEES

My wonderful friend is a fab photographer and also a hilarious person in general.  Sometimes fabulosity goes unnoticed, sometimes it gets over exposed... here at the Batcave we believe any publicity is good publicity.

Another Craig's List Gem

READ THIS ONLY IF YOU WANT TO BE STRAIGHT ENTERTAINED.  PEOPLE ARE SO WEIRD.  BUT WEIRDOS MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND....

2 reason why you wouldn't casually encounter me. - m4w

Date: 2009-12-30, 12:51PM

1) I'm 5'5" in height. 
Most women on Craigslist seem to desire a "tall" man. Apparently it's very erotic to use a step ladder when kissing your man. 
2) I'm thin. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to want their men "large", "husky" or "beefy". Sure, I could use clever semantics and refer to myself as "lean",or "atletic" but CLers know how to translate that adjective. 
3) I'm a 6 incher. 
A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to need 7, 8 or 9+ inches. I'm no physician, but wouldn't that rupture some organs that might be needed in the near future? For respiration possibly? Or how about digestion? My totem pole, much like myself, is also thin. Seems to be a thematic part of my body. I'm God's action figure and She's still chuckling... 
4) I have an average body. 
A majority of women on CL are obsessed with "hot", or "built" men. I'm none of those things. I enjoy hiking, skiing and bicylcing, but in the fast-paced, cut-throat world of contemporary media, you either get the job done or give the job to someone else. I love my work...it just doesn't love me back with the same appreciation and desire. Thus, everything on my body works (sometimes too well), it just must be placed under "average". 
5) I'm an average pussy eater. 
Maybe I just can't see the clit while giving oral. Maybe I wander around too much due to A.D.D. Maybe I just need God to provide an owner's manual with step by step instructions that aren't in Arabic. All I know is I try. Oh god do I try. I've come very close (so to speak) to making a woman cum. You know that sound when you're so close to orgasm you can taste it, but he does something stupid and you miss? Hi, how ya doin'? That's me. 
6) I'm losing my hair. 
I'm only 26 and I'm starting to lose my hair. It's now starting to become visible. I can't shave my head like those other "beefy hunky" guys. I have a thin body and a giant head. I'm the real life Mr. Mackey from South Park. 
7) I'm moody. 
I'm also a Gemini. Put that thrilling combination together and you have a roller coaster of emotion that can never find the level part of the track. Kinda like my pussy eating... 
8) I masturbate...a lot. 
Maybe it's spring arriving. Maybe I'm just too slackish to talk to the short-haired brunette who smiled at me today. It's much easier to just grab that image in the photo gallery in my mind and play it back in eight different positions later that night. And in my fantasies, she doesn't have a problem with #1-7... 
9) I'm a self-loather. 
See #1-8. 
10) I'm a daily fantasizer. 
I have met a few women by e-mail on CL who enjoy fantasy as much as I. But when it eventually leads to pushing fantasy into the real world, I panic. My fantasies are so fantastical, so over the top that I could NEVER live up to them. And that just adds to the equation that is #9. 
11) I spend way too much time alone. 
Lonely is more comfortable. Like an old jacket that's torn with age that's just too comfortable to dispose of. So it seems my fantasy life began at an early age. And a lifelong nurse fetish began as well... 
12) I'm addicted to CL. 
I only clicked on "Casual Encounters" a few weeks ago and I'm hooked. I don't post, I don't e-mail...I just browse. I occasionally respond to an ad that doesn't involve numerical statistics or bravado adjectives as the main topic of discussion. Once in a while I hear back. Usually it's to tell me that they can't "deal" with one of the numbers above. That's ok. I understand. 
If you respond to any of this I will assume you are one of the following: 
1) *n dire need of entertainment. 
2) Possess 1 or more of the above traits and wish to share. 
3) Appreciate honesty above one's maladies. 
4) Are a sadist. 
5) Are looking for a subject to compose your master thesis on. 
6) Are bored. 
7) Masturbate just as often. 
8) Are attracted to everything I have listed, but you're currently in a psychiatric ward somewhere where they allow you access to the internet because they figure "well, we've tried everything else". 
9) Are God and wish to apologize...profusely.

I love you Ryan Scott.

Prom Party - RyanScottPHOTO.com from Ryan Scott on Vimeo.



These are the parties we attend. these are the people we party. And bears, yes bears. We may not have made it to them prom, but we made it to the after party. And we made an impression. And we all know what happens after prom right....

I love my delusions.

Apparently some people get offended by our posts.  So here’s my advice.  Waltz your cellulite ass over to the dictionary (it’s a big book with words and their definitions) and look up “random thoughts” and “delusions.”  Oh, you’re too lazy?  I did it for you on Wikipedia.

- A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception.

So that means if I want to believe that pigs can fly,

that fruit can talk,

or that vaginas can be made of sushi,

I am well within my rights.  Read the effing title of the blog.  Its fiction people, and if there’s something you are worried about, maybe you should go to your gyno instead of airing out on the walk to your local precinct to see McGruff the Crime Dog and show him your high school paper printed in Times New Roman on your word document. 

