HOUSE OF TORMENT.... The worst idea I have ever had.

Ok, so I hadn't been to a haunted house since probably middle school and I have hated them ever since.  I can't explain the reasons, but I have a genuine fear of these places.  I think maybe it is because I always have fucked up nightmares, and walking into a haunted house is like the nightmares coming true in real life.  Well, Super husband decides that this year is the year we will go to one together.  After much mental self debate, I agree, and start the research.  I figure I am older, and I can handle it.  I find The House of Torment.  Rated top 3 in the nation and is worked on 12 months out of the year.  This is their lives.  I watch a couple of the sample videos on the website and start to get a little nervous.  I already know that I absolutely hate being startled and scared shitless.  I think my older brother (we will call him Cobra) gave me a serious life complex with this.  He tortured me as a child.  I buy the tickets and the day is approaching.  It finally comes.  I wake up Saturday with diarrhea from the nerves.  This is not a good sign.  I am overcome with anxiety through out the day.  We have two friends going with us (Boobies and JB), and they meet us at the house.  Boobies brings the wine.  Good job.  I have a few glasses and start to feel a little better about the whole thing.  "I can do this!!"  We head for the House of Torment.  We park and find where we need to wait in line.  We are there no more than 5 minutes and the monsters are all over the parking lot chasing unsuspecting patrons.  Shit shit shit.  They start towards us.  I am FREAKING out.  I start screaming.  I am 100% genuinely terrified.  "Maybe I can't do this."  Super Husband, JB, and Boobies are laughing and think that this is just so much fun! They are fucking delusional.  Our line starts to move towards the entrance.  A couple goes in ahead of us and all I hear are screams.  Shit.  It is our groups turn to enter.  I am frozen.  SH chauffeurs me in, and it is instant heart stopping fear.  I hate these things, why did I agree to this!  I start yelling " I can't do it, I want to go out!  Get me the fuck out of here!"  SH tries to calm me down and reassure me, but nothing is working.  I plug my ears, close my eyes and hold on to him for dear life.  I felt like I was walking to my death.  I swear, every 20 god damn seconds, some sort of fucked up monster human is in my face, whispering to me, and blowing on me.  I scream at them to leave me alone.  They don't.  At one point I am cussing them out.   The tears come.  I am sweating from head to toe and clawing into SH's side.  I am absolutely miserable and beyond terrified.  I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. The only positive highlight I can think of is that at one point I swear that I heard Britney Spears being played on the loud speaker and I immediately think of my tree friend.  I unplug my ears for a split second and realize that I was totally wrong.  I was going crazy in this place.  The torture commences once again.  I felt like it was never going to end.  Ever.  It finally does, and I walk out soaked from sweat and tears.  But wait!  We had purchased a "combo pass" which also includes a trip inside the Illusion Manor.  I absolutely refuse and tell them to go with out me.  But JB and Boobies assure me that it isn't like a haunted house.   "It is just a bunch of crazy illusions that you look at."  I go against my will.  We enter.  They are liars.  It is the same torturous methods as before.  The monsters target me from the beginning.  They are ruining my life.  I am so exhausted from fear at this point that SH basically has to hold me up and push me through the remainder of this god for saken "Illusion Manor." At one point we have to walk through the  "Birth Canal" which was a black, tight, almost rubber feeling tunnel.  I am insanely claustrophobic.  More torture.  After we are born, it is over, and I am mentally defeated.  I will never again in my life attend a haunted house.  Thank you House of Torment.  I don't speak for the entire car ride home, as everyone rehashes their favorite parts.  I hate everyone.  We get home, and Super Husband's side is hurting from my grip.  He lifts up his shirt and is covered in bruises and busted blood vessels.  Oops.  I am not the same for the next couple of days.  I think I have post traumatic stress disorder for sure.  The nightmares come for the next couple of nights as well.  THE WORST IDEA I HAVE EVER HAD.  The end.

Here is a little peek into my nightmares.... the pictures do them no justice.

(these are all actual House of Torment characters and photos)

http://thehouseoftorment.com/

DISTURBING

This email forward I got is so disturbing. The title "You think fat is ugly?" Check out below. These are real photos from runway shows. ewwww.

Well,
after seeing these... I think I'll

keep my fat ass, thank you VERY
MUCH!

BRITNEY FEVER

My crazy child loves Britney Spears. He is one year old. When I was at the concert, I really wanted to get him an "Oops I did it again” onesie. I did not, due to mass consumption of Coors Light. But I need to. I looked it up online, and they had not only the black with pink writing, but also a white with gold writing ---- Thanks A>. This is so perfect I need to order immediately. Having a kid is just like having a doll you can dress up however you want. It’s way better with a boy because it doesn’t include hairbows or tutus (which I am pretty bummed about.) However here’s a great site to check out if you do need cute but cool stuff for your baby!

http://www.lowleepop.com/

One day, and I swear this is true, he went over the computer while my itunes was playing, and clicked on the Britney website. Just his luck, it was the day “3” came out so he was in his glory rockin out to Brit’s new single. He was soo happy he was waving his hands in the air and rocking on his knees. He loves her. As he should.