If that’s not enough for ya, here’s a little something called “Freedom of Speech.”

Freedom of speech is the freedom to speak without censorship and/or limitation. The synonymous term freedom of expression is sometimes used to indicate not only freedom of verbal speech but any act of seeking, receiving and imparting information or ideas, regardless of the medium used. In practice, the right to freedom of speech is not absolute in any country and the right is commonly subject to limitations, such as on "hate speech".  I didn’t say I hated anything, not even sushi.

This blog is a silly happy fun place to have fun with friends. 

Thanks for reading!  No go get some teriyaki and ginger, and call it a night.

Approved for Swingers

I will cut you.

Girl, I will cut him, oh yes I will.

Butt Pirate

First off, let me tell you that this man is the most high-strung, touchy, insecure yet self-absorbed, pretentious dick on the planet. He is the type of guy who would jump all over me because the tone of my text messages was not friendly enough. I guess he means I don't use faggy emoticons, exclamation points, triple dots (to infer being coy), and upbeat embellished language to signify that I'm SO EXCITED TO TEXT HIM!! Sorry- I like to stick to my 160 characters and get my fucking point across- that doesn't mean i hate your guts.

He was also the kind of guy who would scour Phillymag.com, phillychitchat.com, and other fake Philly papparazzi websites to see if he made the pictures. These websites were created to make ordinary losers feel important. There is no such thing as a "Philly Celebrity", and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Needless to say, this guy felt he was one and probably spent half the day googling himself.  If he did come across a picture of himself, he'd text me "Do I look alright? Does this picture make me look fat? Don't I look pale next to that guy?" The whole time I'd be thinking, "gold jacket, green jacket- who gives a shit?". There is nothing sexy about an insecure man, especially one that likes to look at pictures of himself online- like a highschool chick who takes pictures of herself pretending to be hardcore by flashing the sideways peace sign. If I didn't respond in a nice enough way, I'd get the "so you do think I look fat, huh?" "guess I'm not hot enough for you". Seriously- are you a chick?

Anyway, I was at his apartment before going to dinner one night and had to use his bathroom. He must have forgotten that company was coming over because he left his cabinet door open. Big mistake.

What was in it?  Anal suppositories, Tucks Medicated Hemmroid cream (I just burst out laughing while typing this), Stool Softener, Ex Lax, and Fake Tanning Gel.

I guess he really WAS a tight ass- literally and figuratively. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there!

Mitch-a-polooza

mitchapalooza

The party of the century. A party where the beer flows, mitch gets ho's, and a wiff of bolognese hits the nose. Mitchapalooza is basically heaven on earth.

After Mitchapalooza, I can die a happy man.

See Urban Dictionary.

Words from the Wise.

He is a Zach Braff: a dumb a**hole in a nerdy cute guy's body... very deceiving... the worst kind.

Every girl has dated one at some point in time. You lower your physical standards in the hope of finding more substance, but there is none. Instead just a nerdy d-bag who got off on the fact that he dated someone superior to himself. *stumbles off soap box*

This is a real conversation.

i'm a degenerate too!

2:50 PM

wahhhh

i am a loser

i need to cleanse my aura

how do i do that?

i should google it

2:55 PM

f***ing heart palps today

f'in death wish today

that was my saying yesterday. death star miserable

i dont even know what a death star is but it sounds cool

oh it's when stars die unexpectedly, ie, the clueless girl

oh! right

she was such a death star

3:05 PM

or get more famous after they die

like the kid in the hot air balloon.

except he didn't die. hahah

3:10 PM

hahahaaha

and he wasn't a star

he was a far

feath far

3:25 PM

Bitter Musings and Mockeries

Here are some great ideas for (Anti) Valentine’s Day.  At least in my opinion.  Which is the one the matters most.

1. Toilet noise blocker.  I don’t think this makes a lot of sense but I like it anyway.  “…makes the noise of a toilet flushing to hide the other noises you might be making. Press the button twice and the sound of flushing lasts for 25 seconds. This little device means you won't have to flush for real and thus saves water.”

2. Say Something Dirty To 45 Friends, Lovers And Mailmen by Brook Lundy & Duncan Mitchell.  This pretty much speaks for itself.  And its awesome.

3. Bittersweets®. I will never look at Candy hearts the same way again.  And I love them.  But these make me laugh.  Bahahahahaha… another great idea.

Definitely geared at the bitter and distraught…  “For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.”

"Unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were."

You can shoose your own collection, I like dejected or dysfunctional.

"Dejected" sayings include:

I MISS MY EX* PEAKED AT 17* TABLE FOR 1*

I CRY ON Q* U C MY BLOG? * A FINE WHINE*

MOMMY ISSUES * DIGNITY FREE * DORK MAGNET * PURE NAUSEA

WE HAD PLANS* SETTLE 4LESS* I'M HOT INSIDE

"Dysfunctional" sayings include:

I BEEN CREEPIN *P.S. I LUV ME * DO MY DISHES* BOOTY INFL8N

PAROLE IS UP! *AWFUL INLAWS * I WANT HALF*

NO FIX 4 DUMB* RATHER DRINK * MUTUAL DISGUST

Available in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.

4. These underwear: 

5. Beer gloss.  “The Valentine’s Day gift that makes her happy, and makes you happy too.”

Funniest singles event I have seen yet:  Sleep-Mate date Night.  

Held at Ikea and sponsored by a bunch of liquor companies (go figure) and encourages singles to meet up in bed and try out mattresses.  So disgusting, but so funny.

 Bats and caves.  xox, US

Airplane Bathrooms are not for Sleeping...

I read an article today that was all too familiar.  As strange this is, this story is mostly true.  Maybe I will change a little around to make it funnier, but its pretty G darn funny in itself. 

Jaho: Was this your friend?

Unruly Passenger Blames Medical Pot Cookies - Atlanta News Story - WGCL Atlanta

www.cbsatlanta.com

PITTSBURGH -- A San Francisco man claims he was high on a double dose of medical marijuana cookies when he screamed, dropped his pants and attacked crew members on a cross-country flight, forcing its diversion to Pittsburgh, the FBI said Wednesday. Wednesday, February 3, 2010.

The Blonde Bandit, Dustin’s Thoughts and 2 others like this.

Bat: hahahahahha. wow. hahahah

Thu at 9:25am ·

College friend: What an a-hole...now none of us are going to be allowed to eat medicinal pot cookies before flying!

Thu at 12:12pm ·

Blonde Bandit: hahahahahahahahaha! LOL

Thu at 1:18pm ·

Dustin’s thoughts: What an idiot, unless they were laced with something w/ a little more kick

Thu at 1:45pm ·

Bat: we know who likes to pass out in bathrooms. pants down, compartments open? bahhhahhhhaaa

Thu at 1:46pm ·

Blonde Bandit: OMG...yeah we do! bahahaha!

Thu at 2:06pm ·

Jaho: Haha...love it.

Thu at 8:44pm ·

Write a comment...

We’re in Vegas and night rolls into day.  I have no idea what time our flight left, it seemed like it was around 3.  Or 5.  It was still light out.  Part of the reason I have no idea what time is was is because we hadn’t slept yet.  Well, 3 of us didn’t.  The 3 of us who should NOT have been left unsupervised.  One thing lead to another….. and…… no there was not a threesome…. But we did end up drinking RBV’s out of EVERY SINGLE item we could find.  We would only have one drink at a time and all share it.  Then move on to the next item.  Vases, a sugar bowl, a regular bowl and spoon, and my favorite, a teakettle.  Our friend in the other room said he could hear the constant ting-ting sound of the tea kettle and that’s how he knew we were all still up.  Finally comes the time where fun happy messy drinking games must come to an end and we have to head back to real life.  2 of us crazies board a plane and decide we have had enough of each other do not want to sit together.  One falls asleep.  The other… continues drinking.  I’m going to go ahead and say it was 2 Heinekens and a Jager bomb, but since I’m pretty sure they don’t serve Jager bombs on planes, I think it was a shot of jack.  Well between the 2 of us we weighed less than 250 lbs, so that jack, broke the proverbial camels back.  In this scenario, proverbial is code word for passed-out-wasted.  In the bathroom no less.  With all the compartments open. Ok that part was a lie but it happened in the newstory I read and it totally seemed like it would have happened.  So “Jack” passes out in the restroom.  End scene.

I am woken up in our insert random city here layover to shoes being tossed at me and my friend Jack being escorted off the plane.  See at this time I have know idea that Jack has consumed more alcohol.  We are put into the back of an ambulance and they questions are being fired at me by 2 paramedics.  Woah.  Hold up people.  Did you not where our plane was coming from?  Vegas, that’s right, Vegas.  Thanks to the Hangover people finally understand.  So I am in no position to answer the questions honestly and they threaten that my friends life is in danger.  Little do they know I barely know Jack and relish at the thought of having his life in my hands.  Insert Ursula laugh here. Come to think of it, he was pretty mean to me on the trip I could just leave…..its not like we will be friends when we get back anyway…. Muahhahhhaah…..

He’s slumped over in a wheelchair and they tell me to wait with him until he comes too. It turns out my best friendly duties kick in.  I fill out the paperwork, I find his insurance info, I call all the right people who need to know. I hold Jack’s hand and wipe drool vomit off his face and manage to hold my guts in place when I need to vomit and stay by his side until he wakes up.  Confused and disoriented, he’s finally coming around…. I take a picture.  You are not going to forget this m****r f****r.  Not as long as they give me access to the interweb….

He hugged me with his vom clothes and I let him because I was happy he was alive.  And that I could finally go puke.  He was pleased to hear I arranged for a friend to come pick us up and let us sleep at her house.  He wanted out of his clothes and I wanted out of the shady 70s waiting room of the hospital in the ghetto. I check his breathing and arrange for a new flight in the morning.   After the post Vegas misadventure, we arrive safely back home. 

Moral of the story, be careful who you fly with.