DOG FOOD!!!

Ok I find cool stuff ALLL the time and say I am going to "put it on the blog." I feel like lately the blog only exists in my head. So here's a little treat of a website for my fellow dog lovers.

http://snuzzy.com/dog-food/

$20 will get you a new cardi coat, it won’t get you new legs!!

Cardi coats!!! Best things ever. They are the best things ever. You can wear them with leggings unless you have no legs. It may look like a grandma sweater but it is amazing just the same. It’s the closest thing to wearing a bath robe out in public. The only thing I can think of that would make it better is pockets. But still I have it in gray and NEED it in black.

www.oldnavy.com

YOU SAW MY BLINKER B***H

It’s been a rough week. I have been feeling a little like I am in college, not necessarily in a good way, but not a bad way either. Just spending more time with friends, eating lots of take out, inside jokes, etc. So anyway I was really dying for a good old-fashioned night out at the G-man. Complete with sweats and Miller Lites and my closest friends. Alas, 2 of my favorite friends and bartenders were doing a reunion guest bartending night at a bar in the city we like to take over. Perfect. I rounded up some fellow Penn Staters in our finest football jerseys, along with a few “we aren’ts” you know who you are.

Anyway we snag a seat at the bar from one of my unsuspecting victims. Then another, and another. Yes. We have 4 seats now. But only 2 are at the bar. I refuse to turn around. I want control of the bar and its tenders. The 2 seats behind me are facing our backs and we decide we look like we are in a car. Hahaha. Now the fun begins. We literally pretended we were in a car for 5 hours at the bar. Normal people would have spent 20 minutes playing this game, but we chose to do it for the entire night. That’s right, right past closing time until we were the only ones left. I bet you are wondering what entails pretending you are in a car. Well I had t pull over every time someone needed to pee, and we did a Chinese fire drill to start. PS The Urban Outfitter decided we were in a Prius because it reminded her of Hebrew school. WTF?? Hahah.

For those of you who know me, I am famous for creating a “bubble with my friends and not liking outsiders. This night was no exception. One of our passengers refused to sit in the trunk. What a Dustard. Anyway he got stuck in the sidecar and so I had to roll down my window every time he wanted a beer. Also at one point I decided we needed to do “car shots." These are not to be confused with “car bombs.” I only do car bombs on 2 occasions. Breakfast and Thanksgiving. Breakfast because when I used to stay up all night in college and wait for Mad Mex to open, I would do car bombs because I swore they tasted like chocolate milk. And Thanksgiving, well because it’s a tradition, duh! So anyway, an unsuspecting outsider refused to leave us alone and I was getting annoyed. How did I get him back? .... He will find out when he gets his credit card bill. J

all i wanna do is to thank you. even though i dont know who you are. you let me change lanes. while i was driving in my car. All i wanna do is to thank you. even though i dont know who you are. you let me change lanes. while i was driving in my car

I KNOW YOU GET PLAYBOY

So the other day I went with my boyfriend's bosses wedding with him. It was up in the suburbs near where we grew up. People that live there think the "city" is like another planet. So anyway we make the trek up after a disastrous goodbye session with my tree friend at the airport.There are family pictures everywhere; I think this is so cute. The wedding goes on and blah blah blah. My bf is filling me up with drinks to make this bearable. I am sitting at the half full table with 2 of his co-workers and their spouses. The one husband of a co-worker is a mailman. He is drunk. And funny. He says he has a list of everyone on his route that gets playboy. He marks them with a star. He is telling the 6 months pregnant wife that she is all good and in the clear. He claims he knows everything that is going on with everyone. Who is cheating, who has the cops after them, etc. and he tells her she is in good shape because her hubby does not even get playboy. Ok so then he goes down another list in his head. Yes that’s right, the hot chicks. He says he marks them with a bunny symbol for playboy bunnies if they are hot. He asks the pregnant husband about a variety of so called hot chicks. The smart husbands say no. He says one time of these so called hot chicks asked him if he wanted to come inside and warm his bone. WTF? Who would have though the life of a mailman was so interesting. Anyway the bf goes up to get me a drink and overhears a pretty dirty conversation 2 guys were having about one of the weeding guests. He won’t tell me much but he gives me this hint…. “Can you imagine…” He breathes down the back of theirs necks and says, I don’t have to imagine. That’s whose bed I sleep in every night. Hahaha. Ew what scumbags. But a funny story nonetheless.